How to Be Assertive Without Alienating Your Partner

Asking for what you want—and setting boundaries around what you don’t want—is a key life skill. But sometimes in our enthusiasm to practice this skill, we over-do our own assertiveness and end up with a partner who shuts down, gets angry or feels resentful. Here are four tips for developing your assertiveness in a way that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich your relationship—thus avoiding the “alienation trap”:

1.      Get Clear.

Being assertive starts with knowing what you are—and aren’t—willing to be, do, or have. For many of us, coming to this knowledge is a real task unto itself. Here, it may be useful to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from falling into passivity or “victim-thinking,” and helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t want.

2.      Set Boundaries.

Once you know what outcome you need (or want), share it with your partner. Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels in your body. With practice, you can actually sense when you’re hitting the “sweet spot.” It can feel really pleasurable, even exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud. Phrases like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining connection with your partner.

3.      Make a Regular Habit of Stating Your Needs and Desires.

You can build your assertiveness the same way you build any muscle: exercise. Practice speaking up about your needs, big or small, on a daily basis.  When you speak up about things that are less controversial—such as where to go to dinner, requesting help unloading the dishwasher or what TV program to watch—both you and your partner get used to your assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for your partner to hear. Also, when bigger issues come along, you and your partner will have a healthy process in place for dealing with differences in needs, and you’ll have greater confidence in the resilience of your partnership.

4.      Give as Much as You Get.

Assertiveness is a two-way street. If you want your boundaries to be respected, you must return the courtesy to your partner. If she doesn’t want you to use the bathroom when she’s in the shower, don’t. If he asks you to give him a half an hour after work before you talk and connect, respect that. When it comes to following through on a partner’s reasonable request, actions really do speak louder than words. 

If your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries even though you’ve set them clearly, it may be time for professional help for you and/or your relationship.

April Fools Day

Where did the day originate? There are of course several theories as to the origins. The following is from The Museum of Hoax's and for more information and more theories it is a great place to start

There are several theories of the origin of April Fool's Day specific to Great Britain, Germany, the Netherlands, and France. None of these theories offers a compelling explanation of the day's origin. However, it is a sign of the cross-cultural nature of the tradition that four different countries should attempt to take credit for it.

What is possibly the first reference to April Fool's Day can be found in the work of Chaucer. 
In the Nun's Priest's Tale (written around 1392), Chaucer tells the story of the vain cock Chauntecler who falls for the tricks of a fox, and as a consequence is almost eaten. The narrator describes the tale as occurring:

When that the monthe in which the world bigan
That highte March, whan God first maked man,
Was complet, and passed were also
Syn March bigan thritty dayes and two

This passage has caused enormous confusion among Chaucer scholars, since it appears to be self-contradictory. Could Chaucer have chosen this date purposefully, setting the tale on April 1st because of the tradition of tricks and foolery associated with the day?

Most editors of Chaucer don't think so. The most popular interpretation of this passage is that Chaucer meant May 3, so editors often change the text to read "Syn March [was gon]". However, the historian Peter Travis has argued that Chaucer did not intend to provide a precise date at all, but was instead purposefully using confusing language in order to parody the language of Medieval philosophy. 

Whatever Chaucer may have meant, we can't conclude, based on these few lines, that he was aware of a custom of playing pranks on April 1st.

Almost every culture in the world has some kind of festival in the first months of the year to celebrate the end of winter and the return of spring. Anthropologists call these "renewal festivals." Often they involve ritualized forms of mayhem and misrule. The wearing of disguises is common. People play pranks on friends and strangers. The social order is temporarily inverted. Servants might get to order around masters, or children challenge the authority of parents and teachers. However, the disorder is always bounded within a strict timeframe, and tensions are defused with laughter and comedy. The social order is symbolically challenged, but then restored, reaffirming the stability of the society, just as the cold months of winter temporarily challenge biological life, and yet the cycle of life continues, returning with the spring.

April Fool's Day has all the characteristics of a renewal festival. For one day forms of behavior that are normally not allowed (lying, deception, playing pranks) become acceptable, and yet the disorder is bounded within a strict timeframe. Traditionally, no pranks are supposed to be played after 12 o'clock noon of the first. Social hierarchies and tensions are exposed, but hostility is defused with laughter.

The French also have a theory that traces the origin of the custom back to the abundance of fish to be found in French streams and rivers during early April when the young fish had just hatched. These young fish were easy to fool with a hook and lure. Therefore, the French called them 'Poisson d'Avril' or 'April Fish.' Soon it became customary (according to this theory) to fool people on April 1, as a way of celebrating the abundance of foolish fish. The French still use the term 'Poisson d'Avril' to describe April Fool's Day pranks. They also observe the custom of giving each other chocolate fish on April 1.

British folklore links April Fool's Day to the town of Gotham, the legendary town of fools located in Nottinghamshire. According to the legend, it was traditional in the 13th century for any road that the King placed his foot upon to become public property. So when the citizens of Gotham heard that King John planned to travel through their town, they refused him entry, not wishing to lose their main road. When the King heard this, he sent soldiers to the town. But when the soldiers arrived in Gotham, they found the town full of lunatics engaged in foolish activities such as drowning fish or attempting to cage birds in roofless fences. Their foolery was all an act, but the King fell for the ruse and declared the town too foolish to warrant punishment. Ever since then, according to legend, April Fool's Day has commemmorated their trickery.

On April 1, 1530 a meeting of lawmakers in Germany was supposed to occur in Augsburg in order to consider various financial matters. Because of time considerations, the meeting did not take place. But numerous speculators, who had bet on the meeting occurring, lost their money and were ridiculed. This is said to have been the origin of the tradition of playing pranks on April 1.

On April 1, 1572 Dutch rebels captured the town of Den Briel from Spanish troops led by Lord Alva. This military success eventually led to the independence of the Netherlands from Spain. A Dutch rhyme goes: "Op 1 april / Verloor Alva zijn Bril." This translates to: "On April 1st / Alva lost his 'glasses'". "Bril" means glasses in Dutch, but is also a pun on the name of the town, Den Briel. It is claimed that the tradition of pranks on April 1st arose to commemorate the victory in Den Briel and humiliation of the Spanish commander.

Take your pick of the theories but get into the tradition and hopefully play some practical jokes today in the spirit of fun!

Women and Retirement stories from around the world

Some of the News stories on Women and Retirement that I have been following

Women expect to retire on £6500 less than men Banking Times Women retiring this year in the UK expect their annual retirement incomes to be more than a third (36%) lower than men's, according to new research from Prudential. The insurer's study found thatwomen retiring in 2013 anticipate average incomes of ...

Erbe: Are female retirees much poorer than men? Newsday The latest report, prepared by the nonprofit Transamerica Center for RetirementStudies -- funded by Transamerica Life Insurance Co. and its affiliates -- looks atwomen only. It finds that about a half of female baby boomers have "no retirement...

Even Affluent Women Fear Becoming 'Bag Ladies' AdvisorOne Fifty-seven percent of all women surveyed said they both “have more earning power than ever before” and also “handle major investment decisions and retirementplanning.” More than half (55%) noted they take the lead in suggesting new investing or... See all stories on this topic »

Retirement gender gap widening moneyfacts.co.uk Additionally, the Prudential study shows that the expected retirement income for women has actually fallen by £500 when compared to last year, from £12,250 to £11,750, while for men it has risen by £250 to £18,250. Commenting on the research, head of ...

Social security system treats men, women equally NewsDay With women generally having longer life expectancies than men, women who reach old age tend to live more years in retirement than men. There is therefore a greater likelihood of their exhausting their savings during their retirement, making social ... More women take retirement-plan reins MarketWatch (blog) The better news: Inexperience with investing and finances seems to be on the wane among women, removing at least one obstacle to their retirement security. The results of the 2013 Women, Money & Power Study, by financial-services giant Allianz Life, ... For women, pay gap threatens retirement MarketWatch A new report contains some bad news for women: After shrinking in the 1970s, '80s, and '90s, the wage gap—or the difference between the median wages of men and women—has stopped narrowing. And in addition to leaving women with median ... Vicar to retire early in wake of bishops vote Oxford Mail A BICESTER vicar who was one of the first women to be ordained has decided to take early retirement after the Church's decision to reject women Bishops. The Rector of St Edburg's Church, Canon Theresa Scott, said she “found it difficult” after the ... Pension gender gap widens as women receive £6500 less than men MyFinances.co.uk Men can now expect to receive an extra £6,500 in retirement, up from £5,750 in 2012, though it is still lower than in 2010 when the difference was £7,400. This means men can expect to receive a 36 per cent higher income than women in retirement. It ... See all stories on this topic » Retirement age may be raised to help battle deficit The Times of Israel Building on a plan already put into place before the new government was formed on March 18, the Finance Ministry may seek in the new budget a phased increase inretirement age, from 67 to 70 for men and from 62 to 65 for women, to begin in 2020. Study: Women of Color Save for Retirement to Avoid Being Burden ... According to new research recently completed by the State Farm® Center for Women and Financial Services at The American College, roughly six in ten women ... Economist's View: 'Declining Wealth Brings a Rising Retirement Risk' By Mark Thoma The "news isn't good" about the shift from defined-benefit to defined-contribution pension plans: Declining Wealth Brings a Rising Retirement Risk, by Bruce Bartlett, Commentary, NY Times: ...[In] defined-benefit ... pension plans..., workers are ... Economist's View Women's retirement income expectation at a five year low Women retiring this year have the lowest annual retirement expectation since records began in 2008, at £6500 a year less than their male counterparts, a report by Prudential has warned. Pensions Age ..

Managing One of Life’s Pivitol Transitions

While many of us look forward to retirement, when it actually happens we can feel adrift.

According to a report published by the Conference Board of Canada, Leaving Work: Managing One of Life’s Pivitol Transitions, close to one-third of Canadians have difficulty with the shift from work to retirement. It also found that those who make that transition most successfully  have done some careful planning.

The report recommended a number of strategies that can help us prepare to make the shift:

• Talk it over with friends and family. These conversations will help you explore not only what you want to do in your retirement, but also how you feel about leaving work.

• Get engaged with your community. You may be busy with work at the moment, but take a look at the organizations in your community that interest you and help out with a one-time event or join a committee.

• Identify your interests. Over time we can get so caught up with work that we lose touch with the things that really interest us and it’s hard to imagine what we would do with all our free time. One way to identify some of the things that interest you is to reflect on the things you loved most when you were very young. Can you re-engage in them in some way? If you were one of those kids who always brought home stray animals, you may enjoy volunteering at a nearby pet shelter. If you played an instrument, this is your chance to dust it off and revive those skills.

• Think about how retirement will affect your relationships. Do you plan to spend all your time with your already retired spouse? If your spouse is not retired how will your roles change? How much time do you think you – or your spouse – need to be alone? If you’re single, identify your support group – work friendships tend to fall by the wayside once someone leaves the work place.

Those who do make a positive transition to retirement had a number of characteristics in common: They were able to derive satisfaction from areas of their lives other than work; they viewed life as a journey made up of various stages; and they had a positive attitude toward retirement and looked forward to it.

Here is some advice for those who are thinking about retiring.

Write a mission statement. What are you all about? What do you want to do, now that you’re in the third age? What do you want to accomplish before you finish your life?

Like many things in life, retirement is what you make it. It presents us with an opportunity to grow, learn and enjoy the later years in our lives, so it’s no surprise it takes a little planning.