The thing to remember is...

The thing to remember, to always remember, is that what you do, or don't do, today, is what matters most. 

Time for a change, will it help?

I was heading out for my daily walk, as I am sure many of you do in these times of personal self-isolation, and my neighbour asked me "How are things going, is anyone going stir crazy?" I said things were going as well as can be expected. We talked for a bit, keeping apart and talked about getting back to normal. As I continued on my walk, I thought about what the new normal would like and how we would be feeling. The feelings we most want I don't think are going to come from somewhere new, someone special, or something wonderful. 

The new feelings we are searching for are going to come from within, where they now wait for our permission to be released - often in terms of somewhere new, someone special, or something wonderful. Once the pandemic is a distant memory, we will remember our feelings as we think about this time. Our feelings will guide what we remember and what we choose to do in the future. This is the time we have, in self-or family-isolation to try something new, to reach out to someone special and to imagine something wonderful. I hope to see are all doing that, rather than focusing our feelings on worry and becoming irate that we cannot do something new, see someone special or go somewhere special. What are your feelings in this time of pandemic?

The need to criticize

The need to criticize others belies a longing for recognition, appreciation, and validation. None of which, however, can be obtained through criticism.  Criticism of others does not bring us the recognition we want; it brings us into conflict with others.

Conflict is natural but we should not seek it out. Conflict with others occurs when something we value and care about is threatened. By criticizing others, we threaten what they value and care about. This means that they will take steps to protect what they value.  We want recognition and support from others and we can do this by supporting what they value. From time to time what others value and what we value may be in direct opposition and this may cause conflict. What we must do is try to Manage our conflicts which will help limit its negative aspects and increase its positive aspects. We can manage our conflict in a positive manner by talking and using communication strategies that can help us work through conflict. We do this by:

·       Listening actively, being attentive and asking questions

·       Analyzing the conflict

·       Modelling neutral language

·       Separating the person from the problem

·       Working together

·       Agreeing to disagree

·       Focusing on the future

·       Moving past “positions”

·       Sharing your interests

·       Being creative

·       Being specific

·       Maintaining confidentiality

·       Reaching a solution together

·       Always use “I” instead of “you” to express your feelings and avoid the other person/party feeling attacked and becoming defensive.

·       Using open body language

·       Use mimicking, it can be an effective tool because if someone is angry and seems closed off, conflict can be harder to resolve, while if people are open and keep calm everyone will be more open to resolving the problems.

·       Always validate feelings, including: "I’m sorry this hurt you"

·       A popular formula for assertive language includes the formula: "I understand…", "I feel…", "I want…"

By using some or all of the above we are better able to move to potential solutions where everybody feels like a winner.

The gray areas of life

Do you avoid or embrace the gray areas of life?

If you embrace the gray areas, the path to safety is guarded by the lies of "maybe," "sometimes," and "I don't know." These words give some of us a feeling of security and safety. When asked if we do, we can say maybe, or sometimes, which really means "I don't, but I want to see which way everyone else is going before I commit." We can say, "I don't know" when we are asked for our opinion, giving us an out if what we know is not shared by everyone else. 

If you reject the gray areas then you move into more dangerous ground. There are times that we can live in absolute, black and white, right and wrong. However, most times what we see as black others will see as white, what we see as truth, others will see as lies. As we move through life, there is a truth. There is a plan. Life is absolute, and its principles exacting. The trick is to see both sides and to make a decision about what truth, what side, or colour you will embrace. 

You may find that the truth that everyone may embrace is wrong, and then if you are asked or if you risk by putting it out "there," it will come back. Ask, and it must be revealed. The reveal may be something that you do not want to see. So some of us don't ask, don't risk, and so find that nothing will be revealed to them

If you think, speak, and move with your desires, then nothing will ever be the same and life will become interesting.