Stages of Grief Denial

In this Pandemic, a lot of people are facing the death of loved ones, loss of jobs or many other life events that cause grieving. Over the years I have talked about grief and most of my discussions have been based on the ideas of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, who was a pioneer in the field of hospice. In her 1969 book, "On Death and Dying," she wrote that there were five phases very common to people dealing with their impending mortality.

She described the five stages as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She found that while some went through these stages, in dealing with their impending death, in that order, others bounced back and forth between them. It is an excellent study concerning those who are dying and one of the first meaningful studies dealing with any element of grief.

Unfortunately, a large number of people including myself overlooked the fact that she was writing about grief strictly from the standpoint of those who were facing their own death

It's not at all unusual to hear them used to describe what a griever experiences after the death of a loved one, or any other significant emotional loss.

I used to believe that telling grievers they "must" go through these stages serves would help them, however after doing some research that position does nothing to help in their emotional recovery. It would be great if we could fit all grievers into these five boxes, so we would know how to deal with them, but it does not work that way. Each person is different. Each loss is different. Grief is emotional, not intellectual. So let's take a look at the five stages and see what the research says we should do.

Denial

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified denial as the first phase of grief that people experience when they are diagnosed with a terminal illness. When your physician tells you that you are suffering from a condition that has no cure and that you are doing to die, it's normal to question the diagnosis. It's normal and natural to think that there might have been an error. A common first reaction to this type of news is to seek a second opinion because we simply cannot believe it! A Yale study renamed this phase as “disbelief,” which is a better description of what these people are experiencing.

When a loved one dies, the grievers are dealing with something that truly hurts them emotionally. They are overwhelmed with feelings they have never experienced concerning this relationship. To be told that these feelings have anything to do with denial mislabels this experience for them and sends them the signal that these feelings are wrong on some level.

Grief is normal and natural, but very scary since it is something that can’t be controlled. To give people any sense that these feelings are wrong encourages them to bury those feelings, which is the first step to impeding their recovery. If anything, to tell people that they are in denial encourages them to deny their feelings.

One of the problems we face is that we are taught how to get or acquire things in life, but not how to deal with losing them. When you suggest, on any level, that a person is in denial about their loss they may feel that their emotional pain is being discounted. It's far better to encourage them to express the pain in their heart.

I have done this and I suspect you have as well when a person is grieving, I have said to them you “need to be strong,” to get through this experience. What the griever could take from this is that they need to hide their feelings. I was simply passing on the same useless information that I heard when they were dealing with a personal loss.

If, somewhere or sometime we were told that all of us who grieve must go through “The stages of grief,” no matter the loss, it's important that we remember that the source of this information, Kübler- Ross’s book “On Death and Dying”, dealt with the phases of grief experienced by those diagnosed with a terminal illness. It was not about the other grief experiences in our lives.

When a person suffers a loss, they receive endless, and often useless, advice from friends and family. Many of those people have heard about the stages of grief. Since these friends don't understand where and how these stages were first defined, they don't realize that applying them for every loss isn't helpful to the griever. They simply know that in the stages of grief, denial is the first stop. A person who is grieving really could care less about these stages until someone told them that they must go through them. They know that they are hurting and just want to feel better.

Rather than telling them that they must go through these arbitrary steps, it makes far more sense to offer them the opportunity to express their feelings without analysis, criticism, or judgment.

Paths to Retirement

In a report issued in 2010 called Ageing in the 21st Century, a group looked at paths people are taking to retirement. Here is some of what the report says

Traditionally, workers transitioned from full- time work to full and permanent retirement. Increasingly, retirement is a process, often occurring in a series of steps over several years. Studies using longitudinal and cohort data demonstrate multiple paths to retirement, revealing changes over time and between cohorts in how and when people choose to leave the workforce.  Some studies demonstrate a path leading from full-time to part-time work to full retirement. Others go from a full-time career job to another shorter duration job to full retirement. These intermediate jobs are often referred to as bridge jobs.

Other studies reveal a pattern of unretirement in which workers retire completely from full-time work and, after a period out of the workforce, return to either full- or part-time work. Younger generations are not only working longer but they are much less likely to move from fulltime employment to full and permanent retirement. A 2010 study showed that the traditional pattern was followed by over 50% of men born 1913 to 1917. Of men born just two decades later, 34% follow this traditional path. Forty-five percent of men born 1943 to 1947 move to part-time work before retiring, and 26% of men and 29% of women in this cohort return to work after a period of retirement.

Transitional retirements are increasingly the norm. Early Baby Boomers, especially women, are more likely than those in earlier cohorts to move to a bridge job before retiring. Both men and women in this cohort are also more likely than earlier cohorts to leave the workforce involuntarily through layoffs. Another study explores alternative explanations for unretirement, for example, that returning to work is the result of an unexpected event or unanticipated financial shortfall or, alternatively, that a return to work is anticipated and even part of retirement plans. Full retirement is defined as reporting currently not working any hours for pay and describing oneself as retired. Partially retired workers are defined as people who report that they are retired but are also working fewer than 35 hours per week.

Over the period 1992 to 1998, about 52% of workers followed a traditional path. The balance of participants reveals a range of retirement patterns: 12.9% move to full retirement and then to part-time work; 6.3% go from retirement back to full-time work; nearly 8% remain partially retired throughout; 13.7% move from work to partial retirement to full retirement; and 7.2% go from work to partial retirement back to full-time work. Thus about 30% of workers unretire within six years of retiring. Overall, younger workers and men are most likely to unretire. HRS participants are asked if they would like to continue doing some paid work after they retire. The vast majority of workers anticipate their retirement patterns.

For this cohort, born 1931 to 1941, only 8% of those who say they had not expected to return to work actually ended up returning to work. Workers are more likely to return to part-time work then full time, especially if they are eligible for full Social Security retirement benefits.

Why does the Math work?

This is a math problem that is puzzling me, as I am not sure why the math works in this case. So for all you math people out there why does the math work?

An old farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.

When his sons opened up the will it read:

‘My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;’

‘My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;’

‘My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.’

As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the will patiently, and, after giving due thought, brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17.

That increased the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s will.

Half of 18 = 9. So, he gave the eldest son 9 horses.

1/3rd of 18 = 6. So, he gave the middle son 6 horses.

1/9th of 18 = 2. So, he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son 9

Middle son 6

Youngest son 2

TOTAL = 17

This leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm

Here are some things that surprised me when I retired. 2

Divorce is becoming more common for retirees

A 2015 study by Bowling Green State University sociologists noted that the divorce rate for people over age 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010, from fewer than one in ten to more than one in four.

In most cases, divorcing couples split assets in half during the divorce settlement. All of a sudden, what may have been plenty of money to live on during your retirement years doesn’t look like much.

If you divorce during your working years, you have some time to work hard and put money away to try to recover from the loss. But divorce during retirement means you’re out of time for making up those lost assets.

Long-term care generally isn’t covered

If you become disabled, the cost of assistance with daily living tasks generally isn’t covered in Canada or in The US. Most people dream of retirement spent being active, golfing, travelling, gardening, or just spending lots of time with loved ones.

Unfortunately, that dream doesn’t last long for a startlingly high percentage of retirees.

According to the Administration for Community Living, 69 percent of retirees will need some form of long-term care, whether that is in-home or in a facility.

The AARP recommends buying long-term care insurance between 60 and 65-years-old for individuals and between 55 and 60-year-old for married couples. There is also a tax break for buying this coverage, which can help lower your overall costs.

Retirement income is challenging to figure out

We’ve spent our whole lives working, spending the money we earn and hopefully saving a little too. When we retire, everything we have ever experienced about managing our own finances gets turned upside down. We no longer earn as much or any money from work.

The retirement surprise is that we have to figure out how to make do with and maximize what we already have. Instead of saving as much as possible, the new objectives include developing retirement income strategies — creating predictable retirement income out of what we have.

Time is more valuable than money

When you are free from the rat race — when you have the freedom to retire and get off the treadmill, you may come to realize that time is more valuable than money.

One study found that people who were extremely worried about retirement finances surprisingly found themselves to be much happier once they retired — largely because they had greater control over their time. In fact, the ability to control your own time is how many people are now defining retirement.

Unforeseen events in the financial markets can sink well-laid plans (Coronavirus anyone?)

Potential stock market declines or losses in the housing market are reasons to worry about retirement.  In fact, the research indicates that very few retirees feel ready for these financial shocks:

Only 14% of retirees feel ready to deal with a drop in their home’s value

8% are prepared for the possibility of running out of assets

10% are ready for investment losses