The difference between men and women

This is a Dave Berry Classic, thanks to the Dawn French Fan club for this

One of the most misunderstood things in the world is the difference between men and women. At first glance, you would think that we are very much the same because we have the same general makeup. When you start to look under the surface, however, you realize that there is a significant difference between men and women in the way that they think and their emotions. It can sometimes be difficult to understand but this story shows the difference so clearly that you will never be able to forget it.

Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a surprisingly good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty …scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…

“Fred,” Martha says aloud.

“What?” says Fred, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Fred.

“I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Fred.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.

“No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

“Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Fred.

“That way about time,” says Martha.

“Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last, she speaks.)

“Thank you, Fred,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”

And that’s the difference between men and women.

-Dave Barry

When Should You Be Concerned About Memory Loss?

Seniors Health and Wellness Institute has over 44 different workshops that we give but one of the most requested workshops is a workshop on Memory and Ageing. As we age many of us are nervous when we start to forget things. We could forget where we put our glasses, our keys or why we walked into a room. As we get older, we believe that being forgetful or having bad eyesight, hearing is often associated with ageing. What we don’t think about is that these attributes are so often stereotypes of ageing and are a subtle form of ageism.

Having said that there can be times to think about getting help for yourself or a loved one when memory and forgetfulness becomes a problem. In order to understand what is normal memory loss and what type of memory loss requires attention we start on a journey to find as much information as possible.

Common age-related memory lapses aren’t the same thing as having Alzheimer’s or other types of dementia. If you or your loved one exhibits any of the following behaviours it may be a time to consider getting help. Someone without Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia is certainly capable of any of these behaviours. It’s the frequency with which memory lapses happen and the degree to which these lapses make life unsafe that you want to watch out for. You or they:

·       leave things unfinished.

·       get lost in familiar places.

·       are unable to recall recent conversations.

·       leave the stove on after cooking a meal, or forget they’re cooking and let the food burn.

·       blank on familiar information, like street names and names of people they know.

·       end up in places and can’t recall how they got there.

·       regularly make mistakes on things like paying bills and filling out forms.

·       don’t remember instances when their memory impairment caused a problem.

·       forget words or repeat phrases or stories in the same conversation.

·       show uncharacteristically poor social behaviour or lapse in judgment.

If you have a loved one or you find that you have a large frequency of the above occurring, then what do you do? It’s completely expected and understandable that you want to continue to function normally for as long as possible, so you or they may be in denial that their memory loss is a cause for serious concern.

If you feel you have to talk to a loved one about memory loss, approach them about their memory care with love, patience, understanding and good intention. Try to avoid confrontation; be aware that their memory loss is just as difficult for them to handle as it is for you, if not more.

If you have been approached by a loved one about your memory loss try to remember that they are talking to you out of love and concern so be willing to listen. I end the workshop with this thought. Remember, if you are concerned about your memory loss that is normal, but if others are concerned about your memory and you don’t think you have a memory problem, then you need to listen and to act.

Signs, signs everywhere a sign

I had someone the other day ask me what my sign was. I thought that had gone out in the sixties. Signs 

The question took me back to the '70s and the song Signs by the Five Man Electrical Band. Here are the lyrics from the song.

And the sign said "Long-haired freaky people need not apply"
So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said "You look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you'll do"
So I took off my hat, I said "Imagine that. Huh! Me workin' for you!"
Whoa-oh-oh
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?
And the sign said anybody caught trespassin' would be shot on sight
So I jumped on the fence and-a yelled at the house
"Hey! What gives you the right?"
"To put up a fence to keep me out or to keep mother nature in"
"If God was here he'd tell you to your face, man, you're some kinda sinner"
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind…

My last thought on signs is that if you have to ask for "signs," then you should take it as a "sign" that you should make haste very s-l-o-w-l-y. 

Loneliness a different perspective 2

Social isolation in childhood and in late adulthood both have an impact on neurobiological architecture and functional organization. The ensuing loss of social and cognitive capacity has significant public health consequences. On the individual scale, this can result in people becoming less socially engaged and, hence, at greater risk of developing antisocial behaviour. The result is likely to be a drain on the public purse, either in terms of caring for individuals in psychological and physical decline or of the incarceration of disorderly individuals. If social isolation during development happens on a sufficiently large scale, it is likely to have significant consequences for community stability and social cohesion.

These prospects should encourage us to search for means to mitigate possible negative backlash. Social isolation at a massive scale risks creating cohorts of individuals who are less socially functional. It may, therefore, be important to identify ways of mitigating the worst of the effects to alleviate the consequences. The following possible countermeasures may be worth exploring.

One promising intervention would involve creating opportunities where mutual social support relationships (friendships) can develop naturally. One cannot, however, force people to become friends: both parties need to be willing to devote resources to each other in a context where the time budget available for social engagement is limited  and there are competing friendship interests. However, by providing more opportunities for people to meet in congenial environments, new friendships may blossom.

Social neuroscientists undertook a longitudinal intervention study of 332 matched adults who underwent regular training sessions. Several months of cognitive training improved empathy for others’ affective state or perspective-taking of others’ mental state, which resulted in structural remodeling in brain regions belonging to the social brain network, including the frontoinsular network and the default mode network. Daily affective training resulted in thickening of the right anterior and mid-insula, with correspondingly enhanced compassion ratings. Different training regimes correlated with different brain regions.

One important lesson is that joining clubs can have important benefits in reducing both a sense of loneliness and psycho- logical or psychiatric conditions. One obvious solution is to encourage vulnerable individuals to join social groups and communities that suit their interests and abilities. Establishing a wide range of such clubs is likely to be much cheaper than paying for care homes and prisons.

Singing is known to have a dramatic, immediate effect on creating a sense of social engagement and elevating psychological well-being (the 'ice-breaker effect'. Vulnerable individuals could be encouraged to join choirs and community singing groups. Encouragement and funding may need to be invested in establishing a network of choirs.

Use of video-embedded digital communication is likely to gain in importance. This is especially true where family and friendship groups can meet in the same virtual space. The visual component of the interpersonal encounter appears to play a key role in creating a more satisfying experience of digital social media.

The report ends with two interesting questions:

1.  Across the entire lifespan, to what extent does reduced social stimulation or too few social contacts diminish the general capacities of the cognitive range?

2.  How much do people struggling with cognitive load have issues maintaining many active social relationships?  New insight in this chicken-and-egg problem will shed light on the cause of loneliness and may usher in new intervention strategies