When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist
for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and
a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a
farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the
hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’ I grabbed the nurse...
The town was so dull, one day the tide went
out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes
back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to
tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The
manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the
piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other
day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked
it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself.
Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’
My wife does her own decorating, but she
overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the
lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once. ‘But a lot
of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise?
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I
know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He
said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The
psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s
a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station.
He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been
arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said:
‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s
much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
Want to live forever? Then choose one of these professions:
Old bankers never die, they just lose their interest!
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
