July is Breaved Parents Month

 The following is from the Hand to Hold parent support group. I was not aware of the fact that July is annually recognized as Bereaved Parents Awareness Month.

It is a month dedicated to raising awareness of the support necessary when one endures the loss of a child. Over the years Hand to Hold has had the bittersweet pleasure to feature the heartfelt words of parents who have walked this path and shared their stories so others will feel less alone. Here is a collection of those stories.

If you are a parent who has lost a baby, wherever you are in your grief, we want you to know that you are not alone. There is a community of families ready to support you, whether it is today, a month from today, or a year from today. There is a community of families ready to support you, whether it is today, a month from today, or a year from today. Parents who have experienced a loss may request a peer mentor at any time for support from someone who has been there. For more information, visit our bereaved family support resources.

How to Support a Bereaved Parent. Bereaved parent and Hand to Hold Family Support Specialist Christine shares the most meaningful ways friends and family can support a parent after a loss.

Christine’s Story of Loss, Healing and Giving Back. Christine shares her personal story of loss and how giving back as a peer mentor and now a Hand to Hold Family Support Specialist has helped her heal.

NICU Parent Perspective: Acknowledging the Loss of a Multiple in the NICU. Bereaved parents in the Hand to Hold community were kind enough to share their stories with us of losing one or more children in a multiple birth – stories of loss, of grief, of healing, and of hope.

The Complex Emotions of Losing a Twin in the NICU. Guest blogger Ally Anderson shares her story of grief for the baby she lost and joy for the baby she still has.

Life After Loss: How to Start Your Grief Journey. Everyone’s grief journey is different. Guest blogger Brittany Clay shares how she was able to start healing after the loss of her son.

NICU Parent Perspective: We Have Hope in Whatever Lies Ahead. Nothing prepared Valerie for the surprise of being told she were having twins, or for the stress of experiencing complications at 22 weeks, or the pain of losing her precious baby A, Cristiano, just 22 minutes after his birth.

NICU Now Episode 13: Love and Loss in the NICU and Episode 15: Life Transformations After the NICU, Part 2.

A Letter to My Doctor. After losing her twins at just 23 weeks gestation, Melissa Vandermeer shares her raw and honest feelings on why self-advocacy is so important.

Kate’s Story of Loss. Author Kate Polley shares how the loss of one of her twins led her to a unique opportunity to give back to other parents who have lost a child.

Learning the Language of Grief: Telling a Twinless Twin About Their Twin. Kara Wahlin talks about the struggle to tell her son about his twin, who passed away shortly after birth.

Mourning a Loss That Doesn’t Quite Have a Name: Grief and Loss in the NICU. Kara Wahlin discusses how grief can play a part in our day-to-day lives.

Living with Grief: My Story of Infant Loss. Stacey Skrysak shares her difficult experience of losing two of her triplets in the NICU.

Honest Grief: From Being Strong To Being Real. Kierra Sorrells shares how trying to be strong may do more harm than good after the loss of a child.

10 Life Lessons I Learned After Experiencing Life’s Greatest Joy and Most Devastating Challenge. Charles George shares what he’s learned in the years since his son’s death from congenital heart disease.

National and International Resources for Bereaved Families

 

Time perspective 2

 “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

Zimbardo identified five key approaches to time perspective. These are:

The ‘past-negative’ type. You focus on negative personal experiences that still have the power to upset you. This can lead to feelings of bitterness and regret. The mind does not cover the pain with scar tissue, so the pain is still raw.

The ‘past-positive’ type. You take a nostalgic view of the past and stay in very close contact with your family. You tend to have happy relationships, but the downside is a cautious, “better safe than sorry” approach which may hold you back. The wound remains and over time you are protected by the scar tissue, and you can bear the pain with grace.

The ‘present-hedonistic’ type. You are dominated by pleasure-seeking impulses, and are reluctant to postpone feeling good for the sake of greater gain later. You are popular but tend to have a less healthy lifestyle and take more risks. The pain is driven away by time and your ability to ignore the event that caused you the pain.

The ‘present-fatalistic’ type. You aren’t enjoying the present but feel trapped in it, unable to change the inevitability of the future. This sense of powerlessness can lead to anxiety, depression and risk-taking. The sense of powerlessness causes them to rip off the scars that are being formed to protect them from the pain.

The ‘future-focused’ type. You are highly ambitious, focused on goals, and big on making ‘to do’ lists. You tend to feel a nagging sense of urgency that can create stress for yourself and those around you. Your investment in the future can come at the cost of close relationships and recreation time. The passage of time and your ambition cause you to drive the pain underground so over time it becomes dull and can be ignored.

All five types come into play in our lives at some point, but there probably will be one or two directions in which you are more focused. Identify these and you can start developing a more flexible, healthier approach.

Balance and positivity come from understanding our time perspective and finding positive and healthy ways to appreciate the present, while living in the present and making plans for our future. But how easily we time travel in our time perspective makes a crucial difference to how well we do in life and how happy we are while we’re living it.

 

Time Perspective 1

 Live for each second without hesitation. Elton John

As humans, we know the future is a promise and may not happen. The past cannot be changed. We live in the moment. Actually, I think Science tells us that we all have a different understanding of time. So that my understanding of time and Elton John’s understanding of time are not the same.

As we go through life, we time traveler: We are shaped by memories of the past that influence our understanding of the present and help predict what we see in our future. Scientists call this our time-perspective. We all know those who tend to get stuck in the past, and others who live only for the moment, or are enslaved by our ambitions for the future.

Stanford University psychology professor emeritus Philip Zimbardo coined the idea of time perspective. After more than ten years’ research, he concluded that our attitude toward time is just as defining as key personality traits such as optimism or sociability. He believes that time perspective influences many of our judgements, decisions, and actions.

Culture, upbringing and societal norms affect our understanding of time and help shape our time perspective. Individualistic, me-focused societies tend to be future-focused, while more we-focused societies ones that encourage social engagement invest more in the past. Poorer communities tend to live more in the present.

Scientists tell us that we can learn to shift our attention easily between the past, present and future, and consciously adapt our mindset to any given situation. Learning to switch time perspectives allows us to fully take part in everything we do, whether it’s a relaxed evening reading a good book or recalling old stories with family and friends.

What kind of fun do you have

Over my life and I suspect yours, I have come across people 

• Who look but don't see, and so miss out on life's joys and beauty
• Who listen but don't hear, so they miss out on the sounds of nature, the beauty of the thunder rolling across the sky, and the laughter of a child who has just discovered their toes. 
• Who know what they need to do, but they don't do it. So, they miss out on the joy of completing something but also feeling proud, not only of the job completed but of the effort expended to do the job.

All of these people have fun and contribute but they don't have the kind of fun that those who look and see, listen and hear, and know and do have. The latter have jumping-waving-crazy-dodgeball kind of fun.