The Things We Don't Say

 Sometimes, when people say they aren't worried, they really are.

I have learned this over years of sitting across from people, listening to what they say and trying to hear what they don't. It happens in living rooms and coffee shops, at community centre tables and on park benches. Someone will lean back in their chair, wave a hand in the air, and say, "Oh, I'm not worried about it."

And if you know how to listen, you can hear the worry hiding underneath.

It is in the slight hesitation before the words. The way the eyes drop for just a fraction of a second. The too-bright smile that doesn't quite reach the corners. The subject change comes too quickly.

I'm not worried.

But they are. They are worried about their health, their money, their kids, and whether they will be a burden. They are worried about the future, about the world, about whether anyone will notice when they are gone. They are worried about all the things that keep people awake at 3:00 a.m. when the house is quiet, and the mind won't stop.

And yet, they say they aren't.

Why do we do this? Why do we coat our deepest fears in the language of indifference?

Because worry feels vulnerable, feels weak. Worry means admitting that there are things in this life we cannot control, and that is a terrifying thing to say out loud. So, we dress it up in denial. We put on a brave face. We tell ourselves and anyone who asks that we are fine, we are fine, we are fine.

But fine is a small word that carries a lot of weight.

Sometimes, when people say they don't care, they really care.

I think about the senior who insists it doesn't matter if his daughter calls. "She's busy," he says. "She has her own life. I don't need to hear from her every week." And maybe he even believes it, for a moment. But then the phone stays silent, and his eyes drift to the window, and you can see that it does matter. It matters a great deal.

I think about the woman who says she doesn't care about her birthday. "It's just another day," she says. "I don't need a fuss." But when the card arrives in the mail, when the neighbour stops by with a small cake, when someone remembers, her face changes. The walls come down. And you realize that the not caring was always a shield, never a truth.

We say we don't care because caring leaves us open to disappointment. If you don't care, you can't be hurt. If you don't care, you can't be let down. If you don't care, you are safe.

But safety is lonely. And most of us, deep down, would rather risk the hurt than spend our lives alone. We don't know how to admit it.

And sometimes, when people say they don't know, they do, but they'd rather not.

This is the one I hear most often. It comes up in conversations about the future, about difficult decisions, about things that feel too heavy to carry.

"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know."

"What do you think about that?"
"I don't know."

"How are you feeling about all of this?"
"I don't know."

But they do know. They know exactly what they want, what they think, how they feel. They know because they have been turning it over in their minds for weeks, for months, for years. They have examined it from every angle. They have imagined every outcome. They know.

Knowing is not the problem. The problem is that knowing means having to act. Knowing means having to decide. Knowing means having to say something out loud, and once it is out loud, it is real.

And real is scary.

So we take refuge in not knowing. We hide behind uncertainty. We tell ourselves that if we haven't decided yet, we haven't failed yet. If we haven't chosen, we haven't closed any doors. If we don't know, we can't be held responsible for what happens next.

But the not knowing is its own kind of weight. It sits on your chest while you try to sleep. It follows you around like a shadow. It drains the colour out of the days because you are always waiting, always postponing, always holding your breath.

I was talking to a senior recently about a decision he needed to make. It was a big one, the kind that changes things. He kept circling back to the same phrase: "I just don't know what to do."

I sat with him for a while. We talked around it. We talked about other things. And then, somewhere in the middle of a sentence about something else entirely, he stopped. He looked at me. And he said, quietly, "I know what I want. I've known for months. I don't want to say it."

There it was. The truth, hiding in plain sight.

He knew. He had always known. He just needed permission to admit it.

Most of the time, we know. Most of the time, we care. Most of the time, we are worried. We just don't know how to say it. We haven't found the words. We haven't found the right person to say them to. We haven't given ourselves permission to be honest about the things that matter most.

And that is where the rest of us come in.

If you are reading this and you have someone in your life, a parent, a friend, a neighbour, a spouse, who might be carrying things they aren't saying, here is what I want you to know:

You don't need to fix them. You don't need to solve their problems. You don't need to have the right words or the perfect advice.

You just need to be there.

You need to sit with them in silence. You need to ask questions and then wait long enough for the real answers to surface. You need to make it safe for them to say the things they have been holding inside. You need to let them know, without saying it directly, that you can handle their worry, their caring, their knowing.

Because most of the time, that is all anyone really wants. Not answers. Not solutions. Just someone who will stay in the room while they figure it out.

And if you are the one carrying the things you aren't saying—the worry, the caring, the knowing—here is something to consider:

You don't have to carry it alone.

The people who love you, the people who show up, the people who ask how you are and mean it—they are not looking for perfection. They are not expecting you to have it all figured out. They are just looking for you. The real you. The one with the fears, the feelings, and the things you'd rather not say.

You can tell them. You can trust them. You can let them in.

It won't solve everything. But you might be surprised at how much lighter the load feels when you don't have to carry it by yourself.

Sometimes when people say they aren't worried, they really are.
Sometimes when they say they don't care, they really care.
And sometimes when they say they don't know, they do.

Most of the time, actually.

Most of the time, we know. We care. We worry.

We just need someone to remind us that it's okay to say so.

The Quiet Victory of What Didn't Happen

Look around you.

I mean it. Stop for a moment, right where you are, and just look.

If you are reading this in your home, look at the walls that have held steady through countless seasons. Look at the photographs on the shelf, the frozen moments of laughter, of gatherings, of people you have loved. Look at the window and the light coming through it. Look at your hands holding this screen.

Now, think about everything those hands have done.

They have held newborns. They have waved goodbye. They have cooked thousands of meals, turned thousands of pages, and reached for someone else’s hand in the dark. They have built things, fixed things, and sometimes just held on when holding on was all you could do.

And here you are. Still here. Still holding on.

We live in a time when the world feels intent on convincing us that everything is falling apart. Turn on the television, and the news is a relentless scroll of disaster. Pick up your phone, and the notifications deliver fresh anxiety in neat little rectangles. War, division, climate, cost of living, loneliness, it all arrives at once, demanding our attention, demanding our despair.

It is easy to look at that wall of noise and feel like the world has never been darker. It is easy to forget that the news has never been very good. It has never been loud.

But here is a truth worth sitting with: in every life, there will always be challenges that have manifested, and dreams that haven't. That is simply the deal we all make when we show up for this thing called living. We sign up for disappointment. We sign up for loss. We sign up for the plans that go sideways and the people who leave too soon.

But here is the part we forget, the part the news will never tell you:

Those challenges, as real and as painful as they are, will always pale in comparison to the number of dreams that have manifested, and the challenges that haven't.

Think about that for a moment.

The challenges that haven't.

How many disasters did you spend sleepless nights worrying about that never actually arrived? How many worst-case scenarios played out in your mind but never played out in your life? How many times did you brace for impact, only to find that the impact never came?

We carry those invisible victories with us every single day, and we never give them a second thought.

We are alive. That alone is a statistical miracle, given everything that had to go right for any of us to be here. We woke up this morning. We drew breath. For most of us, there was food to eat, water to drink, and a roof that kept the rain off our heads.

These are not small things. They are everything.

I think about the seniors I have had the privilege of knowing over the years. The ones who lived through wars, through depressions, through loss that would flatten most of us. And the ones who made it to the other side with something intact, something that looked a lot like gratitude.

I remember one woman in her nineties who told me she counts her blessings every night before she falls asleep. Not the big ones, she said. The small ones. The fact that her tea was hot that morning. The fact that her neighbour waved. The fact that she woke up at all.

"At my age," she said with a wink, "waking up is not guaranteed. So every morning I beat the odds. That feels like a win."

She was right. She beats the odds every single day. And so do you.

We spend so much time focused on the dreams that didn't work out. The job we didn't get. The relationship that ended. The move we never made. The health that failed. And yes, those things hurt. They leave marks. They deserve to be acknowledged and mourned.

But what about the dreams that did work out?

What about the child who grew up, found their way, and still calls on Sundays? What about the friendship that has lasted fifty years? What about the morning you woke up and decided to take a chance on something, and it actually paid off? What about the times you were lost and found your way home?

What about all the ordinary, beautiful, unremarkable days that somehow added up to a life?

They count. They all count.

Look around you again.

If you are lucky enough to have people in your life, look at them. If you are alone right now, look at the evidence of a life lived, the books on the shelf, the well-worn chair, the view from the window that has changed a thousand times and somehow stayed the same.

You have survived 100% of your worst days. That is  not nothing. That is a track record of resilience that would be the envy of any athlete or CEO.

And here is the other thing: you are still here. Which means you still have the chance to add to the list of manifested dreams.

Your dreams may look different now than they did at thirty. They may be smaller. They may be quieter. Maybe they are simply: I want to see my granddaughter graduate. I want to plant tomatoes this spring. I want to sit on the porch and watch the sun go down without rushing to the next thing.

Those are not small dreams. Those are the dreams of someone who understands what really matters.

The world will always sell you on its chaos. It profits from your fear, your outrage, your sense that everything is slipping. But you don't have to buy what it's selling.

You can look around instead.

You can notice the neighbour who still waves. The barista who remembers your order. The friend who sends a card, not because they have to, but because they were thinking of you. The volunteer who shows up at the community centre every Tuesday, rain or shine, because there are people who need to see a friendly face.

You can notice the small, stubborn goodness that keeps showing up, day after day, refusing to be defeated by the headlines.

And you can remind yourself: for every dream that didn't make it, a dozen others did. For every challenge that arrived, a hundred others passed you by.

That is not denial. That is not toxic positivity. That is just math. And it is the math of a life that has made it this far.

So if you are feeling the weight of the world today, if the negativity feels like it is pressing in from all sides, try this:

Put down the phone for a while. Step away from the noise.

Look around you.

And take a quiet moment to marvel at everything that went right, everything that held steady, everything that worked out, just well enough for you to be here, reading these words, still in the game.

The challenges are real. The disappointments are real. The losses are real.

But so is everything else. And there is so much more of it.

The sun came up again this morning. You were here to see it.

That is a dream manifested. Don't let it go unnoticed.

Time for a look at the lighter side

 I told my friend I was feeling useless, so he suggested I try volunteering at the retirement home.

I said, "But I'm 78 years old."
He said, "Perfect. You can answer the front desk phone."
I said, "But I don't know how to use the new system."
He said, "Don't worry. Neither does anyone who calls."

I asked my doctor how to live longer.
He said, "Have you tried volunteering?"
I said, "Will it really add years to my life?"
He said, "Well, it will feel like it when you're folding newsletters for the third hour."
I said, "That's not funny."
He said, "Neither is your blood pressure. Now go hand out water at the 5K."

My grandson asked me why I spend so much time at the food bank.
I said, "Because it gives me purpose."
He said, "But you just told Mom you spend most of your time there sorting cans by expiration date and muttering."
I said, "Exactly. Purpose and commentary. It's a package deal."

I signed up to read to children at the library.
The first book I picked was about a turtle who crossed the road to find his purpose.
A little boy raised his hand and said, "Why didn't he just use the crosswalk?"
I said, "Because then there wouldn't be a story."
He said, "So the moral is that we make things harder than they need to be?"
I said, "You're seven. How are you already this wise?"

I told my wife I was going to start volunteering at the hospital.
She said, "That's wonderful, dear. What will you do?"
I said, "I'll sit with people who aren't ready to receive visitors."
She said, "So... you'll sit in the waiting room like you do here?"
I said, "At the hospital they have better magazines."

The research says older people get more health benefits from volunteering.
I told this to my friend Harold.
He said, "That's because we're the only ones who still know how to fold a fitted sheet at the church donation center."
I said, "Harold, that's not what the research means."
He said, "You've never tried to fold a fitted sheet. It's a cardiovascular workout."

I asked the volunteer coordinator what the most important quality is for someone answering the crisis line.
She said, "The ability to sit with someone who isn't ready to talk."
I said, "So basically marriage."
She said, "Without the commentary about whose turn it is to do the dishes."
I said, "I'm still qualified."

My daughter asked why I keep volunteering at the same place even though no one seems to appreciate it.
I said, "Because the question isn't whether they're ready for me. The question is whether I'm ready for them."
She said, "That's beautiful, Dad."
I said, "Also, they have free coffee."
She said, "That's more honest."
I said, "That's called being responsible toward life... and caffeine."

I hope these bring a smile to your face as you head out to answer the next question coming your way

Why Your Reaching Matters More Than You Know

I want to talk with you today about something the research on volunteering does not say directly but implies in every finding. Something we have danced around in our previous conversations but have not yet named plainly.

The people you will serve through volunteering may not be ready to receive you.

They may be suspicious. They may be ungrateful. They may be closed off, walled in, convinced that no one really cares and you are just another person passing through. They may reject your help, ignore your presence, or treat you with indifference.

And none of that matters. None of it changes the truth of what happens when you show up anyway.

The research review I told you about found something fascinating about what amplifies the benefits of volunteering. Feeling appreciated matters. Altruistic motivations matter. Reflection on what you are doing matters. Religious volunteering, for those who are inclined that way, matters.

But here is what the research does not say. It does not say that the people you help have to be grateful. It does not say that they have to welcome you with open arms. It does not say that your efforts must be met with appreciation in order for you to receive the benefits.

Why? Because the benefits are not dependent on them. The benefits are dependent on you. On your reaching. On your showing up. On your willingness to be responsible toward life, regardless of how life responds.

This connects deeply to what we have been exploring together. The idea that living itself means nothing other than being questioned. That our whole act of being is a response, a way of being responsible toward life.

Volunteering is one of the purest forms of that response. It is answering the question that the world asks, not with words, but with presence. Not with promises, but with action. Not with conditions, but with open hands.

And the beauty of it, the profound and liberating beauty of it, is that you do not need the world to be ready for you. You just need to be ready for the world.

I think about the volunteers I have known over the years. The ones who read to prisoners who stared at the floor and never said thank you. The ones who fed people who smelled of alcohol and muttered insults. The ones who visited nursing homes and sat with residents who did not know their own names, let alone the names of the strangers who came to see them.

Why did they keep doing it? Why do any of us keep doing things that seem to go unnoticed, unappreciated, unreturned?

Because the doing is not about them. It is about us. It is about answering the question that their existence asks. "Will you see me? Will you acknowledge that I am here? Will you treat me as human, even if I cannot treat you as human in return?"

That question does not require them to be ready. It only requires us to be willing.

The research confirms this in an indirect way. It found that social support, the connections we make through volunteering, has protective effects against negative outcomes. It found that positive social outcomes encourage other positive health and wellbeing outcomes. It found that the sense of community we build through service creates a foundation for everything else.

But that sense of community is not built only on the people who welcome us. It is built on the practice of showing up. On the habit of reaching out. On the discipline of being present even when presence seems pointless.

Think about the volunteers who staff crisis hotlines. They sit for hours, often in silence, waiting for calls that may never come. And when the calls do come, they are often from people who are angry, confused, not ready to receive help, not sure why they even called. The volunteers do not get thanked. They do not get appreciated. They do not get the satisfaction of seeing lives transformed in front of them.

And yet, study after study shows that crisis line volunteers report higher levels of purpose, connection, and life satisfaction than the general population. Not because the people they help are ready. But because they themselves are ready. Ready to answer. Ready to reach. Ready to be responsible toward life, regardless of how life responds.

This matters for us, my friends. This matters because so often we wait for the right conditions. We wait until we feel appreciated. We wait until someone asks. We wait until we are sure our efforts will make a difference.

And while we wait, the questions keep coming. And we keep not answering.

The research found that people of lower socioeconomic status may actually benefit more from volunteering than those of higher status. Think about what that means. The people who have less, who face more challenges, who might reasonably focus all their energy on surviving, these are the people who may gain the most from giving.

Why? Because giving connects us to something beyond our struggle. Because reaching out lifts us out of our own concerns. Because being responsible toward life, even when life is hard, reminds us that we are still part of something. Still needed. Still able to matter.

And if that is true for those who have less, how much more true might it be for us who have more? More time. More wisdom. More perspective. More freedom from the demands that once consumed us.

The research also found that religious volunteering amplifies the benefits of service. Not just because of altruistic motives, but because it provides a space to enact identity, to live out what we believe, to strengthen our connection to something sacred.

But I want to suggest that this is not limited to religious volunteering. Any volunteering that connects you to your deepest values, that allows you to enact the person you want to be, that gives you space to live out your beliefs about what matters, any volunteering like that will amplify the benefits.

Because the question is not whether the people you serve are ready. The question is whether you are ready. Ready to become the person you claim to be. Ready to live out your values. Ready to answer the call that has been waiting for you all along.

Here is my invitation to you today. Stop waiting for the perfect opportunity. Stop waiting to feel appreciated. Stop waiting for someone to ask.

Find something. Anything. A place where need exists, where your presence might matter, where you can show up and be present. And then show up. Not because you will be thanked. Not because you will see results. Not because the people you serve are ready.

Show up because you are ready. Show up because answering the question is what you were made for. Show up because being responsible toward life, regardless of how life responds, is the deepest source of meaning there is.

The research proves you will live longer. It proves you will function better. It proves you will find purpose and connection and joy.

But more than the research, more than the studies and statistics, there is the quiet truth you already know. The moments you have felt most alive are the moments you have forgotten yourself in service. The peace you have known deepest is the peace that came after you reached out, even when no one reached back.

That is the question asking. That is the answer waiting.

Even if they are not ready. Especially if they are not ready.

With hope and determination,
Every day I am learning to show up anyway