Speak with confidence

 Speak confidently as if you are right, but listen carefully as if you are wrong. Early on in life, I realized that if you listen carefully to people you could learn from them. Over my career I have found success by surrounding and supporting those who are smarter than me or who have better skill sets then I do.

One thing that my father taught me when I was about 15 years old was that there would be people who take advantage of their position. These people would bully, cajole, or demean those who they had power over because they could. My dad said, if you are in that situation as a worker, you have a choice, be bullied, stand up for yourself, or quit. He also said that if you are on equal standing as a supervisor with the bully, it is your responsibility to tell them to stop, and if they don’t then you need to report them and if that does not work, then you need to leave. Management which allows this type of behavior is not worth working with and you will regret your decision to stay.

Over my working life, I was fortunate to work with only one boss that was a bully. I stood up for myself and for my pains I was fired. At the time, it was devastating, but eventually it was a blessing. As a result of being fired, I took some time to revaluate my priorities and changed my career path. When I went into education, I remembered what my dad said, and never tried to force my students or bully them. I also, because of my mom and my dad, grew up with a sense of confidence that I could do whatever I wanted to do.

As I moved into new areas that others were not sure of, I listened to what people said and I learned from them, and I also learned how to speak with confidence. Speak with confidence and it has a strange effect on people, they want to believe you and that creates a sense of responsibility for them. I have found that whatever I went into, over time I have moved into leadership positions and in those positions I always speak with confidence but listen as if I am wrong.

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

Did you ever second guess yourself, many of us do and we end up worrying and losing sleep over what we could, or should have done differently. What if every single decision you ever made, was the right one?

Way back when I was a nineteen-year-old, first-year university student, I ran for Student Council on a whim. I never expected to win, but I did, which put me in a difficult position as I had no plans or idea on how to run the office I had just won. I was elected to a new council in a new position. That gave me the freedom to set precedent and create a new path. It also did not give me any precedent to go by.

Remember everything lasts forever on the Internet. Recently one of the decisions I made as a 19-year-old, was brought to lite in an Instagram and Facebook Post and I was surprised by the traction it received. The Post on Instagram was by Simon Fraser Alumni Association and the post said,

We are reposting an item that we shared in one of our first Instagram posts. In this letter addressed to Royce Shook, Simon Fraser Student Society Cultural Director, Martin Luther King Jr. politely declines an offer to speak at SFU in the spring of 1966. Beyond documenting this decision, the letter records in King’s own words his activities at the time to “grapple with the problem of racial injustice that the Negroes still face in this country.”

The letter is located with other correspondence of the SFSS Cultural Director in the Simon Fraser Student Society fonds (F-74).

So back in 1966 just after being elected I decided to reach out to Doctor King and invited him to come to speak to us about issues that were facing his people. Doctor King did not come to speak; was my decision the right one? Yes, it was even though it did not bring the desired results. 

I never doubted the decision to ask, and a few years later when I needed an international speaker to help a society I was running gain traction, I reached out to another famous person and this time they came. The decision to ask gave me the confidence to do it again, with better results. So never second guess your decisions they were the right ones based on what you knew at the time.

Dr. Kings' letter is below.

Build others up

You are asked to take a test that measures your creativity for work or you do it for fun on the net, and the test results show you are not very creative. You have many ideas. However, if you are honest with yourself, most of those ideas are mediocre. Even your better ideas are, on reflection not as good as you first think they are. You would do better to keep your ideas to yourself and focus on your somewhat stronger analytic skills.

Now I would like you to perform a little exercise. I would like you to think of 25 creative ideas on how you might devise a better bathtub. Be creative and suggest the most outlandish, imaginative ideas you can. (Of course, I know that your Creativity score is below 25 points, so I don't expect you to have particularly creative ideas - but try anyway, please). You can list the ideas on a sheet of paper, draw a mind-map, sketch bathtub ideas, or just imagine them in your head. Whatever works for you.

Have you finished yet? Speed up. As I said before, your score on the creativity test was not very good I won't expect much from you. But you are determined so I know that you won’t give up on the exercise.

OOPS, the test results you were given were wrong, you really are a creative person. You bubble over with ideas and have a  knack for generating creative solutions to all kinds of problems. Although some of your ideas may not be brilliant, given a little time, you can be relied upon to come up with ideas that are not only creative, but also highly viable. Even if you don't think of yourself as being creative, the truth is you are in the top 8% of the world's  creative thinkers. Now, let's try that exercise again. Try to think of 25 really creative ideas on how you might devise a better bathtub.

Go on, a creative thinker like you should have no problem with this task!

You probably had had no trouble figuring out  what has been happening. The first analysis was very  negative not only about your creativity and such a negative personal  review very possibly dented your confidence, particularly as the text  described characteristics of a creative thinker in a very negative  way. The result was you were probably not very enthusiastic about performing the creative exercise. I would not be surprised if you did  not bother with it at all!

The second analysis was much more positive. It was also doubtless a more accurate description of you. If you tried the creativity exercise after that second analysis, you probably found it  relatively easy to come up with 25 bathtub ideas.

If you would like to make a proper experiment of this, bring together two groups of people. Give members of one group the first description and the other group the second description. Then ask them both to perform the bathtub ideas exercise independently. Chances are, the second group will have better, more creative ideas than the first.

The conclusion probably does not surprise you. Confident people find it easier to generate ideas and to feel confident about those ideas. That makes them more comfortable sharing their ideas with their colleagues and selling their ideas to others.

People who do not feel confident about themselves and their abilities, on the other hand, will also feel uncertain about their ideas. Indeed, they will almost certainly find it harder to generate ideas because their non-confident minds will reject ideas rather than propose them. Even when non-confident people have good ideas, they will probably be uncertain about those ideas and reluctant to share them with colleagues, let alone try to sell them to others

Building the confidence of your friends and colleagues is not difficult. It requires you compliment them realistically - such as by stressing their strengths and positive contribution to the team. It requires that you stimulate them at work and give them challenging projects that demonstrate your confidence in their abilities.

There is a lot of literature available on how to boost  self-confidence of yourself and others. If you want to learn more, I'd suggest you start Googling!.

How To Communicate Better Body Language Secrets

Is one of your goals to be more confident this year, here are some ideas to help. Knowing how to improve communication skills will come easier once you become aware of your own communication style. Each person has a unique way of communicating. Listen to your own speech. What sorts of words do you use? Which sort of body language and what tone of voice are you using?

Now, think of someone who, in your opinion, is a good communicator. Compare your style to theirs. You’ve just taken an important first step in how to improve communication skills.

Since the 1970’s, learning how to communicate better has had a lot to do with understanding body language.

Julius Fast wrote a book entitled, Body Language in 1970. He talked about a new science called Kinesics. It opened the way to more studies and books on the subjects. Today, the term Body Language is very common and understood as an important element of communication.

In fact, experts in the field of communication suggest that there is a rule that says that 7% of the meaning of what a person is saying comes from their words.

Interestingly, 38% is based on the tone of their voice. 55% of the meaning comes from the body language of the person that is speaking. This rule comes from research that was published in the late 1960’s.

Some now think that the percentages from this research might be slightly different. Nevertheless, the bottom line is still the same. If you don’t know the basics of body language, you are missing a valuable tool for learning how to communicate better. We speak body language on a subliminal level, without actually realizing that we are communicating through body talk.

1. Face
The most expressive part of your body is your face. When you enter a room if you feel nervous, your expression might make you look aloof or unfriendly. Smiling at the room is a sure-fire way to remove anyone’s doubts about your approachability. Smiling makes us look warm, open and confident.

2. Eyes
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. They certainly give people clues about what we are feeling.
A direct gaze towards someone can show interest- direct staring on the other hand can mean an intense dislike. Very little eye contact can show that you are shy.

3. Hands
Have you ever watched someone’s hand gestures when they are talking? Open hand gestures tend to make a person appear open and honest. Bringing hands together to a point can accent the point you are making.
Wringing your hands or excessively moving your fingers and hands will give away nervousness. It can even make someone look dishonest- are they trying to hide something?

4. Posture
If you lean towards someone you are showing an interest in that person. If we are feeling low in confidence, we tend to slouch our shoulders and look down.Men and women use different body language. For instance, women will stand close to each other, hold eye contact with the person they are talking to and use gestures.
Men make little effort to maintain eye contact and don’t rely on the use of gestures to communicate. Men and women can learn how to communicate better by observing the differences in their use of body language.


Now that you are aware of your own style, study the style of those around you. How do the most important people in your life converse? How do they say things? Look for approaches you can model and make your own.

Adjust to the other styles of communication. Don’t think it is too late to change your way of conversing because it’s been years. You had to learn to communicate in the first place and you can unlearn certain behaviors or change them. Sometimes we get stuck in a communication rut.

A father once was having a hard time with his teenaged daughter. She was growing and he thought she didn’t tell him what was going on in her life. They were in a heated discussion when he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Her answer was that she had, but he was too busy lecturing her to hear her. He learned that adjusting his style to his daughter would involve listening first before jumping right into solving the problem.

To build rapport, during a conversation try and match the other person’s movements, posture and verbal style. Don’t do everything they do, but mirror one or two things. For example, if the person gives mostly short answers to questions, you follow suit.

Or, maybe they talk at a slower pace than you usually do-slow your speaking speed to match theirs. This may sound simplistic but it is a very potent way to make someone feel very relaxed and comfortable in your presence.

The way you communicate at home may not be the same as in a different environment. Make sure you change your style to suit the different setting. Some comments you might want to tell your best friend, in private.

Other things can be shared in a group setting. Learn how to improve communication skills by altering your style for the appropriate setting. Many of us know someone who offers far too much information in a group setting.

Don’t criticize others for communicating differently. If we all communicated in the same way, we’d soon be bored with each other. Getting a good grasp of your communication style and finding ways to accommodate other peoples’ styles, is a good way to improve your communication skills.

Ideas to improve communication

Do you have a goal of increasing your communications skills this year. Here are some ideas to help
Each person has a unique way of communicating. Listen to your own speech. What sorts of words do you use? Which sort of body language and what tone of voice are you using?  Now, think of someone who, in your opinion, is a good communicator. Compare your style to theirs. You’ve just taken an important first step in how to improve communication skills.

Since the 1970’s, learning how to communicate better has had a lot to do with understanding body language.
Julius Fast wrote a book entitled, Body Language in 1970. He talked about a new science called Kinesics. It opened the way to more studies and books on the subjects. Today, the term Body Language is very common and understood as an important element of communication.

In fact, experts in the field of communication suggest that there is a rule that says that 7% of the meaning of what a person is saying comes from their words.
Interestingly, 38% is based on the tone of their voice. 55% of the meaning comes from the body language of the person that is speaking. This rule comes from research that was published in the late 1960’s.

Some now think that the percentages from this research might be slightly different. Nevertheless, the bottom line is still the same. If you don’t know the basics of body language, you are missing a valuable tool for learning how to communicate better. We speak body language on a subliminal level, without actually realizing that we are communicating through body talk.

1. Face
The most expressive part of your body is your face. When you enter a room if you feel nervous, your expression might make you look aloof or unfriendly.
Smiling at the room is a sure-fire way to remove anyone’s doubts about your approachability. Smiling makes us look warm, open and confident.

2. Eyes
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. They certainly give people clues about what we are feeling.
A direct gaze towards someone can show interest- direct staring on the other hand can mean an intense dislike. Very little eye contact can show that you are shy.

3. Hands
Have you ever watched someone’s hand gestures when they are talking? Open hand gestures tend to make a person appear open and honest. Bringing hands together to a point can accent the point you are making.
Wringing your hands or excessively moving your fingers and hands will give away nervousness. It can even make someone look dishonest- are they trying to hide something?

4. Posture
If you lean towards someone you are showing an interest in that person. If we are feeling low in confidence, we tend to slouch our shoulders and look down.
Men and women use different body language. For instance, women will stand close to each other, hold eye contact with the person they are talking to and use gestures.Men make little effort to maintain eye contact and don’t rely on the use of gestures to communicate. Men and women can learn how to communicate better by observing the differences in their use of body language.

Knowing how to improve communication skills will come easier once you become aware of your own communication style. Adjust to the other styles of communication. Don’t think it is too late to change your way of conversing because it’s been years. You had to learn to communicate in the first place and you can unlearn certain behaviors or change them. Sometimes we get stuck in a communication rut.

A father once was having a hard time with his teenaged daughter. She was growing and he thought she didn’t tell him what was going on in her life. They were in a heated discussion when he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Her answer was that she had, but he was too busy lecturing her to hear her. He learned that adjusting his style to his daughter would involve listening first before jumping right into solving the problem.

To build rapport, during a conversation try and match the other person’s movements, posture and verbal style. Don’t do everything they do, but mirror one or two things. For example, if the person gives mostly short answers to questions, you follow suit.

Or, maybe they talk at a slower pace than you usually do-slow your speaking speed to match theirs. This may sound simplistic but it is a very potent way to make someone feel very relaxed and comfortable in your presence.

The way you communicate at home may not be the same as in a different environment. Make sure you change your style to suit the different setting. Some comments you might want to tell your best friend, in private.

Other things can be shared in a group setting. Learn how to improve communication skills by altering your style for the appropriate setting. Many of us know someone who offers far too much information in a group setting.

Don’t criticize others for communicating differently. If we all communicated in the same way, we’d soon be bored with each other.

Getting a good grasp of your communication style and finding ways to accommodate other peoples’ styles, is a good way to improve your communication skills.

Now that you are aware of your own style, study the style of those around you. How do the most important people in your life converse? How do they say things? Look for approaches you can model and make your own.