Being Busy in retirement is not being engaged

 After 30 plus years of work, we have developed a series of skill sets that may be unique to our job, or unique to our industry. When we leave the workforce, we take those with us, and our employer and our industry lose those skills. 

In retirement, we have choices such as going back to work full time, making it easy, seeking some part-time work, volunteering, recreation, and travel. Being productive and using our skill sets as a source of meaning is not an important type of meaning in retirement. When we retire, we need to be actively engaged rather than just mindlessly engaged if we are to find meaning. 

Being busy should not be mistaken for engagement. Busyness can be a defense against the challenge to find meaning. In retirement, activities that are meaningful for both retirees and the recipients of their labour are desirable forms of engagement (e.g., coaching, teaching, mentoring of youth).   

Being busy in retirement is pretty easy to do because time loses its meaning. If I no longer have the time constraint of getting up at a certain time to go to work, I may find my morning routine changes. If my morning routine changes then my daily routine also changes. Over time I find it takes longer to complete tasks that it once did. So, as a consequence of having more time people take more time, and so seem busier. It would pay to monitor your daily routines to see if you are actually doing anything productive or if you are just wasting time being busy. 

Do you want to be engaged or do you want to be busy? There is a difference and one that is important to your understanding of self. I think many of us start out being engaged. After a few years of engagement, we draw back to re-energize and gather our bearings. As we find things to fill out time (I have a friend who take three hours to read and digest the local paper after breakfast), we find that we start to get busy, and once we get busy, we may find it hard to get engaged, because it is an easy option to stay busy. 

If we do not stay engaged, the skill sets that we worked hard to develop, and hone will start to fade. There is an old adage “use it or lose it” that is true about both mental and physical skills. Being busy is not as important as staying engaged if you want to have a long, successful retirement with a high degree  of self confidence and a deeper understanding of your self worth and self awareness.

 

The hardest words

We faced a lot of hard moments in our life. As we raised our family, dealt with life’s issues, and tried to be upstanding citizens from youth to retirement, we have many memories of which we are proud. But anyone who has successfully come to their senior years also has a few relationships and moments that they are not proud of as well.

One of the hardest things to admit is that we ever were wrong. But the chances are that by this stage in our life, we can look back and think of times when we did mistreated people, where we were in the wrong and were not honest or ethical or moral in some aspect of life. I know when I look back; I have had those moments. But in the middle of a struggle, when we behave shamefully, it’s easy to just get past it, bury it in our mind and let the passage of time wipe away that memory. It is easy to do, but not something we should not do.

But our senior years are about more than just trips, meeting with friends and sleeping until noon. It is also about reviewing the life you lived and celebrating the joys and successes you have had. But to be honest with yourself, you cannot rejoice in the good without remembering those times when you were the one doing wrong and the people you hurt and the damage that was caused by your mistakes.

Facing life after retirement is about putting your affairs in order so you can live out the balance of your days with a peaceful mind and a happy heart. Most times, all that you have to do to resolve a mistake you made or to fix a broken relationship is to be prepared to say the two hardest words there are in the English language. And those words are–I’m sorry.  

It would be a shame that would border on a Shakespearian tragedy if you looked back at your life and identified those broken relationships that were caused by your pride, your impetuous activity, or your greed. Some of those relationships may be very important to you and to leave them broken as you move into your retirement years is more than just a shame. It’s unimaginable. So how do you go about saying you’re sorry and saying “I’m sorry” to someone with whom the relationship ended a long time ago? Friends come and go, but family is with you forever, and most families have fought and many ends up lasting a lifetime. In my family, my grandmother and her sisters did not speak for over 50 years, and they died without resolving whatever conflict happened. Family fights and broken family relationships hurt not only the family members involved, but they also hurt many more, including cousins, other siblings, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, etc.

Perhaps the easiest way to accomplish this very hard part of setting your affairs in order is to work through someone who can help make it happen. Perhaps another family member can be of help. Another sibling may mend this family rift and be happy to see that relationship restored. If you can call that sister who still loves you and still loves your brother, she may help soften the hurt feelings and be the mediator between two hurt brothers who are desperate to be reconciled.

You can bet that it would thrill your sister to be the one to bring you two together. This is just one example of a way to reach out and say the hardest words ever to fix a mistake you made in life. It’s a way to reach out to that person you hurt and just say, “I’m sorry”, which is what I had wished my grandmother and her sisters could have done.

Give thanks

For simply giving thanks, when you lie down to sleep each night or from time to time, for no reason or rhyme, you'll begin to move with life instead of against it.

You'll be shown that life could not possibly be more beautiful than it already is. You'll see that you are the fountainhead of your experience. You'll remember that you transcend all things time and space, and thus are their very master. And you'll find that you live in a paradise where the only thing that truly seems impossible is how powerful you really are and how much you are loved.

What else would you think about, anyway? I bet many of you don’t think about life in this way. As adults and perhaps when we were children we had thoughts running around in our head.

This is what is called self-talk and it includes not only what people say to themselves out loud or inside our heads. Self-talk is set apart from other inner speech and non-language-based cognition, however, in that it has recognizable syntax and can occur either internally or out loud. When considered this way, self-talk can be defined as an act of syntactically recognizable communication in which the sender of the message is also the intended receiver.

By the time we have reached adulthood, we have heard the word no more than 200,000 times, and that has an effect on us. As some of here the negatives, we begin to use self-talk to reinforce what we hear from others. So the voice in our head starts to tell us we are not good enough, not smart enough, not beautiful or handsome enough and over time we begin to believe the lies we tell ourselves. So, my hope is that you will begin to focus on all the positives you have going for you. You are loved and respected and have friends and family, who see only the good in you. Perhaps it is time for you to start seeing the good within as well.

Seniors and self esteem

Few of us think about our own self-esteem.  But how we feel about ourselves, our work, our relationship to family and the community and our place in the world is the cornerstone not only of our ability to function and be productive in life but of our mental and physical health as well.  That is a basic concept of human psychology for everyone and that need for self-esteem doesn’t go away when you become older. This post is for those who are caring for senior parents or older loved ones.

When you think about it, this episode of being a caregiver for your ageing parent is not your first crack at caregiving.  You were the caregiver and to some extent still are for your children as they were growing up.  You took care of their every need including their emotional and psychological needs.  And any good parent learns early on that a child’s self-esteem if vital to their success in school and in life.

Now you are in that relationship with your mom and/or dad and while you are not “raising them”, you have taken on the caregiver role which means in addition to worrying about their finances, their physical health, their diet and their living arrangements, their mental health and self-esteem are things for you to consider as well.

Because it’s not us going through those losses, it is hard for us to empathize with the huge changes going on in the life of your mom and dad and the massive impact those changes have on their self-esteem.  For a parent, your sense of self-worth comes from your independence, your ability to take care of your kids, do your job and be useful to others in society.

In the senior years, all of that could disappear in what seems like an instant.  In the eyes of some seniors, they go from being the hero to their kids to being a pitiful old man or woman being taken care of like they were the child.  Their feeling of being useful vanishes and is replaced by a feeling of being unnecessary and a nuisance.  The “things” that they invested themselves in that are symbols of their success which includes their house, their ability to drive and their work all go away in rapid succession one after the other.

Small wonder senior citizens undergo a tremendous drop in self-esteem.  And when you go from thinking highly of yourself to not liking who you are at all, that is a formula for disaster.  It’s a dangerous mental condition to stay in because, without self-esteem, the natural response is to turn to unhealthy thoughts of alcohol or drug abuse or in the most extreme cases, suicide.

As a caregiver, be aware of the self-esteem of your ageing parent and the huge impact moving out of their home and losing their spouse and ability to drive is having on them.  The symptoms of poor self esteem is your parent doesn’t take care of himself like he used to, repeats stories over and over because those stories remind him of a time when he liked himself and seem to launch on desperate adventures to try things he really should not take on just to get a feeling of being someone again.

You can do a lot to build that self-esteem back up in your ageing parent.  Help him get in touch with family and old friends.  Encourage him to talk about the old times and pour praise on him about those days.  And above all, let him have lots of time with the grandkids.  Grandchildren could love anyone into liking themselves.  So let them use a little of that magic on your parents so they can like themselves again. 

Hierarchy in Self Insight and Professional Growth

Maslow made some great points when he commented on the “hierarchy of needs.” As stated by his viewpoint led him to believe that needs follow a formation, which all plays into professional growth. This structure involved a “lower level needs” that started with the fundamental continued existence that must be satisfied “before higher level needs guide a person’s behavior.” One of the highest levels is the need for “self-actualization.” (Psychology; pg. 326)

Self-actualization, is the flourishing personal development that necessitate for one to employ personal skills and abilities to attain and maintain professional attitudes. Personally, I can say that one must exercise meditation, yoga, self-talk, and other instinctive techniques to accomplish this level of realization. 

In the workplace, many people have higher levels of needs that commence with basic survival skills. Other people are on the lower need scale. The ones on this scale tend to have inner guides that direct them toward professional growth. We see that these individuals that have higher needs are channeled down the right course while the lower level needs are not. With this in mind, we can see that someone could without problems form predisposed opinions of another, and make obvious their stereotype behaviors that interject a work environment. To some of us, labeling or categorizing others is one of the largest problems we all have to deal with, and shape the way one thinks, which is brought out in the open in their behaviors each day. 

People often develop hostile attitudes when they are not treated justly. With so much competition in the world, as well as the low morale issues, lack of respect, etc, it is hard on all of us, which is why equal fairness should be demonstrated each day. 

We all must develop professional behaviors, thinking, and so on to rebuild skills that were torn away by the entire negative that takes place in our world. We must reform our thinking and behaviors while staying clear of negative people. 

Despite that, these rules exists many employees, employers, and even the law ignores these rules. Mary also tells us “In the work environment, the supervisor, owners, or managers are responsible for motivation. The morale on the job will determine the success, attitude, and dedication of the employees. 

Being positive, honest, and treating employees with respect will create a positive work environment with working and willing employees. Introducing new ideas, teamwork including supervisors participating, rewards and understanding personal and business issues will motivate staff to meet deadlines, be attendance conscious, and adhere to policies and procedures. A motivating supervisor with a positive attitude will gain the respect of the employees and the willingness for their contribution to be complete and concise.” 

You can find more information online. It only takes a few minutes to check out the Internet to find additional information to help you grow. Go Internet today! 

Best Practices in Mentoring

Over the years I have had the honour and opportunity to mentor a number of people, both in my role as a teacher and in my role as a small business advisor. I have thought about what it takes to be a good mentor and here are some ideas.

What is mentoring? Mentoring pertains to the development of rapport involving a more knowledgeable mentor and a less knowledgeable protégé or mentee. A protégé or a mentee is a person who is guided, supported and protected from an experienced mentor. A mentor is the one who boosts the career of a protégé or a mentee.

What is best practice? Best practice is an organizational idea which states that there is a standard activity, process, method, technique, reward or incentive that is more effectual in accomplishing a specific result. The idea is that a desired result is delivered with few or no unexpected complications and/or problems. Best practices is also described as one of the most effective and efficient way in carrying out a task, based on tried and tested procedures.

Therefore, best practices in mentoring involve the development of an equally beneficial correlation that improves the proficient intelligence of the mentor and the protégé or the mentee. A good mentor usually projects expertness, candidness, affability, and communication skills. Enthusiastic protégés or mentees have a tendency to express desire for knowledge, utmost discipline and self-respect.

A Good Mentor

A good mentor is a mentor who (is):

• Listens well and treats the conversation with the mentee as confidential.
• Determines what is important to a mentee and explore their ambitions, propensities and skills.
• Knows the importance of the learning process by creating a candid and open relationship to promote confidence and trust.
• Accepts the fact that in some cases a mentee may need to seek other sources of assistance and help.
• Appropriately trained and has vast knowledge in mentoring.
• Should have a professional approach in mentor-mentee relationship.
• Refrain from mentoring those who are directly reporting to them, no matter how professional the relationship is, this will avoid other colleagues to think that the mentor may influence some matters pertaining to the issues concerning the mentee’s decision and position.

A Good Mentee

A good mentee is a mentee who (is):

• Very enthusiastic to be taught and trained and is liberated to new ideas or concepts.
• A team-player who can interact well with other people.
• A risk taker who is not afraid to go beyond the boundaries of safety and venture into uncertainties to learn.
• Patient enough to realize that an ambition in life cannot be acquired overnight.
• A positive attitude, even in the midst of a crisis.
• Demonstrates inventiveness and resourcefulness in any task assigned.
• Accepts feedback, negative or positive, about behavior and skills, with an intention to improve and learn from it.

When is a Mentor-Mentee Relationship Good?

A good mentor-mentee relationship is not just gauged by the personality of each that they bring into the relationship, more significantly, the occurrence of proper interaction and behavior is needed all throughout the process. What the mentor accomplishes with the mentee, and how eager the mentee responds and receives it, is what matters most in such a relationship.

A good mentor-mentee relationship cultivates and successfully carries out the following:

• Career Roles:

1. A mentor that introduces new opportunities to the mentee, which the latter believes in.
2. A mentor that coaches and sponsors a mentee, which the latter gratefully accepts.
3. A mentor that protects and challenges a mentee, which the latter understands as part of the relationship.

• Psychological Roles:

1. A mentor who is a role-model, which the mentee looks up to.
2. A mentor who counsels, which the mentee receives wholeheartedly.
3. A mentor who befriend a mentee, but is still focus enough to achieve the goals of the relationship.
4. A mentor and a mentee who accept and confirm each others ideas.

Within this representation, a mentor serves as a leader, a teacher that encourages thinking abilities, an advocate of realistic principles, an overseer, and an analyst. A mentee on the other hand is a student who is willing to be taught and is ready to embark on a journey towards an absolute learning experience.

Breaking Habits

If there is one thing that is critical when it comes to getting results in personal growth, it is about breaking patterns.

Most people are beating a dead horse or building castles on a foundation made of sand when they do not recognize self defeating patterns.

For example:

- People getting into bad relationships because they feel lonely and desperate

- People wanting to make more money but doesn't seem to get anywhere 

- People fearful of being assertive because they feel that there's a better alternative 

- People unable to take the next step forward because they find reasons why it will not work

- Even the fear of success is an issue 

What about you? Do you have a self-defeating pattern that you need to break?

If you want to break a pattern, it takes a minimum of 21 days for a good (new) habit to form.

To overcome and break your self defeating habits remember self-image is a conceptual, visual, display of self-esteem. Take stock of those images with which you display yourself: clothes, autos, home, garage, closet, dresser drawers, desks, photos, gardens, and cars. Make it a priority to get rid of the clutter and sharpen the expressions of your life. 

Write a two-page resume of your professional and personal assets. Write it as if you were going to apply for the job of your life. Read this autobiography twice a day. Instead of writing a past resume, write it in the future tense. List your maximum current potential and future potential. Listen to inspirational tapes. Listening sparks the imagination.

In 21 days by using self-instruction cards and visualization, you can take steps to start changing your life. Here is how it works. Write down your goals on index cards. Make them simple, one goal per card. Write them in the first person present tense. Read these cards twice a day for 21 days. Practice visualization as you read the card. 

A Sample Self instruction:
Nobody makes me feel guilty about being successful, if anybody cannot handle my success, tough. I will find new friends that can. I love success, 
I work hard for what I get, so I deserve it all

I guarantee that one of two events will happen. 
1. You will move closer to changing your self defeating habits within 21 days or 
2. You will stop reading the card. 


By following the above steps you will make your movie of your mind come alive for you. You will be that much closer to reaching your goals.

Top 20 Self Help Books of All Time

The following looks at one persons view of the top twenty self help books that they have read, I have read most of the books and found them to be interesting and informative. If you are on a journey of self discovery then take the authors advice and find these books or the books I mentioned a few days ago and read them, internalize their message and then act on the advice as you interpret the author. The author of this article is Matt Morris / The Unemployed Millionaire

After more than a decade as a public speaker, I've been asked hundreds of times for the best self help books that have made the biggest impact in my life.

After having read hundreds of books in my 18 years as an entrepreneur, I have to admit, it was tough narrowing the list of the best self help books of all time down to only 20. I feel self help encompasses spirituality, financial, physical, relationships and many, many more areas of our lives. Needless to say, this best self help books list is by no means the end all, be all. There are no-doubt many others that will add tremendous value to your life.

For each of the best self help books on this list, I give my highest recommendation. With the new year upon us, I encourage you to jump out of your comfort zone and pick several of these to add to your library and read this year.

So here goes…. (drum roll, please)

Top 20 Best Self Help Books of All Time

1. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

The Alchemist is the magical story of Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd boy who wants to travel in search of an extravagant treasure. From his home in Spain he journeys to the markets of Tangiers and across the Egyptian desert to a fateful encounter with the alchemist. The story of the treasures he finds on his journey teaches us about the essential wisdom of listening to our hearts, learning to read the signs along life's path, and, above all, following our dreams.

2. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Covey presents a holistic, integrated, principle-centered approach for solving personal and professional problems. With powerful insights and spot on anecdotes, Covey reveals a pathway for living with fairness, integrity, service, and human dignity–principles that give us the security to adapt to change and the wisdom and power to take advantage of the opportunities that change creates.

3. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Tolle takes readers on an inspiring spiritual journey to find their true and deepest self and reach the ultimate in personal growth and spirituality: the discovery of truth and light. In writing about enlightenment, he introduces you to it's natural enemy, your mind. He goes further by showing readers how to live in the present moment.

4. Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki

Kiyosaki tackles the "financial literacy" that's never addressed in schools. He had two father figures growing up. One who struggled paycheck to paycheck for a lifetime whom he called "poor dad" and the other who was a multimillionaire eighth grade dropout he lovingly calls "rich dad". The concept behind the book is that rich people have money work for them while the poor work for money. This is a must read to change anyone's negative belief system on money or to further your understanding on how money can work for you.

5. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

This is one of the most timeless self help books ever written. Carnegie believed that most successes come from an ability to communicate effectively versus brilliant insights. This book teaches these skills by showing you how to value people and help them feel appreciated rather than manipulated.

6. The Road Less Traveled by M Scott Peck

When a book opens with "Life is difficult", you know it's going to wake you up and provide you with some candid lessons. His timeless voice in The Road Less Traveled continues to help us explore the nature of loving relationships and leads us toward a new peace and fulfillment. You will learn how to distinguish dependency from love; how to become a more sensitive parent; and ultimately how to become one's own true self.

7. Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

Hill was one of the first ever self help authors, and his books are incredibly relevant today. Think and Grow Rich condenses his laws of success and provides you with 13 principles of personal achievement. It is noted that an individual with desire, faith, and persistence can reach great success by eliminating all negative energy and thoughts and focusing at the greater goals in hand.

8. The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz

This self help book is rooted in traditional Toltec wisdom, four agreements in life are essential steps on the path to personal freedom. As beliefs are transformed through keeping these agreements, shamanic teacher don Miguel Ruiz asserts lives will "become filled with grace, peace, and unconditional love."

9. As a Man Thinketh by James Allen

This is considered a classic self-help book that inspired future books on the law of attraction. Its underlying premise is that noble thoughts make a noble person, while lowly thoughts make a miserable person. James Allen reveals how our thoughts determine reality. He shows you how you can master your thoughts to create the life you want instead of simply drifting through life unaware of the inner forces that keep us held in failure and frustration.

10. Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl

This self help book has riveted generations of readers with its descriptions of life in Nazi death camps and its lessons for spiritual survival. Frankl argues that we cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose. He holds that our primary drive in life is not pleasure but the discovery and pursuit of what we find meaningful.

11. See You at the Top by Zig Ziglar

As one of America's most gifted speakers/authors in motivation, the late Zig Ziglar shares the secrets of climbing the stairway to personal success. He presents a proven program of self-development based upon the foundation of a winning self-image.

12. The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield

In the rain forests of Peru, an ancient manuscript was discovered. It includes 9 key insights on life. Drawing on ancient wisdom, it shows you how to make connections among the current events in your life and let's you see what is going to happen to you in the future. This book can help you understand why you are where you are in life and align you with a new optimism for your future.

13. The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

Dr. Peale shows you 10 simple rules to obtain confidence, 3 proven secrets for vigor, 5 techniques to overcome defeat and much, much more. This book proves that an attitude can change lives, win success in all things, and overcome obstacles.

14. The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles

Originally published in 1910, this book takes the mystery out of wealth accumulation and breaks it down into a scientific formula. The text is divided into 17 quick, no nonsense chapters that show you how to oconquer mental barriers, and how creation, not competition, is the true key to attracting wealth.

15. The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

Chopra's teachings are summed up in 7 simple principles which can be applied to all areas of your personal life to create success. Chopra's basic premise is that personal understanding and harmony promote fulfilling relationships and material abundance without extra effort. Each of the chapters provide specifics on how to achieve it.

16. The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz

Millions of people all over the world have improved their lives using this book. Schwartz will help you sell better, lead more effectively, earn more money, and (this is a big one) find more happiness and peace of mind.He proves that you don't need innate talent to achieve massive success but you do need to understand the habit of thinking and behaving in ways that get you there.

17. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers

We've all got fears which is why I love this book! Whatever your fear, here is your chance to push through it once and for all. You'll discover how to move from victim to creator, the 10-step process to turn off the negative talk in your head and how to create more meaning in your life by overcoming those fears.

18. Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins

Tony Robbins is famous for his motivational speaking but this is, by far, one of the best self help books of all time. Robbins shows you his most effective strategies and techniques for mastering your emotions, your body, your relationships, your finances, and your life through a step-by-step program teaching self-mastery that enables you to discover your true purpose, take control of your life and harness the forces that shape your destiny.

19. The Power of Intention by Wayne W. Dyer

This isn't your typical book on intention. Dyer has researched intention as a force in the universe that allows the act of creation to take place. This book explores intention—not as something you do—but as an energy you're a part of. We're all intended here through the invisible power of intention. He's the first in our industry to look at intention as a field of energy that you can access to begin co-creating your life with the power of intention.

20. What to Say When You Talk to Your Self by Dr. Shad Helmstetter

Don't overlook this book because it's #20 on my Top 20 Best Self Help Books of all time list. I've recommended this book to many friends and family members who's lives have been changed dramatically as a result of reading this book. Self doubt? Read this book. In secure about anything? Read this book. I'm sure you get the idea.

Matt Morris is an eight-time bestselling author, including his #1 bestseller, TheUnemployed Millionaire: Escape the Rat Race, Fire Your Boss and Live Life onYOUR Terms!

11 Most Unhelpful Self-Help Books

I am a big believer in the power of the individual to control his/her life. I understand that for many this is difficult to achieve, because of the paradigms they have chosen to believe. I am not a big fan of the idea that there is a law of positive attraction or the idea that that if we give ourselves to the universe we will benefit. I am also not a big believer in the idea that if we stay positive all of the time we will be rewarded. Life is messy but there is help for those who want to become more self aware and more self confidence. I came across this list from a site for college students called TopOnlineColleges.com   which looks at which books are not useful for those who want to gain more confidence and self awareness. I thought the list was interesting. 

There are some things you just shouldn't teach yourself from a book: open-heart surgery, how to kiss, ways to become less shy. Reading up on these skills wouldn't help you learn and would probably just be embarrassing or dangerous. Self-help books make some readers feel like they can learn to do anything, from fixing their cars to changing their lives, and while there might be dozens of books that really provide useful information, many just aren't helpful. Check out what not to buy before you head to the bookstore to improve yourself.

WINNING LOTTO/LOTTERY FOR EVERYDAY PLAYERS BY PROFESSOR JONES

There are several disturbing aspects of this book. First, it's for the type of human who will not only throw away money on lottery tickets, but also shell out cash for a book on how to win the lottery rather than on making money through hard work. Secondly, the author either doesn't provide a first name or his first name is Professor, neither of which makes him seem very credible. The lottery is random and tested for biases with statistical devices. When you see a well-known statistician or mathematician writing about how to win the lottery, then you might be spending your money well.

MORE JOY: AN ADVANCED GUIDE TO SOLO SEX BY HAROLD LITTEN

This read takes the idea of self help a little too far. A sequel to his first book, The Joy of Solo Sex, More Joy is for the advanced practitioner. The author delves into techniques and taboos, but most of us would probably prefer we leave that kind of information to the imagination. If you do end up buying this book, you'd be better off buying it new than used.

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU BY GREG BEHRENDT

This famous book (and the terrible movie that followed) isn't full of the worst advice. Some of it's pretty good — but it also gives you the same solutions that all your friends have been offering you for months. If you're the kind of girl that will go out and buy a self-help book to figure out what a guy is thinking, you're probably the kind of girl who has been fixating on this dude and complaining to your friends about him non-stop for weeks. Instead of wasting your money on the book, just listen to the free advice your friends have been giving you: move on.

THE 4-HOUR WORKWEEK BY TIMOTHY FERRISS

Who wouldn't love to quit working the traditional 40-hours-a-week job while still getting rich and doing whatever they wanted? It sounds too good to be true, and it pretty much is. Most readers admit that the first half of the book is motivational, if not a bit boastful on the part of the author, but after that, Ferriss offers very weak ideas to make your laziest dreams come true. He says you should outsource your responsibilities, like research for work and making appointments, to a virtual assistant abroad and then start your own business. Running a business seems like it would be the opposite of slacking off, doesn't it?

365 WAYS TO LIVE HAPPY BY MEERA LESTER

There's something to be said about choosing to be happy each day and finding ways to keep your daily life upbeat, but unless you're recovering from a brain injury, this book won't reveal anything you don't already know. You'll get some of the same inspirational drivel about following your dreams that you've heard throughout your life, but you'll also read some tips for happiness that make it seem like the author just ran out of ideas. "Avoid exposure to toxic chemicals" and "Call the police when you have witnessed a crime" don't seem like bits of advice that are going to change your outlook on life today.

I USED TO MISS HIM…BUT MY AIM IS IMPROVING BY ALISON JAMES

Most books probably coddle you and build you up after a breakup. "You're better off without him." "You're an independent woman." "He's not worth it." This book, though, seems to communicate something else entirely: "You're better off with him in pain." "You're a stalker." "He's worth the time it takes to put a hex on someone." I Used To Miss Him sincerely presents revenge and voodoo dolls as viable options for healing after a breakup. If you take this kind of advice, you're probably going to experience a lot of breakups in your lifetime.

WHO MOVED MY CHEESE? BY SPENCER JOHNSON

People gobbled this book up when it came out in 1998 and for years after. It's written as a goofy parable about some mice and some Thumbelina-sized people who live in a maze and love cheese. The cheese represents basically anything in life that's important to you, and the message is clear and simple: things change so get used to it. Don't waste your time on a book that can be summed up in a fortune cookie.

HOW TO GET OVER THAT BITCH AND GROW BALLS THEY CAN'T RESIST BY CLARK ANTHONY

The advice in this book from a nine-year veteran male escort will make you believe that if this guy (who calls himself the Game Doctor) can publish a book, you can too. It's complete with a middle-school vocabulary and made-up statistics about the author's expertise and relationships. The idea behind the book is that women are vulnerable to masculinity so a man who learns to tame and control women can have whatever he wants. Anyone who reads this, though, should keep in mind that the Game Doctor gleaned this wisdom as he was being paid to go out with women. Those probably aren't the kind of ladies you're after.

DOGSENSE: 99 RELATIONSHIP TIPS FROM YOUR CANINE COMPANION BY CARLA GENENDER AND AMY HILL

Trust us, guys. When it comes to winning over a woman, you shouldn't take lessons from something that drools all over the place, chews on her shoes, and poops under the bed. Man's best friend definitely has some positive qualities, but every problem in a human relationship can't be solved with fierce loyalty and a belly rub. The photos of the dogs are cute enough, but don't expect this book to change your life.

THE SECRET BY RHONDA BYRNE

Of course everyone wants to be in on a secret, especially when that secret promises to ensure you wealth, health, and whatever your heart desires. The problem with this one is that it's a bunch of New Age mumbo-jumbo — some people really believe in it, while most of the population rolls their eyes. The book is based on the Law of Attraction: positive thoughts attract positive outcomes while negative thoughts attract negative outcomes. The author pushes it as far as to say that poverty and disasters are the results of negativity. Science has proven that staying upbeat has health and life benefits, but it hasn't quite found that guaranteed link between positivity and everything you've ever wanted.

101 WAYS TO TELL YOUR SWEETHEART "I LOVE YOU" BY VICKI LANSKY

There's no shame in wanting to spice things up or remind your loved one why they're special to you. The best way to do this, though, probably isn't through these 101 tips that sound like they were written by a lovesick teenage girl. Some of the ideas are nice romantic gestures, but you can tell the author started to run out of material. For example, one of the suggestions is "Shampoo your loved one's hair. Ummmm. And use a hairbrush to groom long hair." Another: "Write the word love using a 'heart' where the letter O goes. You can also dot your 'i's using a 'heart.'" This works best if you're trying to woo an eighth grader.

Top 10 Old School Self-Help Books

I am a big believer in the power of the individual to control his/her life. I understand that for many this is difficult to achieve, because of the paradigms they have chosen to believe. I am not a big fan of the idea that there is a law of positive attraction or the idea that that if we give ourselves to the universe we will benefit. I am also not a big believer in the idea that if we stay positive all of the time we will be rewarded. Life is messy but there is help for those who want to become more self aware and more self confidence. The following list is from a newsletter I receive from Mind Power and was first published by  By Mitch Horowitz  in Time Magazine

While too esoteric to gain mass appeal, these books are a treasure of serviceable advice

The self-help industry today generates literally thousands of books, seminars, and audio programs, on which Americans spend more than $11 billion yearly.

Most self-help programs are based in "positive thinking" – the principle that your thoughts shape your destiny. This message grew out of mental-healing and Transcendentalist tracts of the mid-nineteenth century, and attained mass appeal in works such as Norman Vincent Peale's 1952 The Power of the Positive Thinking.

Critics generally view positive thinking as namby-pamby nonsense. But the philosophy has produced ideas that are deeply useful, even profound. You probably believe some of them already. This list considers the most compelling and overlooked expressions of this practical philosophy. While many of these books proved too esoteric in tone to attain the mass appeal of Dale Carnegie and Joel Osteen, they are a treasure of serviceable ideas and are all still available today.

1. The Strangest Secret by Earl Nightingale (1956)

The radio presenter and entrepreneur Nightingale possessed an unfailingly dignified and measured manner, which he used in this recorded lecture to distill the positive-thinking philosophy into a neat 30-minute capsule. He emphasized nonconformity and self-education. The Strangest Secret became the first spoken-word record to go gold, and helped launch the fields of business motivation and audio publishing.

2. The Power of Your Super Mind by Vernon Howard (1967)

While not a positive-thinking book in any strict sense, Howard saw the aware mind as providing a channel for awakening men and women to a higher power and purpose. The practical philosopher called for eschewing worldly ambition in favor of living by an inner knowing available to all people. Howard was one of the most compelling and unclassifiable voices to emerge from the American metaphysical scene.

3. Self Mastery through Conscious Autosuggestion by Emile Coué (1922)

A French hypnotherapist, Coué was the target of endless mockery for prescribing anxious modern people with a simple daily affirmation: "Day by day, in every way, I am getting better and better." What critics missed, and what is on display in this finely reasoned and sprightly book, is that the self-taught healer and therapist possessed a keen understanding of the subconscious mind and the mechanisms by which his seemingly simplistic mantra (and other affirmations) could be used to bypass our self-limiting personal conceptions. Coué's work ran deeper than is commonly understood and warrants rediscovery.

4. It Works by R.H.J. (1926)

In twenty-eight gloriously succinct pages, the author — whose initials stood for Roy Herbert Jarrett, a Chicago salesman and ad man — distills the positive-thinking enterprise into a (deceptively) simple exercise of itemizing your desires in a list. If approached with maturity, Jarrett's exercise amounts to a personal inventory-taking and a meaningful assessment of one's true aims. Jarrett produced just one additional book, The Meaning of the Mark (1931), which extrapolates on the methods and ideas behind his shorter pamphlet.

5. The Power of Awareness by Neville (1952)

Neville Goddard (who used only his first name) was an extraordinarily original metaphysical thinker who, from the late 1930s until his death in 1972, argued elegantly for one radical concept: the human mind is God. Our mental and emotive images, Neville maintained, literally create the surrounding world we experience. While Neville is the kind of figure that serious people immediately want to dismiss or argue with, the West Indies-born author wrote with remarkable vigor and persuasiveness. Neville may be the positive-thinking movement's most radical and subtly influential voice.

6. The Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes (1937, revised edition)

The first forty pages or so of this voluminous work laid out the mind-over-matter philosophy of California mystic Ernest Holmes, which became a major influence on New Age spirituality. Holmes was a broad thinker and his work reflects a wide variety of influences, from Emerson to Christian Science founder Mary Baker Eddy. Holmes never became widely known but influenced many who did, such as Norman Vincent Peale. His books could be found in the libraries of George Lucas, Elvis Presley, and scholar of myth Joseph Campbell.

7. The Mental Cure by Warren Felt Evans (1869)

This pioneering work written by a Swedenborgian minister and early experimenter into the healing properties of the mind (he worked with the influential mental healer Phineas Quimby) helped lay the groundwork of affirmative-thought philosophy. While it is little read today, the book possesses a surprisingly modern tone. Evans gave early expression of the essentials of positive thought, including the use of affirmations, visualizations, and healing prayer. He was probably the first figure to use the term "New Age" in its current spiritual-therapeutic sense.

8. The Edinburgh Lectures on Mental Science by Thomas Troward (1909 revised edition)

Troward, a British judge, attempted to work out a persuasive and sturdy philosophical proof for the causative powers of the mind. In my view, he does not succeed (he leaves too many internal contradictions and dangling questions); but his effort represents one of the few truly ambitious attempts to create a structural reasoning behind the use of positive thinking. Troward was a major influence on Ernest Holmes.

9. The Kybalion by Three Initiates (1908)

Pseudonymously written by Chicago lawyer and publisher William Walker Atkinson, this work somewhat histrionically presents itself as a record of lost Hermetic wisdom. Nonetheless, it does locate some legitimate and poignant correspondences between modern positive thinking and ancient Hermetic philosophy. The chapters on "polarity" and "rhythm" offer a compelling spiritual psychology. Strange-but-true fact: This underground classic was beloved by actor Sherman Hemsley, aka "George Jefferson."

10. How to Attract Good Luck by A.H.Z. Carr (1952)

A diplomat, journalist, and economist, Carr was the furthest thing that one could imagine from a starry-eyed spiritual dreamer or a promulgator of superstition. Carr eschewed all forms of ponderous or magical language — yet he also believed in a clear and concrete set of methods for attracting and building upon the fortuitous chance occurrences that crisscross our daily lives. He was an ardent believer that good ethics bring "good luck."

Can you say No with confidence?

You know those times when you feel pressured into doing something for a friend? Maybe it's to rearrange your schedule, or maybe it's giving up your weekend to help them 

The pressure from these kinds of situations can be pretty intense. You don't want to lose the friend, you believe that you don't want to piss them off. 

So you "cave" and put yourself out because of the fear. 

Some could call this extreme sacrifice right? That's just your willingness to go "above and beyond" and do what's best for others.  

I don't think serving someone is supposed to make you feel the way this does. This is a feeling of obligation fueled by the fear of a huge stick of losing your friend. You feel that you "have" to do it or... 

This is a fake choice. This is something setup by your mind and your programming. Those two things trick you into believing you're stuck in a no win situation where the only way out is to suffer and help your friend and not be true to what you want or need to do for yourself. 

Have you ever said "NO" to someone with confidence? You know what happens when you deliver that word and it's clear that you mean it? 

What happens is that they accept it. 

What happens after that is that they often develop a greater level of respect for you than they have for all of the "Yes" men and women around them. But it really doesn't matter. Because if you're looking for respect from someone OTHER than yourself, then you've already lost. You don't need that. You can't need that.

If you do not need, then you cannot lose. And if you cannot lose, then you'll start to see some of the fake choices I mention above for what they really are... only a symptom of your fear. 

Do you really need that? Aren't you already carrying around enough crap? How about you drop this piece of baggage and move on to something that will actually help you have a better life? 

Today seems like a great day to start. 

Prep for Success in your mind

Do you have a personal mission statement, many successful people do. When I was teaching students in my class I would have them complete two important exercises. The first was to create a bucket list of 100 places and things they would like to do before they died. The second exercise was to complete a personal values or mission statement. Many of us have forgotten that we control our own destinies for the most part and what allows us to reach forward is the values and mission we hold important in life.  What is the best way to write your mission statement? It is to always write in the present tense, as though you have already become the person that you have described. It is always positive rather than negative. And it is always personal.

Your subconscious mind can only accept your mission statement as a set of commands when you phrase it in the present, positive and personal tenses. "I am an exceptional person," is a perfect example.  You should quickly reread your mission statement and ask yourself if your recent behaviour was more like the person you want to be, or less? 

As a top performer, you are always comparing your activities against a high standard and adjusting your activities upward. You're continually striving to be better. Every day in every way, you are deliberately working to become more like the ideal person you have envisioned.

Your goal is that, a year from today, when one of your friends has lunch with you and you ask them to describe you in detail as a person, your friend will recite your personal mission statement voluntarily. 

Once you have developed a mission statement, you can read it, review it, edit it, and upgrade it regularly. You can add additional qualities to it and more clearly define the qualities you've already listed. It becomes your personal credo, your philosophy of life, your statement of beliefs and a guide to your behaviour in all your interactions with others. Each day, you can evaluate your behaviours and compare them against the standard that you have set in this statement.

Over time, a remarkable thing will happen. As you read and review your personal mission statement, you will find yourself, almost unconsciously, shaping your words and conforming your behaviours so that you are more and more like the ideal person you have defined. People will notice the change in you almost immediately. Over time, you will find that you are actually creating within yourself the kind of character and personality that you most admire in others. You will have become the molder and the shaper of your own personal destiny. 

How do you start on this journey, firs, talk to yourself positively all the time. Feed your mind with positive messages that describe your goals and the person you want to be.

What I believe I will achieve

We are limited in our success by our thoughts we can achieve exactly what we believe we're capable of achieving. Our beliefs can guide our destinies towards success or toward failure, for only we control our thoughts, However, we are also influenced by the thoughts and actions of others, without realizing we are.

Controlled experiments over many years have proved that children who are considered by their teachers, friends and families to be 'troublesome or terrors' actually end up getting into trouble with a high percentage becoming juvenile delinquents. However, the 'good' group of boys (in the same age group at the beginning of a study) believed by teachers, friends and families to stay out of trouble and succeed in school, go on to do so. Each group of children achieve in accordance with what people around them believe them capable of doing. These children and adults have lived up to the expectation of those around them. This is unfortunate because rather than having a belief in themselves, these people have given into the idea that others shape their destiny and do not take responsibility for their own thoughts and actions.

The conclusion of many similar studies is this: thinking does make it so when we allow ourselves to be influenced by the beliefs of others.  We know you can break the influence of others, but it requires hard work, a belief in your self. Here are some ideas on how to start to break the bonds of others.

1. Hold positive chats with yourself.
2. Surround yourself with positive people.
3. Think, 'I'm going to succeed'.
4. Think, 'I'm a winner'.

The only person you will have to convince is yourself. Other people are automatically convinced you're great and a success, after you have convinced yourself

The Only Thing That Really Matters

Written by Alex Green and posted Oct 2009

Why do some folks look back on their lives and say they wouldn't change much? Or anything?

Is there a formula? Some mix of love, work, habits, or attitudes that offers the best chance of a well-lived life?

Researchers at Harvard have been examining this question for 72 years by following 268 men who entered college in the late 1930s.

Their discoveries might surprise you.

Just listen to Dr. George Vaillant. Since 1967, the Harvard Medical School professor has dedicated his career to the "Grant Study." (It was named after its patron, the department-store magnate W.T. Grant.)

Vaillant's specialty is the comprehensive study of a small number of people over a long period of time.

His subjects were never a representative sample of society. They were all young men from relatively privileged backgrounds.

Yet Vaillant's findings offer profound insights into the human condition. They have universal applications. And they illuminate the one factor that correlates most highly with a positive life assessment in old age.

So let's take a closer look...

From the beginning, the Grant Study was meant to be exhaustive. The researchers assembled a team that included medical doctors, physiologists, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and anthropologists.

Participants were monitored, interviewed, and studied from every conceivable angle. That included their eating and drinking habits, exercise, mental and physical health, career changes, and financial successes and setbacks.

They were subjected to general aptitude tests and personality inventories, and were required to provide regular documentation.

Many of the men achieved dramatic success. Some became captains of industry. One was a bestselling author. Four ran for the U.S. Senate. One served in a presidential cabinet. And one -- JFK (we now know) -- was president. (His files have been sealed until 2040.)

Some of the subjects were disappointments, too. Case number 47, for example, literally fell down drunk and died. (Not quite what the study had in mind.)

Most of the participants remain anonymous. (Although a few, like Ben Bradlee, the long-time editor of The Washington Post, have identified themselves.)

Over the last four decades, the lives of the Grant men were Vaillant's personal and professional obsession. In his book Adaptation to Life, he writes, "Their lives were too human for science, too beautiful for numbers, too sad for diagnosis, and too immortal for bound journals."

Yet more than 70 years of data and enabled Vaillant to reach some broad conclusions.

He found seven major factors that predict healthy aging, both physically and psychologically: education, stable marriage, healthy weight, some exercise, not smoking, not abusing alcohol, and "employing mature adaptations." (Vaillant believes social skills and coping methods are crucial in determining overall satisfaction.)

However, his most important finding was revealed in a 2008 interview. He was asked, "What have you learned from the Grant Study men?"

Vaillant's response: "That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people."

The Grant Study confirms what the wisest have always known. That a successful life is not about the grim determination to get or have more. Nor is it about low cholesterol levels or intellectual brilliance or career accomplishments.

It's about human connections: parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends, neighbors, and mentors.

Without them, life quickly loses its flavor, whatever material successes we enjoy.

Look back at your life. You'll almost certainly find that the most significant moments were births, deaths, weddings, and celebrations.

Your most profound moments? When you touched others. Or they touched you.

In times of suffering -- loss, sickness, death -- it is not prescriptions, formulas, or advice we seek. It is the healing presence of another.

When we forget this -- when we think only of ourselves -- we choke the source of our development.

Real meaning comes from taking care of those you love, letting them know how you feel.

Fortunately, we have countless opportunities to give a bit of ourselves each day through a thoughtful act, a word of appreciation, or a sense of understanding.

As Dr. Vaillant concludes, true success "is more about us than me."

Self-improvement is indeed one type of work that is worth it

Self-improvement is indeed one type of work that is worth it. It shouldn't always be within the confines of an office building, or maybe in the four corners of your own room. The difference lies within ourselves and how much we want to change for the better.

I’d like to share with you some 10 of my favorite quotes on improving yourself. Hope you find them useful!

 10 Inspirational Self-Improvement Quotes

1. "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." It sounds good to me, I mean the practicality of all things does involve money but it doesn't have to take an arm and a leg to get it.
2. "I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government." 'Enough said.
3. "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" This happens to be one of the classic ones. I mean the issue about life's little problems isn't all that bad, until 'he' shows up. Sure, relationships can get complicated, or does have its complications that probably any author about relationships is bound to discover it soon. We follow what our heart desires, unless you're talking about the heart as in the heart that pump blood throughout your body.
4. "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions." And if you want more, just keep on asking!
5. "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'." It sounds, 'practical', I think. And when it comes to everyday life, he really knows how to make the best out of every possible scenario, and it doesn't involve a lawsuit if he strikes a nerve.

How To Communicate Better Body Language Secrets

Is one of your goals to be more confident this year, here are some ideas to help. Knowing how to improve communication skills will come easier once you become aware of your own communication style. Each person has a unique way of communicating. Listen to your own speech. What sorts of words do you use? Which sort of body language and what tone of voice are you using?

Now, think of someone who, in your opinion, is a good communicator. Compare your style to theirs. You’ve just taken an important first step in how to improve communication skills.

Since the 1970’s, learning how to communicate better has had a lot to do with understanding body language.

Julius Fast wrote a book entitled, Body Language in 1970. He talked about a new science called Kinesics. It opened the way to more studies and books on the subjects. Today, the term Body Language is very common and understood as an important element of communication.

In fact, experts in the field of communication suggest that there is a rule that says that 7% of the meaning of what a person is saying comes from their words.

Interestingly, 38% is based on the tone of their voice. 55% of the meaning comes from the body language of the person that is speaking. This rule comes from research that was published in the late 1960’s.

Some now think that the percentages from this research might be slightly different. Nevertheless, the bottom line is still the same. If you don’t know the basics of body language, you are missing a valuable tool for learning how to communicate better. We speak body language on a subliminal level, without actually realizing that we are communicating through body talk.

1. Face
The most expressive part of your body is your face. When you enter a room if you feel nervous, your expression might make you look aloof or unfriendly. Smiling at the room is a sure-fire way to remove anyone’s doubts about your approachability. Smiling makes us look warm, open and confident.

2. Eyes
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. They certainly give people clues about what we are feeling.
A direct gaze towards someone can show interest- direct staring on the other hand can mean an intense dislike. Very little eye contact can show that you are shy.

3. Hands
Have you ever watched someone’s hand gestures when they are talking? Open hand gestures tend to make a person appear open and honest. Bringing hands together to a point can accent the point you are making.
Wringing your hands or excessively moving your fingers and hands will give away nervousness. It can even make someone look dishonest- are they trying to hide something?

4. Posture
If you lean towards someone you are showing an interest in that person. If we are feeling low in confidence, we tend to slouch our shoulders and look down.Men and women use different body language. For instance, women will stand close to each other, hold eye contact with the person they are talking to and use gestures.
Men make little effort to maintain eye contact and don’t rely on the use of gestures to communicate. Men and women can learn how to communicate better by observing the differences in their use of body language.


Now that you are aware of your own style, study the style of those around you. How do the most important people in your life converse? How do they say things? Look for approaches you can model and make your own.

Adjust to the other styles of communication. Don’t think it is too late to change your way of conversing because it’s been years. You had to learn to communicate in the first place and you can unlearn certain behaviors or change them. Sometimes we get stuck in a communication rut.

A father once was having a hard time with his teenaged daughter. She was growing and he thought she didn’t tell him what was going on in her life. They were in a heated discussion when he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Her answer was that she had, but he was too busy lecturing her to hear her. He learned that adjusting his style to his daughter would involve listening first before jumping right into solving the problem.

To build rapport, during a conversation try and match the other person’s movements, posture and verbal style. Don’t do everything they do, but mirror one or two things. For example, if the person gives mostly short answers to questions, you follow suit.

Or, maybe they talk at a slower pace than you usually do-slow your speaking speed to match theirs. This may sound simplistic but it is a very potent way to make someone feel very relaxed and comfortable in your presence.

The way you communicate at home may not be the same as in a different environment. Make sure you change your style to suit the different setting. Some comments you might want to tell your best friend, in private.

Other things can be shared in a group setting. Learn how to improve communication skills by altering your style for the appropriate setting. Many of us know someone who offers far too much information in a group setting.

Don’t criticize others for communicating differently. If we all communicated in the same way, we’d soon be bored with each other. Getting a good grasp of your communication style and finding ways to accommodate other peoples’ styles, is a good way to improve your communication skills.