Bloody Puns

February in the heart of winter can make one sad and dissolute, so here are some bloody puns to raise your spirits.

You know what really makes my blood boil? The vacuum of space.

I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck. Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!

Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection? Dad: Their effort goes in vein.

What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect? Mesquite-o.

A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"

Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.

Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin? You just have to listen varicosely.

What do doctors use to draw blood? A needle? No, a red crayon!

My doctor forgot to document my blood type. It was a typo.

I took a blood test today It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!

Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type. At least he told us to be positive.

What does goblin's blood consist of? A hemogoblin

What do you say when two red blood cells get married? Coagulations!

What did the patient say after that gave blood? I feel drained.

So, my blood test came back positive. Turns out I’m full of the stuff.

What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other? We're all in vain.

What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power? A Megalovieniac.

Donating blood can be A-positive experience But sometimes it can B-negative.

I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood I'm type Ohp!-ositive

What do you call a glass of pig’s blood? Swine.

Why are blood physicians so rich? Because blood cells.

Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin? It wanted to be a Roman-tic

What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?

A chupacabro.

My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood. He has a nervous tick.

What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite? A lunatick!

What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others? Vlad the Impala. I went to the Red Cross to donate blood. They threw me out and said, "We don't want your type here!"

I was terrified by the results of my blood test But, my doctor just said B positive.

What blood type does a pessimist have? B Negative

My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland He said, "I am finnished."

My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"

Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of father

The 23rd Psalm (revisited)

My thanks to Mary Dawn for this

The Lord is my Server; I shall not crash. God makes me to reboot

in clear transmissions. God leads me to abundant bytes. God restores

my programs. God leads me in the world wide web towards righteousness.

Yea, though I walk through an internet of malware I will fear no virus,

for You are with me. Your antivirus and Your firewall, they comfort me.

You prepare a place before me in the presence of hackers. You anoint my

uploads with oil; my cup is filled to overflowing with positive downloads.

Surely, windows and macintosh shall allow me good days of life, and I will

dwell in the computer of the Lord forever, Amen.

Golf Humour

 Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. 

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,

And Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,

If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs 

And losers of balls!

A recent study found that the average golfer 

Walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on 

Average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, golfers get about 

41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you 

Feel like a hybrid. . .

Thanks to Doug for this

Abbott and Costello in the 21st Century

Thanks to  Derwyn and Abby for this post

You'll enjoy this if you remember "Who's on First?"

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello , and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. 

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou .

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT: What about Windows? 

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something ?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? 

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

 

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

wearing a only black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

 

The mistress:

 

Then I had to share my story:

        (you are going to love this…..)            

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"What's for dinner, Zorro

My thanks to Patty for this gem

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When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

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Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we a most exciting night.

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Listening skills

I love this, thanks to Calvin and Rob for this.

 A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as  she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

 Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."  

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,  "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 

20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for  dinner?"

Again  he gets no response..

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's  for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"   (I just love this)

"Peter, for the FIFTH time,  CHICKEN!!" 

 I am starting to loose my hearing and one day will need a hearing aid, so having a sense of humor about life is important.

For All you Pun Lovers

My thanks Doug for the following:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

22. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A partial response to thoughts on middle aged sex appeal by Lance Mannion

I read this blog the other day and I laughed as the humour speaks to me and probably many other men, thank you Mr. Mannion for an enjoyable read on a gray cloudy day. You can find the blog at this Lance Mannion

But for now, there’s also the problem of that hormone drop which has the effect of making women of a certain ageless interested in sex (at least for a certain key number of years) and one of the things that makes a person interested in having sex with another person is that person’s interest in having sex.



But the same thing does happen to men. That certain age does arrive, and sooner than the men themselves know.

I agree, as a boomer, I am sure that I did not start to understand myself until I was well passed my prime and I also don't think men are ready to admit to this at any age. I think the Mac Davis song Hard to be Humble says a lot about where some men think they want to rate.

Sooner than they are ready to admit, at any rate.

Actually, I think a lot of women admit to it too soon, that they underestimate the allure of a good figure, a youthful attitude, and a sparkling personality, but that’s another post, and probably one I don’t have the courage to write, but back to men.
Lance, you are, I think partially right, in that both men and women, do underestimate the allures you mention, but as a boomer, I think our definitions of what makes a good figure has changed as has my definitions of youthful attitude and sparkling personality. My "maturity" may come into play, or maybe just my failing eyesight.

A trouble people have adjusting to getting older is that bodies don’t age all of a piece. The parts of us that make us desirable age faster than the parts of us that make us desire.  Our spirits and personalities do age and they age in response to the aging of our bodies, and you would think that a man who knows he can’t vault parking meters anymore would know he can’t do other things either. But as other parts of our psyches decline, one thing seems to grow stronger. Our vanity.

Many of us have heard the quote "Vanity, thy name is woman" and attribute it to William Shakespeare. What he actually wrote was: “Frailty, thy name is woman”, which Hamlet said about the marriage of his mother, Queen Gertrude, to her husband’s brother Claudius only a month after the King had passed away. Over the years the quote changed to the quote we hear today. Maybe it was probably created by some editor trying to think of a good title, a pun really, for his piece on why women are obsessed with looking young.

That certain age arrives. The hormone levels drop. The bald spot expands, the wrinkles deepen, the jeans start hanging slack in the rear. And Vanity says, Nah!

Vanity says It’s not happening or if it is it doesn’t matter or if it does matter, it matters generally, but not to a stud like you.


Vanity says, And anyway, you deserve one last chance.


And vanity isn’t always talking about sex.


I agree that this isn’t just an issue women face. Men are equally as temperamental about their body image and will seek unusual and even extreme methods. Today men are just as likely to get plastic surgery as women. The field of employable men grows as new members are entering the job market at younger ages and the older members are staying on the market longer. It isn’t unusual for men to get liposuction, eye and chin lifts, and hair implants. All this for the appearance of youth. All this for the ability to say, “I have the experience and I look fit enough to use it.” Beyond the superficial though, men are also want to be perceived as sexually whole and functional.


It’s just that in this case that’s what I’m talking about.


Vanity conquers some men right way and with obvious sad results. They buy the convertible. They do the comb-over or the equivalent, applying Rograine, shaving the whole head, buying the rug, or going in for plugs. They start thinking that biochemically induced four hour erections are what nature intended.


They might as well wear signs. “I Am One of Those Middle-Aged Men.”
In my 40's and 50's I watched as many of my friends went through this stage, I was amazed at the number of ways that my colleagues could make fools of themselves, what surprised me is that the women in their lives never told them.


But for other men, Vanity lies in wait. It sits back, reading a newspaper or surfing the web, patiently, knowing that the moment of weakness will come when the man in question, whom Vanity has been indulging with the foolish idea that he will never be one of those middle-aged men is suddenly shaken by the realization that he misses going to the beach with Cameron Diaz lookalikes and that an older, dumpier, grayer, dweebier man like Mark Souder has been enjoying the company of a cute Hoosier hausfrau who looks good in, and probably out of, her Christmas sweaters. And when that moment arrives Vanity puts aside its paper, sets down its iPad, steps up and throws a friendly arm around the poor, disappointed, and self-loathing man’s slumping shoulders and says, Why not you too?


The issue here, then, Nance, and now I’m addressing you as a pal and not just as a rhetorical device, isn’t whether or not I’d give in to temptation and why I’d be such an old fool.


I don’t know.
The issue is that I want to know.


One way or the other.

I want the temptation.



More humiliating to admit. I still expect the temptation.
The disappointing point is that I failed in my resolve.
I am one of those middle-aged men.

But the good news is that you will outgrow this wish and realize that there is a  rich tapestry of life that surrounds you and keeps you young without being foolish. Maintain your sense of humour, laugh, and enjoy the freedom that being young means and you will never one of those middle aged men, you will be one of those middle aged boomers who is well on the way to becoming a boomer not a senior.