Men Are Just Happier People!

 So, this is for all the women who have a sense of humor and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Men Are Just Happier People!

·        What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.

·        The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

·        Chocolate is just another snack.

·        You can never be pregnant.

·        You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

·        Car mechanics tell you the truth.

·        The world is your urinal.

·        You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.

·        You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 

·        Wrinkles add character.

·        Wedding dress - $5,000. Wedding suit rental - $100.

·        People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

·        New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

·        One mood all the time.

·        Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

·        You know stuff about tanks.

·        A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

·        You can open all your own jars.

·        You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

·        If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

·        Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

·        Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.

·        You almost never have strap problems in public.

·        You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

·        Everything on your face stays its original color.

·        The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

·        You only have to shave your face and neck.

·        You can play with toys all your life.

·        One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.

·        You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

·        You can 'do' your nails with a pocket-knife.

·        You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

·        You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAMES

·        If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.

·        If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.

EATING OUT

·        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

·        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators or smart phones.

MONEY

·        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

·        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

·        A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

·        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.    A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

·        A woman has the last word in any argument.

·        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

·        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

·        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

·        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

·        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

·        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

·        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

·        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

·        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

·        Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

·        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

·        A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

XXX English is a funny language, wouldn't you say?

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 

3. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 

4. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 

5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live. 

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 

8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 

10. Is there another word for synonym? 

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

17. Can vegans eat animal crackers? 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines? 

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those road signs? 

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? 

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 

25. How is it possible to have a civil war? 

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it? 

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Buracracy lives forever

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Don't know if this story is true but it is a fun read.

Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads. Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used. So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing. Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England. You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So, who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And what about the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So, the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? 

A cautionary tale

 Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 calibre Ruger Pistol.

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. She acted bravely and without thought, to the dangerous situation she was in at the time. Many of us in Canada would not have reacted with the courage and the foresight this woman had. Read to the end to see why this event was an important life-changing event for her.

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator that suddenly emerged from the murky water.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

I and my husband that the “gator must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. We were surprised by the ferocity with which the alligator came for us. We were very frightened.

"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.

The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”

High school reunion

 As I age sometimes my old students will be in touch. I started teaching over 47 years ago so many of my first students have aged and many are in their early 60’s and many are retiring, which only reinforces my sometimes feeling older. I find it interesting that to me, once a person hits 60 it is difficult to tell how old they might be, they could be 60 or 70 or 75 or even in their 80‘s. This story about how we look or think we look as we age is funny, enjoy.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at some-one about your own age and thinking, ‘Surely I can't look that old?" You'll love this one.

My name is Alice Smith, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was ‘way

too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes. Yes, I did. I am a Mustang,” he beamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He “answered, “In 1965. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald wrinkled, fat,

gray, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, “What did you teach?”

Holidays with the grandparents

 RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent" friends and give them a laugh too

Great words of wisdom.

Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Winston Churchill

"When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading."

Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,

we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry

Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.! W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.