more humour, for a Saturday

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS:

Snowblower for sale... Only used on snowy days.

Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15

Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby

Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb.

Nice parachute: never opened - used once

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.

Open house: body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts

Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss.

Groooaaannn.......

A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.

  

 The following are some classically written excuses given to teachers in a public school system:

"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She was in bed with

gramps."

"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."

"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face."

"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."

"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over."

"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night."

"Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating."

"George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."

"Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout."

"Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals."

This is sad but true............

If you speak three languages, you're trilingual.

If you speak two languages, you're bilingual.

If you speak one language, you're American

Friday, time for some humour

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The manager of the ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Cathy, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm

afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Cathy. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Cathy's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?"

she asked.

Cathy nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did...' Fantastic.' "

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing.

My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of

other merchandise.

It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Cathy," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Cathy shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit?”

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

  

I think you'll find a big difference between people who pray in church and those  people who pray in casinos...because the ones praying in the casinos are

very serious.

Do you want to know?

Do you want to know what's really beautiful? Confidence.

Do you want to know what's really powerful? Persistence.

Do you want to know what's really sexy? (Please, I know about sexy.) Not needing to be needed.

And if still "they" don't notice your good looks, your strength, and your sashay...could you feel sorrier for them?

More thoughts on chance meetings

As I left the discussion was on how to affect change in our selves or in our society, and the answers were mixed and confusing. 

So, I wandered back and said, "Okay, here's the skinny. The answer to your question. The way, the light, the door. The most overlooked truth in reality. And the one that requires the most "uncommon sense" to fully grasp.

When it comes to effecting change (big or little, but especially big), manifesting the life of your dreams, or getting that perfect parking space, "thinking" is immeasurably more valuable when used to imagine what you want – the end result - than to figure out how you're going to get it."

As I left the group people looked at me and thought I must be getting senile, but I smiled and watched as they all began to schlep through the big parking lot looking for their cars.