Slovenia

A friend of mine will be travelling to Slovenia in the fall (mid October, to first week in November) with her adult son and I thought I would ask if anyone has any recommendations about where to stay, what to do and what are the must not miss activity or places in Slovenia.
Thanks

New or old life?

As we wandered around the golf course, talking about life, one of my friends started talking about coping with life after the death of a spouse.  Most of my friends have been in long term relationships (over 40 plus years) with their partners and as we age the loss of a life partner is a serious issue for us.  My friends realized that I had to consider this possibility when my wife was    sick few years ago, and were thus interested in my views on the topic.

One friend said," I don't know what I would do." 

"After the mourning you would have a new life", one of my other friends suggested

 "I don't, know if I would because I would still have my old life"  he replied. As we continued to  play golf, we talked about the issue of trying to reconnect to our old selves.

Our golf course wisdom after about 9 holes,  was that after 40 plus years in a relationship a person really were not sure who they really are or want to be because for most of their life, they have been in a partnership and as such the person did not look at life as an individual might. That sense of unease of being uncoupled and the sense of loss would unsettle the journey to find one's self. 

One of my friends went on, "I would still have the same people who depend on me, I would still have the same issues at work, My own personal demons would still be there, but now I would have to fight them on my own. How would I know it is time to move on, sell my home and move on and start a new relationship." 

We were not able to answer that question but as friends we just listened, pretended to think and tried to look wise, and soon the conversation drifted back to the latest shot and how beautiful the day was--(my friends and I look at life's serious issues, but only for very short periods of time,as I think do most men of my age :-). 

The conversation got me thinking about change and renewal after the loss of a spouse. Change is hard and coping with life after the loss of a loved one of many years is not easy. After 30 to 40 years in a relationship, how does one start the process of reconnecting with yourself as a single?  For those of us  in long term relationships we have for 30 years or more have not considered ourselves as a separate entity, our life has been intertwined with another.

Joan P. Hubbard, is the author of The Grieving Self and she believes that those who can reconnect and reconstruct their independent self after severe loss will experience emotional healing more quickly and begin a new path toward a viable life. In her forward Hubbard writes, “Grief is a journey most of us are destined to take. We will experience grief at a loss of our physical parts or the abilities of our bodies to perform, the loss of important relationships (family and friends) through death or attrition, loss of jobs and opportunities…loss of some aspect of what we know to be our self.”

The Grieving Process consists of five steps:
1) Denial
This first step is when we try to deny the death of our loved one, or in this case, our spouse.
2) Anger
You'll probably be angry at your spouse for dying and leaving you. Or, you'll be mad at "the world" because it happened.
3) Bargaining
Bargaining usually is tried with God, or another spiritual being. You may ask what you can do to reverse the loss of your husband or wife.
4) Depression or Sadness
This step of the Grieving Process is self-explanatory. Besides feeling depressed or sad, you may still feel angry.
5) Acceptance
When you've reached this level, you will have accepted the fact that your spouse has died. The feelings of anger and sadness that you've had have begun to ease up.

Here's a tip to help you decide when you are ready to move on, after your spouse dies: if you don't complete these five steps first, you won't be ready. Easy to say, tough to remember if you are in mourning.

You can't start reconnecting to yourself and begin a new life while you're still grieving for your late spouse. Mourning will interfere with beginning any healthy, happy relationships. Mourning is not measured in time, nor is it a sequential journey. Once the mourning has finished then the work or reconnecting can begin. Part of the process of finding a new life, is the discarding of the old, very hard to let go for most. 

Friends are important in the process and true friends will allow for the trial and error that happens as we try to see where we now fit. As we move toward finding out who we now are, we may go through some interesting and (to our friends) strange journeys. I believe that in this journey we will make mistakes, but the journey, the mistakes, are needed to find our balance. 

Importance of Friendship

This is a follow-up on an earlier post on the value and importance of having good friends

Good friends contribute to your health and well-being. By Madeline Vann, MPH Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

Friends and Well-Being

A number of studies have highlighted the importance of friends and good relationships to health, Here are some of the findings:

Studies show that socially engaged adults’ age more successfully than adults who are not as socially engaged. According to surveys of women over age 60, those who are socially engaged and visit with friends and family throughout the week are happier as they age.

Friends can help you achieve your weight and fitness goals. Encouragement and just sharing goes a long way to boosting your willpower. Happiness is catching. If you have a friend you consider to be happy, you are more likely to be happy and you are able to spread that happiness to the people around you.

A study of 4,739 adults who participated in the Framingham Heart Study between 1983 and 2003 showed that people tend to cluster into happy or unhappy groups, and happiness appears to spread not just to those immediately inside the social group, but to their contacts as well. Having happy friends who live less than a mile away was an especially powerful predictor of happiness. Building a circle of friends makes you happy. People who see themselves as a leader in their social circle are happier than those who see themselves as outsiders — another reason why actively building relationships instead of waiting for the phone to ring is important.

Friends lessen grief. A series of interviews with parents who lost a baby during pregnancy or immediately after birth showed that those who felt they were receiving social support from friends or family were better able to cope with their grief. The most welcome forms of support were simply being physically present, listening, and offering sympathy, encouragement, and practical help, such as making meals or funeral arrangements. In contrast, feeling socially alone tends to worsen grief.

Being social boosts your immune system. Being socially engaged leads to more positive emotions, which in turn may actually boost your body’s immune system and reduce the physical signs of stress, say health experts. The Friends You Choose Make a Difference

While it is possible for one happy person to spread happiness to their friends, the reverse is also true — a mildly or chronically depressed friend can bring you down as well. It helps to have a diverse group of friends to lessen this impact.

It's also important to be a good friend yourself, providing others with as many of the benefits of friendship (infectious happiness, social support, someone to confide in, food in times of crisis) as you can. It feels good to help others, and that only adds to your own happiness.

Choosing Your Friend

This is from a post by  Patrick Mathieu  whose work I admire and read.

(Today, I want to ask you lots of introspective questions and give you lots to think about.  After all – that’s what friends do for one another!)

What does friendship mean to you? What kind of friend are you to the people you care about? What kind of friends do you surround yourself with?

For many people, friendships “just happen”.  People come in and out of our lives all the time; and some of them stick around as friends.

Jim Rohn once said “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

I want you to think about your friends and consider that quote. Next, I want you to think about the path you are on in your quest to Choose the Life You Want. Is there a fit?

Are your friends firmly in your corner, supporting you through your evolution?

Or do you have the kind of friends who want you to stay the way you used to be in “the good ole days”?

Do they look at you now and say: “Wow!  You’ve really changed! I hardly recognize you anymore!” (said with enthusiasm)?

Or do they look at you now and say “Wow… you’ve really changed! I hardly recognize you anymore!” (said with judgement, suspicion and disapproval)?

As adults, it can be very scary to think about facing the disapproval of old friends.  But that fear serves no one.  Keeping someone in your life just because they’ve been there for ages, doesn’t serve either of you if you are moving in different directions.  People change, people grow and sometimes friends grow apart.

I want to leave you with a quote from Marianne Williamson.  Please note the section I’ve bolded.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

50th Season for Metro Theater in Vancouver

Congratulations to  Metro Theatre on the start of their 50th season. For 50 years the actors, producers, directors of this theatre have entertained thousands of people. They still are one of the best, and cheapest nights our for live Theatre in Vancouver. I consider the opportunities I get to go to Metro Theatre to be one of the highlights of my year.  Metro Theatre has been in Vancouver for 50 years and that says something about the quality of the performances given by this Theatre. 

I have never been disappointed by a play that I have seen at this theatre. So I am encouraging all of you who enjoy live theatre to make a point of going to see the first show of this their 50th season, (or any show of the season), if you can.  

If you live in the Vancouver area,  Metro Theatre has a wonderful season upcoming, if you are going to visit Vancouver then I recommend you try to take in a play. You will be entertained.  To get tickets phone the Box Office  604-266-719. Ticket prices Adult $25, Seniors and Students $20

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Metro Theatre is proud to announce its 50th season with something for everyone! The first play of the season is:
Relatively Speaking  by Alan Ayckbourn,  Directed by -John Crittenden

This production will run from:
August 25th—September 22nd  ( Thursday, Friday and Saturdays only with two Sunday Matinee's on Sept 9^th and 16^th) Curtain 8PM, Matinees 2PM

Relatively Speaking opened at the Duke Of York’s Theatre, London, on 29 March 1967. The majority of critics fell over themselves to praise the production. True, it was considered insubstantial and slight, but this did not stop the plaudits for the quality of the piece; Alan’s dialogue, Nigel Patrick’s direction and the cast were rewarded with high praise. Alan’s fortunes had turned and the play would continue to generate excellent reviews in the coming weeks as the periodicals were published.

"I regard Relatively Speaking as a comedy. The plot is devious but doesn't really fulfil those desperate and anarchical requirements that would qualify it as a farce." (Personal correspondence,  Alan  Ayckbourn , 16 January 1986)

Here are extracts from many of the major reviews of the London premiere of the play.

Daily Express (Herbert Kretzmer)

Almost continuous laughter last night augers well for the commercial future of this cleverly judged comedy. It is bound to attract a large middlebrow audience and will deserve such success.

Daily Mail (Peter Lewis)

Unashamed, artificial, laugh-a-line comedy with no message or significance whatsoever…. Unlike most clockwork comedies, this one clicks and fizzes to the very end.

Daily Telegraph (W.A. Darlington)

If you want to see how brilliant light-comedy acting and production can make a charming evening’s entertainment out of a basically silly play, go to the Duke Of York’s and see Relatively Speaking…. Where then, lies the trouble? Simply in the fact that the author has to labour like an old-fashioned convict to prevent any of his characters from speaking the one line of sensible explanation that would clear up the mistake and bring the play to a premature end.

Evening Standard (Milton Shulman)

Slight, tenuous and too fragile for rational analysis. Relatively Speaking emerges as the funniest trick of the season.

Metro is next to the Arthur Lang Bridge, Vancouver and there is plenty of easy parking.

One of the charms of the Metro Theatre is the Metro Lounge, where after the show, the cast always shows up to meet and talk to the audience members who are in the Lounge. So be sure to visit the The Metro Lounge after the show, meet your friends, and to meet the cast.