XXLet them live

 I lost my parents when I was in my 30s and now I see friends who have parents who are super seniors. They have parents who are in their late 80s and early 90s. My friends worry about when their parents get old.

Here is some advice from someone who could not see his parents grow old.

Let them grow old with the same love that they let you grow, let them speak and tell repeated stories with the same patience and interest that they heard yours as a child.

Let them overcome, like so many times, when they let you win. Let them enjoy their friends just as they let you enjoy yours. Allow them to enjoy the talks with their grandsons because they see you in them.

Let them enjoy living among the objects that have accompanied them for a long time because they suffer when they feel you tear pieces of this life away.

Let them be wrong, like so many times you have been wrong, and they didn’t embarrass you by correcting you.

LET THEM LIVE and try to make them happy, the last stretch of the path they have left to go; give them your hand, just like they gave you their hand when you started your path! Honour your mother and father.

I'll say it after....

 I did not write this - but WOW does it speak to me!!! Worth the read.

Barely the day started and... it's already six in the evening.

Barely arrived on Monday and it's already Friday.

... and the month is already over.

... and the year is almost over.

... and already 40, 50 or 60 years of our lives have passed.

... and we realize that we lost our parents and friends.

and we realize it's too late to go back...

So... Let's try, despite everything, to enjoy the remaining time...

Let's keep looking for activities that we like...

Let's put some colour in our grey...

Let's smile at the little things in life that put balm in our hearts.

And despite everything, we must continue to enjoy with serenity this time we have left. Let's try to eliminate the afters...

I'm doing it after...

I'll say after...

I'll think about it after...

We leave everything for later like ′′ after ′′ is ours.

Because what we don't understand is that:

Afterwards, the coffee gets cold...

afterwards, priorities change...

Afterwards, the charm is broken...

afterwards, health passes...

Afterwards, the kids grow up...

Afterwards, parents get old...

Afterwards, promises are forgotten...

afterwards, the day becomes the night...

afterwards, life ends...

And then it's often too late...

So... Let's leave nothing for later...

Because still waiting to see you later, we can lose the best moments,

the best experiences,

best friends,

the best family...

The day is today... The moment is now...

We are no longer at the age where we can afford to postpone what needs to be done right away.

Family Stories

The merging of two families through marriage is never easy, as each side wants to put on a good face to the other. The bride and groom may at times be aware of the tensions, and over time there is acceptance of the families to the new circumstances. But at the beginning, there are challenges as each side gets to know each other. 

At my Nephews wedding, my brother was talking to the new-in-laws and the bride's father was asking about our family and our history. Earlier the bride's father had been talking about his history, where he had grown up and some of the events that happened to him as he was growing up, and possibly bragging a bit. My brother not to be outdone shared some family stories about the elementary school we had gone to and some of the things we had done while we were young. Most of the events were positive but one was not, but the end result was positive.  My brother told this story about when he was in grade 5 and I was in grade 6

We like many lived and grew up in a tough community, the claim to fame of the generation that was a few years older than us was how long they had been in jail for ane what crime they had committed. By the time we had moved into the community, this claim to fame was not seen by the people of my age as a badge of honour, so the times they were a-changing. 

We were the new kids in our community and it was a closed community which meant that the hierarchy of power had been long established at the school. Power was shifted by the only means known to us as children at the time, which was physical prowess and battle.  As the oldest, I was faced with the task of finding our position in the hierarchy. So by the end of the first year, I and my brothers were settled in and had found our level of acceptance which was near the top of the hierarchy. 

A year later, new family moved in and the power struggle erupted again, except this time the new kid was a bully and he took it upon himself to beat up the younger children but he liked to fight anyone, kids younger than him, guys older or the same age as him. He won some and lost many, but he continued to fight and there was no resolution. 

In the early and late fifties, parents were not involved with children as much as they are today, so as children we were left to figure it out and to solve the problem. So as the fighting became more fierce and the bully ended up in the hospital. After he ended up in the hospital, I decided to befriend him as I thought if we continue to fight someone will be more badly hurt. 

I started inviting him to our house after school and talking to him and listening and he responded. I am not sure if it was because in our physical confrontations we were about equal or because he needed a friend. My brothers telling the story said that he was (at the time) really upset with me but I was stubborn, the oldest and that meant I got my way. I continued to invite him to our house and slowly the bully changed and a balance was restored in our school community. The bully and his family moved away about six months later and I saw him again when I was in high school and we were still friendly. 

So after telling this story to the bride's father, I could see him shaking his head and wondering what kind of family did his daughter marry into, but after sharing some more positive aspects of our family I think he relaxed.

Family history is it important to you?

A post on A Satisfying Retirement led me to my thoughts, on this issue. In his post, Bob Lowry (The blog's author) asked, What about you? Are you interested in all the twists and turns of your family's past? Do you have old documents that trace your ancestors back to some historical event? Or, like me, do you prefer to let sleeping dogs lie. You aren't particularly motivated to learn about all that?

Bob also posted a link to a site which asked and answered the question Whys is Genealogy important? The short answer according to Bob is  ... some of the reasons include validating family stories, tracing medical conditions or land ownership, finding birth parents and any links to famous people or historical events.

To answer Bob's question I have not been particularly motivated to learn about my history but events and times change. For me, it was a Facebook message that moved me to take some more action.

On my mother's side, I received a message on messenger from a cousin who was exploring his genealogy and had some questions, which I answered. He had been in touch with an elderly cousin who had completed a family tree for our grandmother and wanted more information about our grandfathers family, so I undertook to gather all the information from my brothers about their families and am just about complete in that task. I hope to send it off to my cousin and receive a copy of the updated family tree for my grandmother on my mom's side. All I know is that both my grandfather was born in a village (we don't know which one) in Romania and came to Canada when he was 14. My grandmother was born in1898 in Ciucurova, Dobrogea Austria (now Romania). and moved to the US (North Dakota) with her family and came to Canada when she was 2 with her 11 brothers and sisters and settled into the town my grandfather had moved to from Romania.


When we went to our first family reunion on my father's side of the family back in the 1980's we learned that my grandmother's family had come from Ireland to Canada somewhere between 1840 and 1850, along with many other Irish settlers and the family had settled in Ontario. I was given the names of my great grandparents (Ramsey and McTeer) and learned that someone in the family had created a genealogy chart, which a cousin promised to send to me. I never received it and I forgot about it until recently. I also found out that my grandfather had come to Canada in the 1920's from the United States, somewhere around Michigan area to hide out for a while. We are not sure why he came to Canada, as he had a career as an Accountant, but when he came to Canada he became a farmer where he met my grandmother bought then lost his farm in the 30's, and became a tenant farmer and raised a family. I have over the years tried to find out more about my grandmother and grandfather on my Dad's side of the family but have had little luck.

Going through the family history is important and I hope to continue to find out more about what must have been some fascinating stories.

Two years and counting

Ryder like all toddlers find life an adventure and in his two years and counting he has learned many things, most of which will be not remembered at a conscious level but will be part of the building blocks to his personality and his vision of who he is and how he is loved. 

I recognize that our experiences that were shared with him helped us get to know him and helped him grow, but that he will not remember us as we are now, or the experiences we shared later in his life. But these experiences  helped us create memories about him. 

During our time in Australia, this time, Ryder learned about the joy of water slides  the joy of scary rides down dark, tunnels with people who would protect him so he could feel safe about the experience. He learned about riding in Air planes and helping to carry luggage.

 In his third Christmas, he is beginning to understand the meaning of the day and the joy of giving and receiving and being with family and extended family. 

Grannie and grandpa paid close attention to him and we believe that we were able to help his development because we listened and played with him in a way that parents don’t—not because they don’t want to but because they are tired from working and running a household. 

Ryder learned more about swimming because we built on the lessons that he had taken, we danced with him when the music moved us and he learned that dancing is something that all of us can enjoy.

 He learned where Canada was, not on a map but more importantly he learned that Canada was in the basement suite because that is where Granny and Grandpa from Canada lived. One day he will actually learn about Canada, but for now I am content to know that he understands that Canada is a warm and loving place because Granny and Grandpa live here. I only hope that the Canada that I love will be here in future and will not be destroyed by our present government in its zeal to move us to a less compassionate and caring country.

Fire plans and being in the lake in a heat wave

One of the interesting things about living in the rolling grasslands of Australia is that you have to have fire plans in place in the summer. The heat can get extreme and one careless act or a lightning strike can cause great damage. When we were there this year, the extreme heat had not yet hit the area we were staying, but my daughter and her partner had set up their fire plans for and had everything packed for a quick getaway if needed (it was not).

So we do made sure that our valuables were ready to go. It is interesting trying to decide what valuables you want to take if you only have a short time to leave. It was important to plan because what you leave behind may be destroyed forever. What are important, items which bring back memories like,  pictures, souvenirs,important papers (passport, birth certificates, wills, mortgage documents, etc) or material things like clothes, TV’s etc. 

After we had taken the time to set up everything by the door, we were able to relax and went off to the lake. Lake Eldon is a beautiful and big lake and we did not have far to go to set up on the beach

It was interesting to me that when we set up we were the only ones at our location. We were close to the road and within about two hours, other people from my daughters’ area came and settled in with us.  

We enjoyed a wonderful afternoon swimming, and enjoying the heat of the day while meeting a number of my daughter’s friends and their children. The next day the fire warning had dropped and the extreme heat had move on, so d we could relax and enjoy the summer sun without the extreme heat.

Vacation planning--Flexibility is the key

The first thing I suggest is that you start to plan early. Spontaneity works well for day trips, but is not as effective for longer jaunts. By planning early, you will find cheaper fares and accommodations that are more available. 

You can also have the opportunity to save any additional funds you might need, perhaps include extended invitations to other family members, and get together all the paperwork you might need if traveling abroad. 

While planning, it’s a good idea to stay flexible in your desires.  Flexibility equals maximum pleasure for everyone.  This is especially true if you have special needs due to a disability or are taking along teens and children who will want to do different things.

Get your children involved too.  This will not only make them much more enthusiastic about the trip, but they can provide their input into what types of activities they want to do and what types of activities they’d like to do as a family.  They’ll be much more excited when they are fully involved in deciding where the family will be vacationing, so be sure to get their opinions too.

You probably already have some kind of idea as to what you’ll be able to afford when taking a vacation.  If you do have a specific number in mind, this makes it much easier to pick out a destination.  You can research what’s available in your price range and choose the trip that will best fit your family.

If you don’t have a specific number in mind, make a list of your dream vacations.  Include those places you’ve always wanted to go as well as places you think would fit the personalities of your family.  See what these types of vacations will cost, and then pick the one you think you can save for or afford to take right away.

The Internet is an indispensable tool to do this.  There are many travel websites that offer vacation packages for specific destinations.  Here are some highly suggested by the experts:

www.expedia.com

www.orbitz.com

www.cheaptickets.com

www.travelocity.com

When you use these sites, they can give you best prices for various destinations, but they can also provide valuable suggestions for where you can go as well as activities that are available and ratings from other travelers who have taken the same vacations.

You can also use:

www.priceline.com
Price line often allows you to name a price you’re willing to pay for flights, hotels, etc., but you have to take what they offer you if they accept your price.  For example, you may be willing to pay $100 for a $200 airline flight, but they may accept your price only if you’re willing to take the redeye in the middle of the night.  If this is something you can live with, by all means, book it!  Just be flexible. 

Do you detect a theme here in the planning phase?  Flexibility is the key!

You’ll need to decide if you will be flying to your destination or driving.  There are many airlines that have cut-rate prices when you fly during certain times.  Again, you’ll need to be flexible on departure dates and times.

You’ll also need to decide on a time frame for your vacation.  Again, if you are flexible on departure dates, you’re more likely to get a better deal.  We realize, however, that work constraints might not allow you to change your vacation dates, but if possible, it’s best to just have a general idea instead of a rock solid date. 

Try to travel on days other than Friday, Saturday or Sunday which are the busiest travel days of the week.  You can firm up plans later if needed.

Once you’ve got your destination in mind, you’ll need to consider a couple of other things before booking your trip.

Meaningful Gifts

On this Thanksgiving, as I was thinking of family I thought about the  five gifts of love that we can give to our friends and families that can make a huge difference in their lives.

THE GIFT OF CARING AND COMPASSION

We all yearn to feel cared for, yet many of us withhold caring and compassion for others. A profound gift we can give to our loved ones is to listen with our heart, to understand and accept rather than to judge, and to stay open to learning rather than to protect against being hurt.

Think about the last time someone actually listened to you and gave you understanding and acceptance. The feeling of being understood and accepted with caring and compassion is one of the best feelings in the world. Instead of focusing on getting this from others, why not focus on giving it to others? You might be surprised at how wonderful you feel in giving this gift to your family.

THE GIFT OF COURAGE

One of the best gifts we can give our loved ones is our own courage. This means being having the courage to stand in our truth, to be honest about what we want and don’t want, what we will do and won’t do, what is and what is not acceptable to us. It means having the courage to take good care of ourselves, even if others don’t like it. It means not succumbing to our controlling behaviors that come from fear: anger, withdrawal, compliance, resistance, but instead being honest and above-board about ourselves. It means being willing to face conflict rather than give ourselves up to avoid it.

When we have the courage to face conflict and tell the truth, we not only provide our family with a role model for courage, but we provide opportunities for our loved ones to step up to the plate in the face of our truth and learn to be courageous too.

THE GIFT OF SERVICE

We are on this planet to learn to love ourselves and each other, and to help each other. One of the best gifts we can give our family is to role model this by doing service. Helping others fills the heart and soul in ways that nothing else can. If children do not see their parents doing service and helping others, they may never learn the great joy and fulfillment that comes from giving. One of the best gifts we can give to our family is to provide ways of doing service.

THE GIFT OF CREATIVITY

All of us are born with various ways of expressing our creativity. Expressing creativity is a profound way of connecting with Spirit, since expressed creativity is a direct expression of Spirit. Providing your family with many ways of expressing their creativity is a great gift. Creativity can be expressed in so many ways – cooking, crafts, building things, music, art, movement, telling stories, writing, humor, photography and video – the possibilities are endless! Creative family projects are especially wonderful in creating family closeness.

THE GIFT OF LIGHTNESS OF BEING

Lightness of being – fun, joy, laughter, playfulness – is a great gift to give to others. Lightness of being is infectious – our laughter and playfulness can help others take life less seriously and “lighten up.”

Lightness of being is one the results of all the other gifts – of caring, courage, service and creativity. When we give these gifts, we feel a wonderful lightness within, the lightness that is the result of fully giving from the heart. Our own lightness of being can bring lightness into our whole family. Children love it when their parents are playful, fun loving and joyful. Laughing together as a family is one of the most precious experiences in life.

We need to focus of giving these gifts each day, not just special occasions. These gifts are far more important than any material thing we can buy for someone. In fact, we might not be so focused on material gifts if we frequently give the gift of love – of caring, compassion, courage, service, creativity, and lightness of being.