Overcoming your shyness

I cured myself of shyness when it finally occurred to me that people didn’t think about me half as much as I gave them credit for. The truth was, nobody gave a damn… When I stopped being a prisoner to what I worried was others’ opinions of me, I became more confident and free. Lucille Ball.

Shyness can be a difficult thing to overcome, but there are some strategies that may be helpful in managing and reducing it. Here are a few suggestions:

Practice self-affirmation. Remind yourself that it’s okay to be shy, and that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses.

Take small steps. Start by talking to people you feel comfortable with, and gradually work your way up to speaking to new people or in larger groups.

Prepare what you want to say. If you’re nervous about speaking up in a group or meeting new people, it's helpful to think about what you want to say beforehand. This can help you feel more confident and less likely to get tongue-tied.

Focus on the other person. Try to engage with the person you’re speaking to, rather than getting caught up in your own thoughts and feelings. This can help you feel more connected and less self-conscious.

Seek supportive environments. Surround yourself with people who are understanding and supportive. This can make it easier for you to open up and be yourself.

Seek professional help. If your shyness is causing significant distress or impacting your daily life, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional. They can work with you to develop strategies for managing your shyness and building confidence.

In a long term relationship you have the unalienable right

In a long term relationship you have the unalienable right . . This article written by Mike Fiore is an interesting take on this topic

1. To Be Judged And Treated According To Your Own Words And Actions, not
on the words and actions of the other douchebags, bitches or dorks your partner may have dated in the past.Just because your boyfriend's ex girlfriend cheated on him with the entire
college sports squad doesn't mean your boyfriend can keep you locked in the closet every Sunday and prevent you from watching ESPN 2.

 2. To Be Told The Absolute Truth About The Important Things (And To Be Lied To About The Silly Stuff.)
I'm a pretty honest person myself, but our entire way of life is predicated on not
ALWAYS saying exactly what's on our mind.

In a relationship you have a right to be told the absolute truth about . . .
Fidelity and cheating.
Sexual desires. 
The state of your finances.
Whether your partner wants kids.
What happened to the dog.
Whether your partner is happy.
What your partner wants for
the future.
Whether your partner loves you
or not.
If your partner and that guy with the jutting chin are actually "Just friends" or not.
And other earth-quaking, relationship shattering stuff.

You have the right to be LIED to about silly stuff like . . .

"What are you thinking about RIGHT NOW?" (You don't always want to know.)

"Do I look fat in this?" (Seriously, people ask that?)

And other minor pieces of BS.

You also have the right to a partner who understands the actual difference between minor BS and important stuff.

3. To Have Your Partner Be In Your Corner And Take Your Side In A Fight, Even If They Think You're Totally Wrong.

If you come home crying about how your boss is a raving a$$hole, your partner should just agree. "Yup, he's an a$$hole." No ifs, ands or buts.

4. To Forgiveness And To Be Accepted For The Flawed Human Being You Are.
In a long term relationship you're going to do things to anger partner (and they're going to do things to make you pull your hair out and plot their end.)

Nobody is perfect Humans are flawed. We all do silly stuff.

You have a right to be forgiven by your partner as quickly and as completely as possible (or not at all.)

If there's something you've done that your partner simply can not and will not ever forgive you for no matter what you do or how hard they try, you have the right to be told that so you can make a tough but necessary decision.

5. To A Partner Who Encourages You To Be The Best You Can Be, Who Accepts That You'll Evolve Over The Years, Who Doesn't Try To Change Who You Are.
We are all moths becoming butterflies becoming dragons. You have a right to a partner who loves the "Good" about you, accepts the "Bad" and celebrates the you they haven't
met yet.

6. To Regular, Eager Non Judgemental And Enthusiastic Sex.
You have the right to a partner who lusts after you, lets you know you're sexy, is interested in your gratification, accepts even your weirdest kinks and desires and at least occasionally worships your body and makes you feel like the sexiest man or woman
on the planet.

7. To Independence, Friendship And Privacy
You have the right to your own private space, your own private thoughts, your own private things, your own private life.

You have the right to pursue your passions, to be friends with whoever you damn well want and to have parts of your life that have absolutely nothing to do with your partner.

You are independent planets who choose to be in orbit. A partner who tries to control you should be thrown into the sun.

8. To Be One Of Your Partner's Top 3 Priorities At Any Given Time
You have a right to a partner who drops everything for you in a crisis, who thinks about you when you're not around, who celebrates you, encourages you and does random stuff for you at least sometimes without you even asking for it.

Yes, other stuff (and other people) are going to take priority sometimes. (It's life.)
That's totally cool. But you should always be in the top 3.

9. To A Partner Who Sticks By You On The Bad Days, Months And Years And Helps You Get Back To The Good
There are days you'll wake up miserable. There are weeks life kicks you in the balls. There are years the whole damn world feels like it's going to fall apart.

You have a right to a partner who lets you cry on their shoulder. Who tells you it's going to be OK even when it's not and who realized one bad day (or one bad fight) doesn't mean your relationship is over.

10. You Have The Right To Be With Someone Who Loves You.
You have the right to be with someone who celebrates you and never puts you down.

You have the right to be with someone who can deliver criticism with a kiss instead
of a slap.

You have a right to feel safe in his arms and adored in her embrace.

11. You Have The Right To Leave You always have the right to walk away. Always. Yes, you should make the effort to fix the rips and tears in a relationship, but there's no honor in staying in hell.

If the bad days far outnumber the good . . . if the person next to you has turned into
a stranger . . . if all you can do is cry and all they can do is tear you down . .. it's time to leave.

You deserve better.

Agree? Disagree?

Friends with Benefits?

I recently posted on two weddings that I went to, one with a older couple and one with a young couple. This got me to thinking why get married. I have been married for over 44 years and I understand the benefits of marriage as we age, but for those who are single why get married. While one of tthe most traditional reason to get married over 50, or at any age, is still the best: love.

Couples who live together outside marriage no longer face the societal pressures and judgments they once did, and there are certainly compelling reasons for people over 50 to remain single, yet many older couples still choose to marry. Some reasons for staying single is the idea of Friends with Benefits, which many people I know are into. I did some research into this idea and found that both men and women were more committed to the friendship than to the sexual aspect of the relationship. 

According to one study, more than sixty percent of men (63.7%) and slightly more than half (50.2%) of women reported experience in a friends with benefits relationship. As one might guess, the men enjoyed the benefits more than the friendship, but the women sought the friendship more than the benefits, although these are generalizations.

A new study confirmed those findings, with the caveat that men actually do value the friendship over the benefits - although they tend to enter into the arrangement for the benefits part, while women seek the emotional connection aspect.

The best news, is that a 2011 Relationships Australia survey found that baby boomers are the least lonely generation (Gen Ys are the most). An RSVP survey last year concurred, revealing that over-50s are the age group most content with being single.

 Clearly those are the extremes and there's every experience in between, but the fact is that there are a lot of long married, recently single people out there. In its recent report Working Out Relationships, the Australian Institute of Family Studies revealed that in 2011, 28 per cent of marriages ended in divorce after 20 or more years - up from 20 per cent in 1980. The median age at divorce has also increased, from 38 for men and 34 for women in 1971 to 45 for men and 42 for women in 2011.

We're living longer and more actively than any previous generation. That's great. But it also means that the prospect of togetherness is stretching longer than ever before and, let's face it, that picture can be grim. With the Australian Bureau of Statistics estimating that a man who's currently 65 will live into his mid-80s and a woman to almost 90, that's a whole lot of togetherness. As gerontologist Professor Hal Kendig of the University of Sydney has put it, "Old age used to be this very short period between when you stop working and when you get frail and die, especially for men." It appears that many of us are using this time to develop and maintain strong relationships to the end.

What boomer men want, what boomer women want.

A few days ago, I talked about getting in the same old rut and how to get out of it. In that vein, and since it is Valentines day, I thought I would talk about how women and men of my generation see relationships.

 I recently read two articles on relationships one from a women’s perspective and one from a man’s. The articles make for interesting reading for single boomers out there of both sexes, as well as for younger people. The man’s list is his own, according to the article, I have friends that are single and I asked them about the list, I have put in bold what they agree with on the list. Take a look and compare and then ask yourself how many of these traits your current partner has, if they have a lot, your same old same old is great, if they don't have a lot of what you want, then consider making a decision to move on. Life is short, you deserve to be happy 

Life is a work in progress, isn't it? We learn from our experiences and hopefully, in the later rounds, know which punches to pull. With this in mind, we asked our post-50 women friends what traits they wanted in their next lover. How many are on your list?

What Men want	What women want
A lifetime promise I'll never be asked to go to the mall. I'd prefer a root canal	Laughs at my jokes.
A woman who laughs at my jokes, even to be polite. It helps me feel she gets me.	Makes me laugh
An in-shape heartthrob with exercise discipline. I have it, but still need an occasional push out the door	Thinks my dog is cute, even when she wets her muzzle in the water dish and bee-lines for his groin
A woman imbued with youthful enthusiasm.	Doesn't try to boss my kids around
A "juicy" honey, with a sexual edge, who knows that Boomer sex is less about piston-pounding and more about passion	Gets why I cry when I hear "Sunrise, Sunset
A sweetheart, who wakes up with a smile.	Knows "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" is a trick question.
A woman interested in my point of view. Just because we don't agree, doesn't mean either of us is stupid.	Talks to my eyes, not my boobs
A smart lover. My heart beats fast when I meet a bright woman.	Would never suggest I should exercise more
A woman, with a sense of personal style, a leader not a follower.	Responds with "You color your hair?" every time I say I'm going to have it colored. Every time
A lover with joie de vivre, who knows what that means.	Never listens to Rush Limbaugh. Ever.
A sweetheart who goes to bed exhausted from actually living life.	Listens to Howard Stern, but knows not to quote him
I'm not an ATM. Boomer women in particular should have a sense of equality, and equal means equal.	Makes me feel loved, but not owned.
A lover who isn't still angry with her ex-husband, last boyfriend, or men in general. I don't want to be an angry woman's piñata	Baby talks to the dog when no one is home (the dog confirms it).
A woman, with an emotional vocabulary. I get that you're pissed off, but I need to know where that's coming from.	Understands plumbing, both mine and the sink's.
A Bohemian-heart, who knows that happiness really is possible.	Assumes he is meeting my plane at the airport.
I love to cook, and I appreciate a woman who's cool with cleaning up.	Always drives, always pays and never brings up doing either
An unconditionally supportive partner.	Wants to show me places that he thinks I'll love and more than half of them aren't sports stadiums.
A sweetie who likes to rock to the oldies, can still boogey, and isn't self-conscious doing it.	Would rather hang out with me than the guys, but knows that I'll miss him more if he goes.
A savvy traveler who knows that 10 days in Paris is way cooler than 10 cities in 10 days, and that the Musee D'Orsay is more interesting than Disney World Paris.	Knows that real men volunteer.
An egalitarian woman that doesn't consider herself elite just because she can afford a better haircut.	Isn't a bystander in life.

The list  for what women want was written by Ann Brenoff is a Senior Writer for the Huffington Post, based in Los Angeles. She previously worked at the Los Angeles Times, where she wrote the nationally syndicated Hot Property column about celebrity real estate. She is working on a book about life in Malibu. Ann can be reached at Ann.Brenoff@HuffingtonPost.com

Ken Solin,  wrote the list about what men want--he stipulates that it is his list not other men of my generation, but my friends and I see some of the traits we would like as well.  Ken has worked with men to help them move beyond the issues that limit their lives. Both men and women follow Ken since his work deals with issues that affect both, particularly in relationships. His Facebook Page is http://www.facebook.com/kensolin

His website, http://www.kensolin.com/ offers articles and a documentary about men and relationships, and his new book, Act Like a Man is available on Amazon http://amzn.to/txUNb9  in print or Kindle versions, and on Barnes and Noble

Stress Free Relationships in Retirement:

Does it seem difficult to find the time for your relationship? Relationships change when one person is retired, and this may cause you and your partner  stress?

How can you prevent this feeling of “being overwhelmed” because of the changes that retirement brings from affecting your relationship?

Below are some tips to help couples manage their time, feel more relaxed, have fun and keep that spark ignited in their marriage every day.

Tip #1 Practice good self-care: Eat right and get enough rest. Do something special for yourself and as a couple every day, even if for only 10 minutes. I suggest couples take that 10 minutes before falling asleep at night to share how much they appreciate each other and be grateful for what was accomplished during the day versus focusing on what was not.

Tip #2 Plan Ahead: Create a workable schedule together to get everything important done. Ask yourself: Does this really need to be done today? Would anyone be affected if we did not do it? If the answer is ‘yes’ to either question, then it is a priority. Take care of priority items first, and then do other less important things. Plan ahead and take a vacation or personal day midweek to enjoy some quiet time together.

Tip #3 Forget perfection: Don’t create stress by trying to achieve the perfect situation. Focus on what brings more ease into your lives. Keep it simple.

Tip #4 Laugh and have fun: Have a sense of humor and don’t take yourself so seriously. Lighten up and have fun together. Keep on laughing. Laughter not only helps defuse stress, it helps reduce blood pressure, relax muscle tension, release natural pain relievers, and boost your immune system. It will also help with your sex life.

Tip #5 Learn to say ‘no’: It really is OK to say ‘no’ to things you do not have time for or don’t have an interest in participating. If you’re saying yes because you’re worried about what someone might say, you’ll feel resentful and out of control. Be true to yourself and to each other. Say ‘maybe’ to check in with each other and then make the decision.

Good communication and honoring both partner’s schedules is always essential.

Bonus: Both of you are unique. Learn to appreciate and respect what you both bring to the relationship and get to know your partner all over again. Falling in love to the same person is wonderful for both.

Keep filling the Jelly Bean Jar

At my Nephews wedding my younger brother and his wife gave a short speech. My brother and his wife are fairly conservative. Before the speech, my brother said to me, as I congratulated him on the bible reading he had done at the ceremony, "I hope that I don't blow my next speech, I have some humour in the speech, and I hope that everyone gets it and laughs" I told him I would lead the laughter if needed.

What my brother had to say surprised all of us and here is one of the things he had to say about marriage and how to keep a healthy relationship. (I hope I do his speech justice)

"Rule number 10 for a happy marriage, Keep filling the Jelly Bean Jar. Now, not many people know about the Jelly Bean Jar, but when your mom and I were married, we had to go for marriage lessons. The first lesson the minister told us was to keep filling the Jelly Bean Jar. We  must of looked confused, because the minister said, "what you do is you go out and buy a great big jar and fill it with Jelly Beans, and every time you make love in the first year of your marriage you take a Jelly Bean out of the Jar." He continued, "by the end of the first year the Jelly Bean Jar will be empty. For the rest of your life, every time you make love, put a Jelly Bean back into the Jar and by the end of your life, hopefully the Jelly Bean Jar will be full again." 

My brother continued to say that he and his wife had been together for 44 years and that they continued to fill the Jelly Bean Jar. I watched his two sons, and daughter faces as they move from puzzlement to laughter. The whole room lit up with laughter and my brother had to wait for the room to calm down before he and his wife continued with the other rules of keeping a marriage strong.

My brother ended the speech by saying, " Marriage is not just about Jelly Beans, it is about commitment to each other, helping and supporting each other and growing in joy with each other." He then pulled out a bag and asked his son and his new wife to come up as he said he and his wife had a present for them. My brother opened the bad and presented his son and his new wife with a big jar filled with Jelly Beans. The audience loved it.

Share your good news

To borrow a line from the sacred texts of the west, why should you hide your light under a bushel? This might be just the light someone has been seeking all their lives. And you may hold the key to the door…

You don’t have to stand on street corners yelling at passersby, you don’t have to be obnoxious, or hectoring.

But, when appropriate, a mention of your spiritual tradition seems appropriate.

When you know someone you think might profit from it, an invitation to share your spiritual journey, maybe when there’s going to be a talk seems only respectful.

Sometimes you should hold your council.

And.

Sometimes you just have to speak.

It can change the world.

Or, at least, one life.

And maybe that is enough

Tips to help maintain a strong relationship

1,  Be yourself. Authenticity is the key to growing a relationship. If you cannot be yourself then you end up playing a charade that ultimately will end badly for you.
2. Be honest. No one likes being lied to and a relationship build upon lies will create an environment of distrust. It is better to be honest and upfront, then try to weasel out of a lie latter on.
3. Know your values. Spend time examining the type of person that you are and the type of person that you would like to be. If these ideas are not congruent with your current relationships that it is time to do some examination.
4. Schedule Time. Relationships take work. It is important to schedule time with those that you care about. It shows them that they are important to you. It also ensures that you both have time to stay connected throughout the busyness of the life.
5. Touch. The power of touch is amazing. A hug, handshake, holding hands, or even a kiss when appropriate can make all the difference in the world. Reach out and touch someone.
6. Create space. Everyone needs space and space is not a bad thing. It gives a person the area to be themselves and to be an individual.
7. Learn to listen. An active listener is focused on what the other person is saying and is not concentrating on their own snappy comeback.
8. Learn how to be heard. Good speakers are able to order their thoughts and emotions in ways that can be understood. Speak in small segments and ask for feedback to see if the listener understands you.
9. Know the differences. Men and women are different. Moms and dad are different. Find out what those differences are and celebrate them. Differences make life interesting and exciting.
10. Give space. Know when to give your loved one the space they need to cool down after an argument. Let them know that you are there for them when they are ready to talk, but do not pursue them.
11. Give time. Dedicate yourself to spending quality and quantity time with those that you care about. Money is fleeting, but time can be controlled and given.
12. Avoid debates. To most issues there are two sides and never the twain shall meet. Learn what is important and what you can agree to disagree about.

A childs view

My thanks to John V for this post

here is little boy's essay I got from Czech Republic. Translation could have been better...

My Parents

Parents are divided into two parts: the mother and father. My mother is still divided into a housewife and worker.

At home she is a mother who cooks, also she functions as a maid, laundry worker, shopper, bookkeeper, educator etc.

The mother is characterized by miraculously being in several places at once. She is the one who can think of a hundred things, and be doing ten things at once.

I see with my own eyes how, after returning from work, she can boil water on the stove, while kneading the cake. The washing machine is running it, so goes to exchange clothes, while my sister Olga is being tested on large multiplication tables..

Two of my eyes are not enough. Then, when you sit down to dinner, everything is ready on the table. Then she has got to sow sweat pants new holes, wash Olga's hair and hang clothes on the balcony. ~

Secretly I am watching my mother. Mom really has only two hands, and yet when she comes home from work, has a large and a small handbag in one hand the other two string bags with the shopping, but she also carries my little brother Charlie in a baby sling.

Father does not consist either division. Located either at work or at home, but you rarely find him at home. You'll find him at breakfast and dinner, sitting at a table, but commonly, you'll find him in a chair or on a couch and he is covered with newspaper. ~

Leaving behind him is always the same: wide open, and overturned newspaper , cigarette ashes, sometimes in the ashtray. Unlike the mother, even so he has two hands, he comes always home with empty hands. Maybe he cannot write, because he has never signed a note from school. I am curious why he belongs to a group of parents, since he never attended parent association's meetings. He has yet to try to wash our family car.

Our teacher told us to write this essay to reflect on the work of our parents.

 The school assigned a student, who is not working properly and does not learn, to a good student who is productive so he, or she can to learn something from him.

So I think, just like in our school, where unproductive and underscoring students are allocated to more productive and better performing students, that at the wedding, man are being allocated to women so that women can teach them something good and have a good influence on them.

My mother is still working on that. I think, so far, she has failed…

Meaningful Gifts

On this Thanksgiving, as I was thinking of family I thought about the  five gifts of love that we can give to our friends and families that can make a huge difference in their lives.

THE GIFT OF CARING AND COMPASSION

We all yearn to feel cared for, yet many of us withhold caring and compassion for others. A profound gift we can give to our loved ones is to listen with our heart, to understand and accept rather than to judge, and to stay open to learning rather than to protect against being hurt.

Think about the last time someone actually listened to you and gave you understanding and acceptance. The feeling of being understood and accepted with caring and compassion is one of the best feelings in the world. Instead of focusing on getting this from others, why not focus on giving it to others? You might be surprised at how wonderful you feel in giving this gift to your family.

THE GIFT OF COURAGE

One of the best gifts we can give our loved ones is our own courage. This means being having the courage to stand in our truth, to be honest about what we want and don’t want, what we will do and won’t do, what is and what is not acceptable to us. It means having the courage to take good care of ourselves, even if others don’t like it. It means not succumbing to our controlling behaviors that come from fear: anger, withdrawal, compliance, resistance, but instead being honest and above-board about ourselves. It means being willing to face conflict rather than give ourselves up to avoid it.

When we have the courage to face conflict and tell the truth, we not only provide our family with a role model for courage, but we provide opportunities for our loved ones to step up to the plate in the face of our truth and learn to be courageous too.

THE GIFT OF SERVICE

We are on this planet to learn to love ourselves and each other, and to help each other. One of the best gifts we can give our family is to role model this by doing service. Helping others fills the heart and soul in ways that nothing else can. If children do not see their parents doing service and helping others, they may never learn the great joy and fulfillment that comes from giving. One of the best gifts we can give to our family is to provide ways of doing service.

THE GIFT OF CREATIVITY

All of us are born with various ways of expressing our creativity. Expressing creativity is a profound way of connecting with Spirit, since expressed creativity is a direct expression of Spirit. Providing your family with many ways of expressing their creativity is a great gift. Creativity can be expressed in so many ways – cooking, crafts, building things, music, art, movement, telling stories, writing, humor, photography and video – the possibilities are endless! Creative family projects are especially wonderful in creating family closeness.

THE GIFT OF LIGHTNESS OF BEING

Lightness of being – fun, joy, laughter, playfulness – is a great gift to give to others. Lightness of being is infectious – our laughter and playfulness can help others take life less seriously and “lighten up.”

Lightness of being is one the results of all the other gifts – of caring, courage, service and creativity. When we give these gifts, we feel a wonderful lightness within, the lightness that is the result of fully giving from the heart. Our own lightness of being can bring lightness into our whole family. Children love it when their parents are playful, fun loving and joyful. Laughing together as a family is one of the most precious experiences in life.

We need to focus of giving these gifts each day, not just special occasions. These gifts are far more important than any material thing we can buy for someone. In fact, we might not be so focused on material gifts if we frequently give the gift of love – of caring, compassion, courage, service, creativity, and lightness of being.

Saying Hi

I go for a walk everyday along the banks of the Fraser and the Pitt River, I walk for 6 km, one day, the next I walk 9 km and then I walk11 km and go back to the 6 km walk. I enjoy the walk and seeing the changes that occur along the river. Depending on the time of day, I see many other people out, walking their dogs, riding bikes, as well as running. Whenever I pass someone, I smile and say hi, or good morning or good afternoon.

What surprises me is the response, some people say high back, others nod, look surprised, and some do not give any acknowledgement that I have spoken to them. But 95% of the people do respond and smile back. I contrast this to an adjoining community where I went for a walk along the Burrard inlet, I saw just as many people walking, running and walking their dogs, and I smiled and said hi, to my surprise 95% of the people did not respond at all, and I wondered why. Perhaps there is a difference in the community that makes some people so uptight that they do not acknowledge others.

When I  posed the question to my friends, each of them talked about areas in their own communities where when walking people would not respond or acknowledge you and other areas within a few km, where everyone responded and gave acknowledgement.

I wonder why people loose sight of the idea that when another person says hi to you that person is not out to do you harm, so take the time and when someone says hi, say hi back.

Fridays musings

In my life, was on the radio, and I thought what a wonderful song for the first Friday in August. BC day has come and gone and it is a good time to think of people who have come and gone in my life. When I was involved in networking marketing I learned that we all have a sphere of influence of about 200 people. Those 200 people that are in our lives at any one moment are not the same as we travel through time. Most of the 200 plus souls who were at my wedding 41 years ago are no longer in my life in the same way they were then, some have died, some have moved on to new areas and new friendships as have I. New friends have replaced those who have moved on and that is the way with life. The people we influence also influence us and shape who we see ourselves as and how we relate to the world.

Earlier in a post I talked about Choice Theory, and I would like to expand on this idea as it relates to our choice of the people who populate our lives:

The following is taken from The School for Quality Learning: Managing the School and Classroom the Deming Way by Donna K.Crawford,Richard Bodine,& Robert Hoglund, pp. 45 - 50:


Choice Theory is based on the assumption that all behavior represents the individuals constant attempt to satisfy one or more of five basic inborn needs. In other words, no behavior is caused by any situation or person outside of the individual. Accepting this idea requires a paradigm shift on the part of those who view life according to stimulus-response theory. According to the stimulus-response paradigm, we answer the telephone because it rings and stop the car because the traffic light is red. From the stimulus-response perspective, behavior is caused by someone or some thing(the stimulus) outside the individual; the action following is a response to that stimulus. According to the Choice Theory paradigm, people or events outside us never stimulate us to do anything. Rather, our behavior always represents the choice to do what we believe most satisfies our need at the time. From this perspective, we follow the rules of a game to achieve a meaningful outcome. We answer the phone because we choose to do so in order to communicate, not because we react to the ring. We stop at a red light because we choose to avoid risking a traffic ticket or an accident, not because the light turned red. When we repeat a choice that is consistently satisfying, we exercise less and less deliberation in making that choice. Even a quick action is chosen and not automatic.

The message of Choice Theory is that, because people always have control over the doing component of behavior, if they change that component, they cannot avoid changing the thinking, feeling, and physiological components as well. A choice of action that results in greater control will be accompanied by better feelings, more pleasant thoughts, and greater physical comfort. To get their needs met effectively, people must realize that they always have control over the doing component and can choose to do something more effective than being miserable.

This means that we consciously choose our friends because they help us meet one of our basic needs of  the need to survive, belong, gain power, be free and to have fun. Interesting to think about but I sometimes think that becoming friends is just a serendipity, not a choice. Perhaps staying friends is the real choice.
What does friendship mean to you? What kind of friend are you to the people you care about? What kind of friends do you surround yourself with?

The meaning of (On Canada Day)

 I read this article put out by Steve Denning  on his blog "The leaders Guide to Radical Management" and I thought this could also be about life.

Steve is taking about how business set compelling goals and at one point he says:  "The solution is simple.  In 1973, Peter Drucker provided a clue as to where to look: 'There is only one valid definition of business purpose: to create a customer. . . . It is the customer who determines what a business is. It is the customer alone whose willingness to pay for a good or for a service converts economic resources into wealth, things into goods. . . . The customer is the foundation of a business and keeps it in existence.'


The shift in focus from things to people is a first step, but by itself, it’s not enough to constitute a compelling goal today. In 1973, it might have been enough for an organization to have a customer—someone who is willing to pay for the good or service. In today’s more intensively competitive world, merely having a customer who is willing to pay for the good or service is a precarious existence for any firm. The key to an enduring future is to have a customer who is willing to buy goods and services both today and tomorrow. It’s not about a transaction; it’s about forging a relationship. For this to happen, it isn’t enough that the customer be passively satisfied. The customer must be delighted.

Delighting customers is not only a requirement of business survival; it also offers a solution to the dilemma of how to articulate a morally worthwhile and inspiring goal that is closely related to what the organization does. That’s because delighting other people is inherently motivating. It leads to an understanding of the meaning of work, which relates to people, not things.

The meaning of work isn’t in the bread that we’re baking: it’s in the enjoyment the customers get from eating the bread.

The meaning of work isn’t in the words the actor is reciting; it’s in the response of the audience to those words.

The meaning of work isn’t in the toy that we’re putting together; it’s in the smile on the face of the child.

The meaning of work isn’t in the bricks and mortar of the house we’re building; it’s in the happiness we generate in a family with a house that precisely meets their needs.

The meaning of work isn’t in the words or the musical notes of the song that we’re writing; it’s in the feeling of yearning we generate in the heart of the listener.

The meaning of work isn’t in the paper and print of the insurance policy we’ve issued; it’s in the security that we’re providing to the spouse and the children.

The meaning of the boutique hotel that we’re running isn’t in the rooms and the physical facilities; it’s in the feeling of being at home away from home that we generate in people who stay there.

The meaning of the software we’re coding doesn’t lie in bits and bytes; it’s in the cool things that users can do with the software.

The meaning that we see in work resides in the responses of the people for whom we are doing the work.

What would happen if we apply this concept to our lives as well as our business. Make it our goal to delight those with whom we have relationships. Make it your mission that the meaning of your life resides in the responses of the people that are in relationships with us. Think of the fun and joy you would bring to your life and to others..

Zen and Buddhist thought

Since I have started to realize that I will be a grandfather, I have started to pay more attention to the simple things in life and I have also started to take stock of what is important and what I hope to pass on, if given the opportunity. To help me I have, on my I google account, a section called Buddhist thought for the day and I find reading them helps be gain some focus on life. I liked this one as I think it allows one to think about relationships:

If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart, I could really see you. - David Brandon (Zen in the Art of Helping)...

Really seeing someone is the first step in establishing a strong connection and helps to build strong relationships. I think small children see a person without trying to trace patterns, so I hope to rekindle the joy of life that I was had as a small child and with that joy and the wisdom of life start to look for and find ways of passing on the understandings I have gained to my grandchild that I was not able to pass on to my children because I was too busy with my career and my own self centered views on life.

I wonder do we as boomers believe in the importance of relationships or do we believe in the idea of relationships. At one point in my life I probably believed in the idea of relationships not the value of the relationship so as I mature I hope to regain the wisdom of my childhood,

Moving on

I have been very lucky this past year, I am working at Kwantlen Park Secondary School, in Surrey. This school used to be called West Whalley and it was where I started my career in education. Many of the students who went to the school are now members of my facebook page and I enjoy seeing there comments and keeping in touch with them.

I am in my last week at the school and I am having mixed feelings. I am working with two wonderful people in the Career Resource Center (Kim and Rick) along with a very strong staff that cares very much about the students. I am looking forward to my new assignment but feel sad about leaving the school. Moving on is always like that, but Boomers are good moving on when the time is right. I am sitting in the Career Office at lunch as the army recruiter is fielding questions from students interested in a number of army programs being offered this summer. There are seven woman and three men in this session.  The students are here because the school wants to make sure that the students complete their applications are filled out correctly, so they can increase their chances of getting into the programs. The staff at KP are still caring and interested in helping students plan their future. I will miss them.

When I'm 64

There will be some interest, I think in the fact that the first of the Baby Boomers turn 64 this year and the old Beatles song will be talked about by the pundits and those who want to make more about the aging of the boomers then we do. My take is that the song is not about being 64 but the song is about the sustaining of relationships. The lyrics are about how to keep love alive and the need we have to know that the relationship we are in is the correct one for us.

I had an interesting conversation the other day with three young colleagues (two men and one woman), it was after school and they were talking about how to know if a relationship was good and what they could do to maintain. I was asked my views and I suspect they thought that they thought with the wisdom of age I would have the answer. Sorry to disappoint but we as boomers value relationships, but many of us are not good at keeping them. All I could talk about is the following:

The idea is that we need to be honest to our selves about what we want and what we need, at an emotional, physical, and intellectual level. To find out what we need requires hard thought, and self investigation and is not something that is done easily. However, once you have spent the time and energy to find these things about yourself then be honest and communicate using "I language" to your partner what you need. It may be that your partner cannot give you what you need at this time in your life. If this is the case move on. This is easy to say but hard to do, however if you want to be happy then you may have to make tough decisions about the type of relationship you want.

Back to the Beatles, I saw the Beatles when they came to Vancouver in the 60's and enjoyed the show and love their music still today. Boomers may hold on to old memories but we find ways to make them come alive today. Music was an important part of my life and I will talk about this in a later post.