Fathers and Sons

My father was killed in an accident when I was in my early 20's and I never was able to resolve the disputes that fathers and sons face as boys become teens and then men. As a teen, my father and I at times, did not see eye to eye on many issues, and as I think back I realize that on some of these he was correct and on others I probably was correct.

Sudden death of a parent or a partner is unsettling, and can have long term affects on a person. When my father was killed I did not know about the stages of grieving and went through the stages with my wife whose support was strong and needed. One of the interesting things that occurred at the time of his death, is that as the oldest son, the role of what I had to do was well defined by my mothers family.  I was lucky that both my Dad's family and my Mothers family guided me at the time and allowed me to make it through this time by falling into traditional roles and expectations.

Because of the expectations given to me, by my Aunts and Uncles, I was able to handle the role. Fitting into the role, helped me through some of the steps in the grieving process, but during this time I was not a nice person to those that wanted to help and support me. For that I am sorry, but what we go through shape who we later become and working through the anger and pain then helped me later in life.

So as you think of your parents both Fathers and Mothers enjoy the time you have with them, and embrace the feelings that you have for each other. As we grow older, many of our generation, will start to loose their parents and loved ones, and my wish is that you are able to resolve any and all issues that you have with each other in a meaningful manner.

As our parents become seniors, they may have a need to tell their story, I hope you take the time to listen and cherish your parents story as it is also part of your story.

How do you make decisions about change

I was thinking about changes as I wrestled with a problem a while back, and realized that I had to make a decision between two types of change offered to me. The first was an incremental change that would cause a small shift in process and procedures, but would not cause any radical shift to occur.

The change although small would however, take the group I was making the decision for in a different direction but this would be done over time. Slow change is comfortable, easy to get used to and not a shock to the mind or body and easy to handle especially in these unsettled times.

The other change was a more dramatic shift, dealing with unknowns and would cause the group to change more quickly. This type of change is unsettling, can be dramatic and is unsettling. When I was younger there would have been no hesitation on my part, I would have gone for the dramatic change and not even thought too long about it. However, as I mature, (not grow older) I had to think carefully about how my decision would influence and affect others, perhaps I am getting more empathetic as I become wiser :-0, who knows.

The decision was not easy and I spend a great deal of time weighing pros and cons, examining possible consequences, and went through some not sleepless, but restless nights. I finally made the same decision I would have made in my youth, and who knows where the path will lead. 

I am comfortable in the decision and comfortable with the change that will happen. Being successful relies in part on making wise decisions and part of doing that is relying on good information. With maturity I took the time to weigh all possible options, however I made the decison based on my first instinct. The process was interesting, and helped me realize that over time my first instinct still is as sharp as it was when I was younger. So I still think going with your first instincts can make sense. My question how do you make decisions and are you comfortable with the results of the decisions?

How do you frame your decisions?

Life should have more meaning, but there are always something holding you back, and you find it difficult to break through the obstacles as they are stacked against you. Compile a list of some of the important changes you'd like make in your life and  and then list the reason you are not making these changes.

Some people when asked to make a decision, use words which lead them in a certain direction. They do this without realizing they are limiting themselves.
For example: I'd like to spend more time with my family, but I am too (fill in your own but or check off one of these:)
__ tired
__travel to much for work
__have too much work after hours.
__list your but here:

I'd like to eat better, but I'm ......
I'd like to read more, but I .....

Now go back to each item and replace the word but with the word and. Then add the following phrase and fill it out So I need to......

I'd like to spend more time with my family, and I travel a lot for my job. So I need to ....
I'd like to eat better, and I'm surrounded at work by sugary snacks. So I need to ....
I'd like to read more, and I rarely have time when I can sit down with a book. So I need to ....
Exchanging and for but moves you to a different mind set, my wife (an English teacher would say)" it's grammar's way of saying, "deal with this."

Take a Sabbath to help you find a way from but to and

Select one day a week and stop working; don't answer your email, ignore your voice mail, turn off your phone, use the day for rest, peace, reflection and a time to find or re find the balance missing from your life.

We sometimes need to take  important punctuation marks in busy lives, religious folks call this the Sabbath, and do this every 7 days.

However you can take the day arbitrarily and if used wisely your day can give you the same sense of peace. When you do this you have to work hard to ignore those who will say to you, you are just using a day to be lazy and not do anything. Tell them they are incorrect, you are actually helping your mind refresh, renew and you are searching to find a way from but to and.

More on what drives the boomers

As am early boomer, I have some ideas on what drives us, I have talked about this before and believe that as we understand the boomers we will start to recognize changes that will happen in our society. As the boomers go, so goes society.

 Baby Boomers, between 1946 and 1960, are in their mid 50's a dangerous age. The oldest is 66, (soon to be 67) the youngest 52 with the medium age 56. At the beginning of the century those older than 50 controlled 80% of the personal wealth.  We still do.

By understanding the Baby Boomers you will have a sense of what will be happening in our society over the next few years and why I am hopeful that the promise of the "just society" will return for our grandchildren.
1. The home is still seen as a sanctuary from the outside world and while many of us are in shock because we or friends lost their home, we still need our home to be our sanctuary, and our anger at those who have stolen our sanctuary is growing.
2. The average boomer worked at least 49 hours a week in 2001 compared to 40 hours in the 1960's. Time becomes very precious and as we watch our wealth decline we are inclined to work longer and smarter, as a result we are very aware and very unforgiving of those being wasteful with our tax dollars.
3. As a group, we believe in the youth, so as we mature we will fight the aging process.
4. Concern for the environment, and the ecology which had its roots in the 60's is alive and growing today, and many of the Boomers feel embarrassed that our Government (Canada) withdrew from helping the environment and that our government is a servant of the tar sands.
5. With less disposable income, people still want quality so even with less income, we still demand quality
6. Baby boomers are getting others to do the more routine tasks for them if they can afford to do this.
7. Once the first group of baby boomers pay off their mortgages they will have more disposable income. They will use this income on personal items. Sports such as golf will be very popular.
8. As career and ambition mature, baby boomers will become more concerned about family. The traditions of the 50's are coming back into style. People will spend more time with their families.
9. Baby boomers want to be the same but different than other generations and will work hard to be different.
10. Affordability Not all us are rich. Government taxes, the cost of living, and other life pressures will force us to either go into more debt or cut back on spending and look for the bargains.

Based on the latest stats, many of us are choosing to go deeper into debt, but as the majority get closer to retirement, the spending spree should start to slow down. We will be less tolerant of wasteful spending at all government levels, but we will still demand good health care and a strong pension program.