Is life unfair or full of possibilities?

Many people believe that life is unfair and they are treated badly by life. That is a viewpoint that I understand but reject. I believe that life is full of possibilities and one of the greatest things about life is that we don't know absolutely everything. 

Life gives us a lifetime to learn, grow, stretch and become better than we were before. Life is not easy and life throws roadblocks in our way, and we have to figure out how to overcome them.

The latest pandemic is an example of how life throws us a curve. The pandemic has given us the opportunity to learn and grow. As we face the virus some societies have decided to attack it as individuals and some have decided to attack it collectively, all working together in a common direction.

Life is like that, when we are given roadblocks sometimes, we overcome them as individuals, sometimes we do it as a collective. Life allows us to make our dreams come true if we are lucky, work hard and believe in them. Life allows us to put limits on ourselves or to take those limits off. The choice is ours, which is wonderful. 

Life gives us the opportunity to start creating worlds simply with thought. As we create our worlds with our thoughts, by turning our thoughts into words, and then our words turn into deeds and finally our deeds turn into our reality, we know that life is unfolding just exactly as it should. 

What's your favourite thing about being, besides the fact it is better than the alternative? 

Ways to connect as we open up

Here are nine ways to connect with seniors whether they’re happy and bored or feeling lonely and anxious.

Pick up the phone

Phone calls, from sons, daughters, siblings’, grandchildren, or friends, are having a wonderful effect on seniors. Getting an impromptu call or scheduling one in advance helps loved ones get the social connection that happened naturally before the pandemic from family visits.

Make a video call

Thanks to technology, some families were already connecting using video call apps like Skype, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Google Hangouts or Zoom.

Connect seniors with their peers

Help connect your parents with their peers or community groups outside the family. Is there a fellow resident or friend whose company your mom enjoys? A church or other community group your dad is especially missing? Many community groups have gone online.

Host a family dinner or game night online

Many families have arranged to have dinner together online to enjoy the social time they’re craving. If the senior in your life likes playing games organize a video call to play together. Try games such as charades, 20 questions, karaoke or trivia.

Connect Mom to a friendly voice

Seniors can get additional support and enjoying friendly chats with volunteers thanks to the many volunteer programs available to seniors. In BC if you are a senior who wants someone to talk, you can call 211, or if you want to volunteer to talk to a senior call 211.  All across Canada  seniors at high risk of feeling isolated are also getting daily calls from qualified volunteers, who reach out to proactively help those in need.

Set goals together

If you have a loved one who’s well, consider setting mini-goals together, such as doing something physically active each day to boost the release of endorphins. Seniors who are self-isolating at home, can stretch, perform stand-up-sit-downs or lift makeshift weights (such as soup cans or books). Or set a goal where you both agree to reach out to friends you haven’t spoken to in a while, then check-in and share how those calls went. If your parent is accustomed to using a computer, you could both look at online tours together. Whenever you can give someone an incentive to think positively and focus on actions they can take to stay well, it can be helpful. It helps create a sense of control and purpose when so much is beyond our control right now.

Change your opening

If asking your loved one how they’re doing is sending you both into a downward spiral on every call, consider changing the opening question. For example, you could say something like this: This is a challenging time for everyone, but reflecting on what we are grateful for, and what we are appreciating about our day, can spark a more positive conversation. You could ask, “What are five things that went well in your day today?” The answer doesn’t matter as much as the positive feelings and thoughts that come from intentionally looking at what’s going well, in spite of tough circumstances.

Validate feelings

If your loved one is feeling very concerned, afraid or worried, let them express those feelings. If you shut them down, some of us may become withdrawn thinking no one wants to listen. Remind yourself and your loved one that this is a challenging time for society and humankind. It’s OK to feel however they’re feeling. If they’re upset during a call, give them space without trying to problem-solve.  Validate their feelings, and then share some of yours to connect over common ground.

Arrange an outdoor visit

My wife and I are going to visit her aunt this week and we are going to do a chat with her from the balcony (weather permitting. Families who have gathered at a safe distance in parking lots to serenade their loved ones on their birthdays get a big lift from these expressions of love.

Death Doula or End of Life Doula

My sister-in-law works in Palliative Care, and the other day we were talking about helping people who were dying, and she said she could quit Nursing and take up that occupation, which she said not many were doing. My Neice just died and as the family works through their grieve and mourning, I found this information on the role of the Death Doula.

I was ready Ronnie Bennetts's blog "Time Goes By" and her post was Where do you want to die?". The title caught my attention because my Niece had chosen to die at her parent's home, not her home,, and not in a hospice. In her Blog, Ronnie talked about the fact that more people are choosing to die at home and she referenced something called a Death Dula. I looked up the term as I had not heard it before.

 According to the Internet, A Death Doula is a relatively new option for the dying and their families, Death Doulas began seeing a rise in popularity over the past few years. Death Doulas are hired by patients or family members when a terminal diagnosis is given and stay with that person and their family through their death and beyond.

When people are nearing the end of their lives, a Doula will visit and often sit vigil with them as they are dying. They also help patients with their will and other advanced directives.

They help people do legacy projects such as quilts, art projects, scrapbooks or writing letters to leave behind for their relatives.

Close to where I live there is a course is designed for individuals who have been or will be called upon to provide care, support and advocacy for someone who is facing the end of their life. Students develop an understanding of how the continuity of care and advocacy they provide complements the end of life care provided by the medical community and hospice palliative care workers and volunteers.

For more information about the community of practice for End of Life Doulas, please contact The End of Life Doula Association of Canada.

Why diversity can be difficult

Although most people would not consider themselves to be prejudiced, we are conditioned to categorize information and make instinctive judgements, often based on physical characteristics, when determining who is in our ‘in-group’ or ‘out-group’.

These arise from prevailing societal beliefs and circumstances together with evolutionary suspicion of the unfamiliar. This is done, by many without thinking and is called unconscious bias. The concept of unconscious bias relates to beliefs and intentions which are shaped by society, upbringing and environments. They are often deeply ingrained, automatic and can create ‘blind spots’ which affect behaviour. We all have unconscious biases, and while in most cases they will fall short of overt discrimination, they may nonetheless result in unconsciously favouring a person of a particular demographic.

Cultural stereotypes can register on the brain in one-fifth of a second, but can take a lot of time to overcome. Someone who we initially consider to be in our ‘out-group’ will have to do a lot more to overcome our initial judgements, unless we consciously try to create a more egalitarian environment.

We have to work at minimizing our biases with the ultimate aim to assess another person based entirely on their skills and abilities, ignoring any assumptions about the demographic to which they belong to. This cycle can be very difficult to break, but the first step in reducing the impact of unconscious biases is to recognize them and spend time developing a greater awareness of them. Some ways to help this include:

·       Being conscious of implicit biases when evaluating performance, making a hire, or nominating a team member for promotion.

o   An awareness of the potential biases involved in decision making means people are less likely to lean on mental shortcuts and make them more  aware of the potential biases involved in the decision.

·       Engaging with diverse groups of people.

o   Working with individuals of different groups is one of the most effective ways of breaking down reliance on assumptions, biases and stereotypes

·       Reflecting on personal values, cultural norms and behaviours.

o   The more we learn about ourselves, the more we are aware of how the lens we see through affects our behaviour towards other people.