The dumbest thing....

                 1.      The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2.      I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3.      2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4.      The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5.      This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6.      Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7.      Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8.      This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9.      I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12. Appropriate analogy. "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”

13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & asking for money.

14. The spread of COVID-19 is based on 2 things:

a.      How dense the population is.

b.      How dense the population is.

 

Australians with a sense of humour

 In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.

I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Australian Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang." "Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

Jokes and More jokes

 A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I keep hearing the words of The Green, Green Grass of Home - constantly ringing in my ears" The doc examines the man thoroughly, before pausing for a moment. He says "Well, sir I'm certain you have Tom Jones disease". The man asked, with an air of concern in his voice "Is this a rare condition?" to which the doc replied "It’s Not Unusual.

If you don't get going quick, they might lay you "neath the green, green grass of home".......

Next time you see the doctor just ask him ... What’s new pussycat?

What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?Trombones.

Many years ago, a smart old sculptor was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union and emigrate to the United States where his son lived.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?" Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!" The official smiled and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at JFK airport, where an American customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?" Old man:" What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The bastard! I’ll put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from having a good life." The official smiled and let him through.

When he arrived at his family’s house in Brooklyn, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: "Who is that grandpa?" Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say ‟Who is that?” say ‟What is that?” That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

How to prevent sagging?  Just eat until the wrinkles fill out. 

I've sure gotten old!    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.  Have lost all my friends. But thank God, I still have my driver's license! 

When I was about 7 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a co-worker of his, someone I didn't even know. When we got there, I stood in a corner waiting for the time to pass. 

A bitter looking man approached me and said, "Enjoy life kid, enjoy it because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it." Then he passed his hand over my head and left. 

My father, before leaving took me with him to pay honours to his friend. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. 

I was terrified of being alone. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. It was many years later when I discovered something remarkable that completely changed my life. That bastard had a twin.

 

Lie dressed as truth

Thanks to Tina for sharing this picture and the story.

I’ve always loved this painting, the story that inspired it is profound and certainly relatable to this very day.

“According to a 19th-century legend, the Truth and the Lie meet one day. The Lie says to the Truth: "It's a marvellous day today"! The Truth looks up to the skies and sighs, for the day was beautiful.

They spend a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well. The Lie tells the Truth: "The water is very nice, let's take a bath together!" The Truth, once again suspicious, tests the water and discovers that it indeed is genuinely nice.

They undress and start bathing. Suddenly, the Lie comes out of the water, puts on the clothes of the Truth, and runs away. The furious Truth comes out of the well and runs everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The World, seeing the Truth naked, turns its gaze away, with contempt and rage.

The poor Truth returns to the well and disappears forever, hiding therein its shame. Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society, because, the World, in any case, harbours no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.”

The world-famous painting is, The Truth Coming Out of the Well, by Jean-Léon Gérôme, 1896.