ENGLISH IS HARD

1.            The bandage was wound around the wound.

2.            The farm was used to produce produce.

3.           The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

3.     We must polish the Polish furniture.

4.             He could lead if he would get the lead out.

5.            The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

6.            Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

7.            A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

8.            When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

9.             I did not object to the object.

10.       The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

11.       There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

12.      They were too close to the door to close it.

13.      He coughed when the bough broke through rough handling even though he thought the slough caused sloughing.

14.      “I NEVER SAID SHE STOLE MY MONEY"

a.   This sentence has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word. This hit me like a brick. And people wonder why authors use italics and bold so readers understand what the hell is going on.

b.   I never said she stole my money.

c.    I never said she stole my money.

d.   I never said she stole my money.

e.   I never said she stole my money.

f.      I never said she stole my money.

g.    I never said she stole my money.

h.   I never said she stole my money.

             To clarify:

b.   I never said she stole my money. (Someone else did.)

c.    I NEVER said she stole my money. (I would never rat her out like that.)

d.   I never SAID she stole my money. (I merely IMPLIED that she stole my money.)

e.   I never said SHE stole my money. (I just said SOMEONE stole my money and never pointed any fingers.)

f.      I never said she STOLE my money. (She's just taking a long time about paying back that loan.)

g.    I never said she stole MY money. (She stole money, sure, but I've got no horse in this race.)

h.   I never said she stole my MONEY (But I'm pretty sure I had my car keys on my person, and now she’s sitting in my car and driving with a grin on her face. But I still have my money so I am still wealthy but carless. so that's okay?)

15.   Words are funny, Words are queer

      Words are not as they appear

              written by Jennifer Spears

More fun with English

Oddities of the English Language--thanks to Ernie for these gems.

The longest words containing only one of the six vowels including Y are the words Defenselessness, Respectlessness, close behind are Tennessee.  And subbookkeeper (Some dictionaries consider subbookkeeper to be a word, in which case it's the only word with 4 consecutive doubled letters).

  

Forty is the only number which has its letters in alphabetical order. One in the only number with its letters in reverse alphabetical order

Bookkeeper is the only word that has three consecutive doubled letters.

Despite the assertions of a well-known puzzle, modern English doe not have three common words ending in “gry.” Angry and Hungry are the only ones.

“Ough” can be pronounced in eight different ways. The following sentence contains them all.

“A rough-coated, dough-faced ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing thoughtfully.

Due do and dew seems to screw people over just as bad as they're there and their...

Ten two-letter words in a proper sentence: If it is to be, it is up to me!

There are a number of English words that are pronounced differently when you capitalize them and the term for this is Capitonyms. In English, this means words that when capitalized are pronounced differently than if they are written in small case

Polish: from Poland; written in small case the word becomes polish which means to create a shiny surface by rubbing; a compound used in that process

Reading: a personal or place name; written in small case it is reading which means to read some words

The following poem from Richard Lederer's The Word Circus is an example of the use of capitonyms:

Job's Job

In August, an august patriarch

Was reading an ad in Reading, Mass.

Long-suffering Job secured a job

To polish piles of Polish brass.

Fun with English

Lessons My Grammar Taught Me

·       A dangling participle walks into a bar.

·       Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

·       A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

·       Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

·       A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

·       A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

·       Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

·       A synonym strolls into o tavern.

·       The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

·       A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

·       The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

·       A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

·       Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

Questions My Grammar Asked Me

·       What if there were no hypothetical questions?

·       Is there another word for synonym?

·       Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

·       How is it possible to have a civil war?

·       If a parsley former is sued, can they garnish his wages?

·       If you were to eat pasta and antipasto at the same time, would you still be hungry?

Thanks to Denis O. Vaughn W. and Soren K for these gems

English is a crazy language

Over the last few years I have had the opportunity to teach ELL (English Language Learners) for fun and a small amount of remuneration through my retirement and my brother is currently tutoring students who are learning English. 

The following is dedicated to all those who find English frustrating and funnyt

We''ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes
But the plural of ox becomes oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two is a geese
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, 
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I gave you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, 
And the plural of cat is cats not cose
We speak of a brother and also of brethren
But though we say mother we never say methren
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim!

Let's face it -English is a crazy language
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger,
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple
English muffins weren't invented in England
We take English for granted
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
All but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If vegetarians eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking
English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane

In what other language do people
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck and send cargo by ship
We have noses that run and feel that smell
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the 
Same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down, 
In which you fill in a form, by filling it out
And in which an alarm goes off by going on
And in Closing, if Father is Pop, 
How come Mother is not Mop?

Author Unkown

90% Of People Can't Pronounce This Whole Poem

English is a hard language to learn, even for those born with English speaking parents. Here is another example of how hard the language is. Please Try It.

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.

After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labor to reading six lines aloud.

Dearest creature in creation, 
Study English pronunciation. 
I will teach you in my verse 
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. 
I will keep you, Suzy, busy, 
Make your head with heat grow dizzy. 
Tear in eye, your dress will tear. 
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard, 
Dies and diet, lord and word, 
Sword and sward, retain and Britain. 
(Mind the latter, how it's written.) 
Now I surely will not plague you 
With such words as plaque and ague. 
But be careful how you speak: 
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; 
Cloven, oven, how and low, 
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery, 
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, 
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, 
Exiles, similes, and reviles; 
Scholar, vicar, and cigar, 
Solar, mica, war and far; 
One, anemone, Balmoral, 
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; 
Gertrude, German, wind and mind, 
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet, 
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. 
Blood and flood are not like food, 
Nor is mould like should and would. 
Viscous, viscount, load and broad, 
Toward, to forward, to reward. 
And your pronunciation's OK 
When you correctly say croquet, 
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, 
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour 
And enamour rhyme with hammer. 
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, 
Doll and roll and some and home. 
Stranger does not rhyme with anger, 
Neither does devour with clangour. 
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, 
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, 
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, 
And then singer, ginger, linger, 
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, 
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very, 
Nor does fury sound like bury. 
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. 
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. 
Though the differences seem little, 
We say actual but victual. 
Refer does not rhyme with deafer. 
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. 
Mint, pint, senate and sedate; 
Dull, bull, and George ate late. 
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, 
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven, 
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. 
We say hallowed, but allowed, 
People, leopard, towed, but vowed. 
Mark the differences, moreover, 
Between mover, cover, clover; 
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, 
Chalice, but police and lice; 
Camel, constable, unstable, 
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal, 
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. 
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, 
Senator, spectator, mayor. 
Tour, but our and succour, four. 
Gas, alas, and Arkansas. 
Sea, idea, Korea, area, 
Psalm, Maria, but malaria. 
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. 
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian, 
Dandelion and battalion. 
Sally with ally, yea, ye, 
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. 
Say aver, but ever, fever, 
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. 
Heron, granary, canary. 
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface. 
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. 
Large, but target, gin, give, verging, 
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. 
Ear, but earn and wear and tear 
Do not rhyme with here but ere. 
Seven is right, but so is even, 
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, 
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, 
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! 
Is a paling stout and spikey? 
Won't it make you lose your wits, 
Writing groats and saying grits? 
It's a dark abyss or tunnel: 
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, 
Islington and Isle of Wight, 
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough -- 
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? 
Hiccough has the sound of cup. 
My advice is to give up!!!

(Author Unknown, posted on http://www.tickld.com/)

What is your goal, and are you reaching it?

Today some words about the word "it"and goal setting

What if you decided today to go for IT?

You are probably asking, "what is IT"?

"IT" could be any worthwhile goal:

You want to buy a home
You want a career change
You want to make more money
You want to start your own company
You want to retire early
You want to get over a health problem
You want to be a better father
You want to be a better mother
You want to break a record in sports

These are just a few examples, your "IT" could be something completely different. However, there is no doubt that you have an "IT", and that your life will change if you reach your "IT" goal.

OK, back to the question, what if you decided today to go for "IT"?

It might mean setting goals, it might mean more work, it might not be easy, it might be harder than not going for it.

But you know that your life would be better if you went for "IT" and got "IT". If you reached your "IT" goal your life would be better, you just know it, and guess what...you are right!

I challenge you right now, as you read these words to take the plunge, to make the decision right now, TO GO FOR IT!

Because it matters.

Because "IT" can change your life.

Because success is always more difficult than
mediocrity but the rewards are HUGE!

Because you CAN do it.

Get out a notepad and pencil or pen right now.

Write down an action item list. What will you need to learn to reach your IT goal, who will you need to enlist to help you? This is important...right down all of the following:

The "IT" goal. Write it down and look at it everyday. Read it aloud and visualize yourself as already reaching it. Play this visualization back in your mind every night as you go to sleep. Create an incredible movie in your mind, picture your life after reaching your "IT" goal.

Set a deadline, when will you reach your "IT" goal?

Make a list of steps you must take to reach your "IT" goal.

Make a list of people who can help you and resources you will need to help you reach your "IT" goal.

Go to bookstores or library's right away  and read books that teach you how to reach your "IT" goal.

Keep track of what is working and what is failing...remember you will learn from your failures.

Find a mentor....someone who has been successful at reaching your "IT" goal. Model yourself after that person, learn how that person became successful and copy their model. Do not reinvent the wheel. If you want to quickly reach your "IT" goal, find someone who has already done it...follow their lead, they already made many mistakes which you can learn from.

Only tell people you love such as spouse and children about your "IT" goal. They will encourage you and help you. Friends may be inclined to discourage you. Why? Because they may have an "IT" goal too, that they have never reached. What if you reach your "IT" goal...will  they be jealous?

Focus on your "IT" goal everyday until it becomes a part of who you are.

Most important of all....make the decision to go for it. The GO decision is the key....you must decide and you must decide NOW .....will you decide to go for "IT"?

The history of the English Language in 10 minutes

Brain Pickings is a wonderful site that has some quirky and interesting ideas and thoughts. I found this on their page and thought I would share it. For all of you learning to speak English and for all of us who have English as our first language this is a treat.

The history of language, that peculiar human faculty that Darwin believed was half art and half instinct, is intricately intertwined with the evolution of our species, our capacity for invention, our understanding of human biology, and even the progress of our gender politics. 

From the fine folks at Open University — who previously gave us these delightful 60-second animated syntheses of the world’s major religions, philosophy’s greatest thought experiments, and the major creative movements in design — comes this infinitely entertaining and illuminating animated history of the English language in 10 minutes:

Orange you going to read this?

My thanks to Christopher (the Onion) for these words about words. English is a tough language to learn, even for those of us born to the language sometimes despair at the complexities of the language. For all those learning English, I hope this does not confuse but helps. 

Orange is our description of oranges and orange juice. Orange you going to
read this?

They are somewhat similar to blue and blackberries, however red berries are razzberries or cherries and ‘cherry’ might just mean 'fine', 'nice', or ‘perfect’, and ‘Sherry’ might appear that way, especially after drinking it...

Apples are not ‘reds’ and could mean 'of your eye' although ‘peaches’ are fruit AND a color,
the ‘word’ itself represents one’s positive view of something thats true to one or another.

Color represents ‘fruit’ and ‘fruit’ is related to the rainbow via color; but the rainbow represents the fruits in an interesting way.

‘Reds’ are from a particular side of a war, blues are electronic cigarettes, and Pink  Unfortunately sings. ‘Blues’ are often sung by Blacks, who commonly don't like the association to the color, although it’s understandable to have a 'black' or 'white' polarized opinion here.

No ‘fowl’ intended, or ‘foul’ extended, and I don't mean 'duck', but that's what you gotta do at times to avoid being ‘floored’, which is something that can happen at the accompanied destination.

Donkeys are Horses and Asses but if we include elephants then we are talking about color again.

Reds and blue, the associated hues, in the gray area of our pink mind.

Of ‘course’ it's rather ‘coarse’, if we are on 'course' or on 'board' we could potentially be walking the plank. As most of us know that ‘boards’are rather straight,  which is oddly the opposite of happy.

And 'boards' are just ‘bored’ while they handle their 'chores', but the 'shore' is what most of us are after.

We can have a ‘sack nap’ but if you take a ‘knapsack’, 1 might just end up in the ‘slammer’.

Stammer as I might, but if I put 'up' a fight I am sure it will not be above me.

1 is the ‘one’ but they may have not ‘won’, so being first does really not matter.

My shoes are my shoes but to shoe is too ‘lose’, to set ‘loose’  what you may have been 'after'.

‘After’ is ‘thyme’, which I eat all the ‘time’, it’s the herbs that we are all ‘after’.

‘Ewe’ is not ‘you’, unless I'm talking, then its me, or 'I', but if if you say me, its 'you'.

But to me, its me, so if we agree, and we see the blue sea, we finally found what we're 'after'.

And speaking of ‘ewe’, I’m not disgusted, it’s true, but I’m ‘quite’ sure that I only wear ‘too’ ‘shoes’.

Bitches are smokes if you are in the UK, but it's derogatory in the ‘US’ (you see?); Meaning female 'dog', which is a word on its own that tends to be misused in multiple ways.

And 'cellar' is safety while 'sell her' is 'shady' and would surely bring a 'son' to ‘light’.

‘Light’ is the ‘load’ but I’m ‘spitting’ in ‘droves’ so I suppose it’s animal thing.

‘Us’ means you and I, unless 'I' speak of ‘US’; then the capitalization describes my desired 'point' of conversation; which 'I' in and of itself can range from a knife's edge to an idea's
‘fruition’ or health, although this 'exercise' is an example of the ‘fruits’ of one of my passions;

'Writing' is what I'm doing and ‘righting' is correcting...and if creative one cannot correct others written words.

We can go 'nuts' with ‘riding’ while ‘writing’ and ‘righting’, however ‘lefts’ can be fun as ‘well’.

Sometimes ‘left’ is ‘behind’, and I hope yours is fine, but of course this is part of the chatter.

Also 'nuts' does not make ‘sense’ and ‘cents’ don't make themselves even though without my 2, it does not really matter.

Words are just words but are also made of groups of bits of which 8 or 9 can be bytes and is ‘in ‘tire’ly different to the latter which is consequently, composed of  words as well, on/off math is a spell, especially when ‘pitching’ this ‘batter’ .

Speaking of 10, which is binary, 2/10 is a 'score' and that's '20 years' which simply does not make sense And playing 'some' Tetris, 'sum' ‘times’ may amuse because it rhymes but a muse should not promote laughter.

PC's are computers, but not all computers are PC's, which includes the Mac which is not a hamburger; a type of pretentious person, or a manner of eating, though not something one sees in the sea

‘Meat’ is a term, not a fish or a worm, and ‘meet’ is a place that one goes.

PC is PC, which this ‘sentence’ may not be, and a ‘sentence’ is not what this is.

I will always be free, let it ‘bee’ what it ‘be’ but I’ll ‘sting’ you while listening for free..

‘Live’ is whatever we do, ‘live’ is how we play, and ‘jive’ is what I'm doing or what I say.
Diss is a miss, a play is a kiss, which could mean ‘good’-bye in a ‘bad’ way. Dis_play is not only a visual aid, but a communication device; and further a way to explain what one may already know but not be aware of; or way to show others, sisters and brothers that 'nothing', or 'something' has ‘blocked’ their way.

Being 'a_head' isn't necessarily in front, unless its a line at the ballgame or 'bar' of which the meanings are far, so obscenely ‘bizarre’ but thats where one goes ‘by’ to buy’ things.

And while at the bizarre, picking up my ‘Sit’_ar I imagine I would most likely be standing;

And since I could be at a bar getting barred while in the 'head' from talking nonsense like this, thoughts out of my head may be reasonable‘instead’, but the ‘stead’ could just be a good ‘horse’. ‘Hoarse’ is what I may get if I stay on my ‘course’, if I talk ‘instead’ of just ‘writing’.

Moving forward; 'know' and 'now' are particularly convoluted, which oddly enough is
somewhat a mate between 'con' and 'looted', which doesn't 'quite' make sense unless one
remains suddenly 'muted’.

And while we 'might' understand this, 'might' ’might' be the difference between winning and losing the battle. and ‘wood’ ‘would’ most probably be understood as a ’loss' involving a chainsaw.

So the liquid we chose to make ‘hour’ forest grow might ask ‘Water’ we doing here?

‘May’ is a month, a question of such, but a month might just make me dafter.

So, without assuming, which is a ‘mis_take’, we can resume our day to day, after distributing our ‘resume’, in a 'fashion' that would most ‘Shirley’ make the 'seasoned' ‘tailor’ we
call 'Taylor', our 'Shure' vehicle for escape. 

BTW- This is all ‘obvious’ as real and ‘odd it is’ but I really felt something today. and ‘Shure’ is a microphone so leave me alone  if you only have something negative to say...

You think English is easy?

This may prove you wrong!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor dog in the hotdog, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?