The Trucker and His Emu

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again, the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

'Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

Sex and good grammar

An oldie but a goldie.

On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.  The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.  The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is powerful medicine.   You take only a teaspoonful, and then say:  '1-2-3.'   When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:  “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."   

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.  When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:  "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.  His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked:  "What was the 1-2-3 for?"   

And that, boys and girls is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.  We could end up with a dangling participle.

 

Priceless

My thanks to George for this one.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

Time for some humour

A blonde guy goes to the big football game, he has great seats on the 50-yard line, 8 rows up, perfect. Just before kickoff, he hears someone behind him yelling, "Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!" He turns around and misses the kickoff! A short while later, just as the quarterback throws a long bomb, the same guy starts yelling, "Hey Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!!" Again, he turns around and again he misses the play This goes on for every big play. He hears the guy shouting, "Hey Arnold, look up here!" He turns around and misses the play. Finally, fuming mad, he turns around, pulls out his binoculars and scans the crowd for the guy doing all the yelling. He eventually spots him, after missing yet another big play. He runs up the stands, nearly to the top of the stadium. Pulls the guy out into the aisle, picks him up by the lapels and shouts, "Shut-up, my name isn't Arnold!!"

Do "good things really come to those who wait"?? I personally suspect they are just the leftovers from the people who got there first.

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%?

Well, here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If the letters of the alphabet A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z were represented as numbers: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 2122 23 24 25 26 then:

H - A - R - D - - W - O - R - K

would be:

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K - N - O - W - L - E - D - G - E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but,

A - T - T - I - T - U - D - E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

however - -

B - U - L - L - S - H - I - T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A - S - S - K - I - S - S - I - N - G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%.

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While, hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, attitude will get you there, it's Bullshit & Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over. "Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay upfront?" Hey, it worked!!....there was plenty of room for me upfront... :o)

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I've been told that your memory is the first thing to go as you grow older. Can anyone remember what they said was after that?

My dog and the rabbit

So I woke up My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbour's kids raise blue-ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. 

So, I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbours could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. 

I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbours screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? 

They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number

My friend David has is id stolen, now he is only Dave

And FINALLY

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here?’

‘My car has a flat tire,’ I said calmly.

‘Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?’

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him,

‘Hell000000, those are my emergency flashers!’

New Kid on the Block

Three bulls heard the farmer was bringing another bull onto the farm. This caused much concern amongst the bulls who had been on the farm for a long time. They were not willing to give up any of what they considered to be rightfully theirs. As the time for the new kid on the block to arrive the three bulls had a conversation about how to deal with, the new arrival.

First Bull: "I've been here for five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all of my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, ...you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest Brahman bull they've ever seen. At 3,600 lbs, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. The three bulls watched the trailer and then turned to each other and after a pause of about 2 minutes, the conversation continued as follows:

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "He can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Decades I have lived in:

As James Taylor said in a song, I have seen Fire and I've seen rain, but I always thought I would see you again.  As we move to the last few weeks of 2020 here is a list of songs that are for all the people who have lost loved ones during this incredibly sad year.

Decades I have been alive in 

The:

1940s

1950s

1960s

1970s

1980s

1990s

2000s

2010s

Early 2020

March to May 2020

June to July 2020

August to September 2020

October to November 2020

Music can help us through this decade of 2020. Here is a link to the 50 + songs about death and dying, some are sad, some are happy and some are calming. 

The Saddest songs about death according to Google

1.          “Tears In Heaven” by Eric Clapton.

2.          “I'll Be Missing You” by Diddy, Faith Evans,

3.          “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion` 

4.          “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day. 

5.          “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor.

6.          “Hurt” by Johnny Cash. 

7.          “Whiskey Lullaby” by Brad Paisley and Alison Kraus.

8.          "Angel” by Sarah McLachlan 

9.          “If Tomorrow Never Comes” by Garth Brooks

10.      “Time to Say Goodbye” by Andrea Bocelli & Sarah Brightman 

11.      “Only The Good Die Young” by Billy Joel 

12.      “Spirit in the Sky” by Norman Greenbaum

13.      “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” by Bob Dylan

14.      “Dream On” by Aerosmith 

15.      “American Pie” by Don McLean 

Do you have any favourite songs you want to add to this list? 

Moving forward what changes in your life?

I asked a friend who has crossed 70 & is heading towards 80 what sort of changes he is feeling in himself? He sent me the following:

1 After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children and my friends, I have now started loving myself.

2 I have realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders.

3 I have stopped bargaining with vegetable & fruit vendors. A few pennies more is not going to break me, but it might help the poor fellow save for his daughter’s school fees.

4 I leave my waitress a big tip. The extra money might bring a smile to her face. She is toiling much harder for a living than I am.

5 I stopped telling the elderly that they've already narrated that story many times. The story makes them walk down memory lane & relive their past.

6 I have learned not to correct people even when I know they are wrong. The onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection.

7 I give compliments freely & generously. Compliments are a mood enhancer not only for the recipient but also for me. And a small tip for the recipient of a compliment, never, NEVER turn it down, just say "Thank You.”

8 I have learned not to bother about a crease or a spot on my shirt. Personality speaks louder than appearances.

9 I walk away from people who don't value me. They might not know my worth, but I do.

10 I remain cool when someone plays dirty to outrun me in the rat race. I am not a rat & neither am I in any race.

11 I am learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. It’s my emotions that make me human.

12 I have learned that it's better to drop the ego than to break a relationship. My ego will keep me aloof, whereas, with relationships, I will never be alone.

13 I have learned to live each day as if it's the last. After all, it might be the last.

14 I am doing what makes me happy. I am responsible for my happiness, and I owe it to myself. Happiness is a choice. You can be happy at any time, just choose to be!

I decided to share this with all my friends. Why do we have to wait to be 60 or 70 or 80, why can't we practice this at any stage and age?

I borrowed this. I don't know who to credit it to, but thank you!

The 'Middle Wife

The following was written by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher and shows how children see the world and how teachers capture memories every day in their class rooms.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model air planes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Did I read that sign right?

 TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy! 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
See if that works better than a fair trial!
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
********************************************************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
**********************************************************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
***********************************************************************************************
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*********************************************************************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile... (maybe even a chuckle).

 

A bedtime Story

 Bedtime story time Thanks to BJ for the story

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round:

She says. "I played on my college's golf team.
I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say. "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says. "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her. "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." She replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says. "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says. "That's why I was fifteen minutes late

  

Some jokes for my grandson with a story as well.

Q. Why do amoebas get their own room when they go to prison?

They are single-cell organisms

Why did the florist refuse to place flowers on the graves? He was afraid that he too might end up “pushing daisies”.

Q. If people were rent my house and they wanted to keep some pet ants, how many could they keep?

Ten ants
I before e except after c has been disproved by science

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

“What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered.

He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:

“There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said

“Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him

“There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The pig sympathized but said

“I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said

“There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said

“Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.

But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died. So many! people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn’t concern you,

Remember: when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life.

Some dad jokes for my grandson

Today, my grandson asked "Can I have a book Mark?" and I burst into tears. 10 years old and he still doesn't know my name is grandad.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"

"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."

"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."

"I don't trust the stairs. They're always up to something."

"What do you call someone with nobody and no nose? Nobody knows."

"Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."

"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."

"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."

"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."

"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."

"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."

"What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"

Never Bulla Shita you Mama

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

Moral: Never Bulla Shita you Mama

As I get older I realize that

1. I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don‘! need anger management. I need people to stop
pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that
needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.
Now it's like a mini-vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about

3. Even duct tape can't fix stupid. but it can muffie the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes: come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

10. "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

Did you play 36 holes of golf today?

Thanks to George for this old gem. 

It will be a few more months until the golf season is here, but this brings back some memories and hopefully will bring you a smile.

Wife

--"Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon."

Husband

--"I'm so sorry Honey....but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife --"I want the truth and I want it NOW!"

Husband --"Fine. We finished in under 4 hours; a quick beer in the Clubhouse. I hopped into the car and would have been here by 12 noon but on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire.

I changed it in a jiffy, and next, she's offering me money. Of course, I refuse it, then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop by so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes.

Before you know it, one beer turned into three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other.

Then she tells me she has a room right there at the Sheraton, less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.

Now I'm in her room...clothes are flying...the talking stopped and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours because before I know it, the clock says 5:30. I jump up, throw my clothes on, run to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth... You got it.

Wife --"Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------- -- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ---------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ----- Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------------------U Gogh

His magician uncle ----------------------------------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------- -- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach ---------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ---------------------------------Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ------------------------------ Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------- -- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew --------------------------------- -- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------- -- Go Gogh

The brother with low back pain -------------------- --Lum Bay Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling. . .. there ya Gogh

A Stunning Senior Moment

Thanks to Larry for the reminder that inter-generational conflicts are irrational and unnecessarily divisive...

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear; 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, a man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing. technologies, ...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, ‘You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, son, what are YOU doing for the next generation?'

Cue the applause

You just gotta love old AND young people!

Its almost Friday

New dog crossbreeds

Collie + Lhasa Apse

Callaoso. a dog folds up for easy transport.

Pointy: + Setter

Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas gift.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso

Peekasso. an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel

Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air

Terrier + Bulldog

Terribull, not a good dog.

Bloodhound + Labrador

Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute +Pointer

Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Collie +Malamute

Commute a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier

Derriere, a dog that is true to the end.

This is a genuine Ad from 1964 when WD-40 was first released. If you don't read anything else today this one just might make you laugh out loud.

Do you Have

TIGHTNUTS

or

A RUSTY TOOL?

then use

WD 40

In the MAN SIZE

PRESSURE PACK

STANDS 9" HIGH 1.5 " DIAM

·       Makes old tools like new again

·       Tools slide in and out with ease

·       Lubricates dry passageways

·       Makes screwing a pleasure

·       Gives better penetration

BUY SOME TRY SOME

KEEP A SPARE PACK IN YOUR CAR FOR EMERGENCIES

WD 40 ITS GOOD STUFF

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light In downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of

the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know

who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off".

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window looks back at

Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that

sound cross enough?