What is a developmental opportunity?

The following is from a newsletter I receive called Resistance-Free Change newsletter and I thought it was interesting and could help you with the small steps one has to take to find, love and trust yourself again as we all look forward to a wonderful 2011

Developmental opportunities are a situation, relationship, condition that puts pressure on you to develop your:

 Skills - so you can take more powerful, courageous actions in the world

• Character - so you can more completely and authentically express your gifts
• Consciousness - so you can resolve obstacles in ways that promote greater personal integration and collective solidarity

 It's an experience that comes into your life unbidden (at least as far as your conscious mind is concerned). It pushes, challenges, and causes you to grow in ways that you never anticipated, and it is an experience that you do not usually like to be in, while you are learning from it.

It's a full court press that corners your soul and demands that you dig deep to bring forth untapped resources and unexpressed ways of being in the world and many times during this opportunity, you want to chuck in the towel, and give in. While it's happening, a developmental opportunity causes more gnashing of teeth and shedding of tears - than outpourings of gratitude. But, when you're through it - you'll see that it was happening for you, not to you

It's only when you're on the tail end of the process, when the learning's have been integrated, that you're able to appreciate and recognize the value you've gained.

My question is . . . why wait?
Why wait until the end of the process to appreciate it?
Why grit your teeth and struggle through, when you could, with a bit more clarity, move through the developmental process with greater ease?

You don't need positive thinking to accomplish this move. You simply need to change your perspective from seeing what is happening to you in order to see what is happening for you.

Complete this exercise:
Identify your developmental opportunity:

Complete these phrases:
This event is happening for me so that I can develop the courage to . . .

And develop the skills to . . .

Thoughts on New Years Resolutions

I dont' make resolutions in the new year, IM any people do, however, make resolutions and succeed at them, but many others make the resolutions and by March have failed to meet them. I think it is important to have something to aim for in the new year, new goals are useful for us as we proceed. In order to meet our goals I thought the following advice from the The Art of Money Getting or Golden Rules for Making Money by PT Barnum, might help. The language is a bit dated, but his thoughts are as true today as when he wrote them.

PERSEVERE

When a man is in the right path, he must persevere. I speak of this because there are some persons who are "born tired;" naturally lazy and possessing no self-reliance and no perseverance. But they can cultivate
these qualities, as Davy Crockett said: "This thing remember, when I am dead: Be sure you are right, then go
ahead."

It is this go-aheaditiveness, this determination not to let the "horrors" or the "blues" take possession of you, so as to make you relax your energies in the struggle for independence, which you must cultivate.

How many have almost reached the goal of their ambition, but, losing faith in themselves, have relaxed their energies, and the golden prize has been lost forever.

It is, no doubt, often true, as Shakespeare says:  "There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune."

If you hesitate, some bolder hand will stretch out before you and get the prize. Remember the proverb of Solomon: "He becometh poor that dealeth with a slack hand; but the hand of the diligent maketh rich."

Perseverance is sometimes but another word for self-reliance. Many persons naturally look on the dark side of life, and borrow trouble. They are born so. Then they ask for advice, and they will be governed by
one wind and blown by another, and cannot rely upon themselves. Until you can get so that you can rely upon yourself, you need not expect to succeed.

I have known men, personally, who have met with pecuniary reverses, and absolutely committed suicide, because they thought they could never overcome their misfortune. But I have known others who have met more serious financial difficulties, and have bridged them over by simple perseverance, aided by a firm belief that they were doing justly, and that Providence would "overcome evil with good." You will see this illustrated in any sphere of life.

Take two generals; both understand military tactics, both educated at West Point, if you please, both equally gifted; yet one, having this principle of perseverance, and the other lacking it, the former will succeed in his profession, while the latter will fail. One may hear the cry, "the enemy are coming, and they have got cannon."

"Got cannon?" says the hesitating general.

"Yes."

"Then halt every man."

He wants time to reflect; his hesitation is his ruin; the enemy passes unmolested, or overwhelms him; while on the other hand, the general of pluck, perseverance and self-reliance, goes into battle with a will, and, amid the clash of arms, the booming of cannon, the shrieks of the wounded, and the moans of the dying, you will see this man persevering, going on, cutting and slashing his way through with unwavering determination, inspiring his soldiers to deeds of fortitude, valor, and triumph

Seniors get a boost reading bad news about the youth: Study

By Dr Ananya Mandal, MD
Posted in the THE MEDICAL NEWS September 3, 2010

from News-Medical.Net - Latest Medical News and Research from Around the World


If you read the following study, you could get the impression that seniors like to read bad news about youth, but I would argue that the study is too small to have any merit. The only item in this story that is worth mentioning is that "people are not just neutral processors of information. They have a lot of biases in their selection."  I am not sure how the researcher made the leap from reading negative news to getting more self esteem out of the news, unless there is more to the data then is reported.

New research shows that the elderly prefer to read bad news about the youth. This is possibly because it makes them feel better about themselves say researchers.

Study author Silvia Knobloch-Westerwick, an associate professor at Ohio State University's School of Communication says, “The more time they spent with negative news about young people, the higher self-esteem they reported. They may get some self-esteem boost out of this.” She said that young people, when given the choice, would rather read about people their own age and are not very interested in stories about their elders, whether the articles are positive or negative. She concludes from this study that people “are not just neutral processors of information. They have a lot of biases in their selections.” The findings appear in the September issue of the Journal of Communication. (Italics mine)

For the study the Knobloch-Westerwick and co-researcher Matthias R. Hastall, a PhD student at Zeppelin University in Friedrichshafen, Germany recruited 178 young people (aged 18 to 30) and 98 older people (aged 50 to 65) and asked them to read news stories online. The participants were able to choose which stories they wanted to read. The stories included “human interest” ones that focused on a specific person. The idea was to study the preference for stories that were about bad things happening to non-celebrities (losing a malpractice suit, for instance) or good things (winning a malpractice suit). Each participant was given a limited amount of time to look over either a negative or positive version of 10 pre-selected articles. Each article was paired with a photograph depicting someone of the older or younger age group. Each story focused on one person, but there were two versions -- one that had a positive spin and the other a negative one. The study participants were offered just one of the two versions.


In addition, participants were told they would not have time to read all the stories and were instructed to click on the ones they found interesting. The participants were given a random mix of positive and negative stories about both younger and older people. Older participants were more likely to choose negative articles about younger people, but did not show a stronger preference for either positive or negative stories about people in their own age group.

As explanation to this trend researchers say that the society tends to assign older people to a lower status than younger people. Looking for negative stories about the young and those with a higher status, may help older people feel better, said Knobloch-Westerwick. She said, “everybody likes to think they're better than other people in some way…If you get information that confirms that, you might like it.”

According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor who studies happiness at the University of California, Riverside, this study does not compare with other happiness studies that show that happy people “don't compare themselves to people who are worse off.” Lyubomirsky added, “They feel good about themselves, and they don't need it. It's like putting someone down to make yourself feel better.”

According to Knobloch-Westerwick this study throws light on how people decide what to read. She said, “We think people are rational and they use the news to stay up to date as part of the democratic process…But a lot of other factors play a role. You like to see your own group do well, and get a self-esteem boost out of it.”

Continuation of Ian's Thoughts

The Buddha talked about illusion. We perceive the world through our senses, but the senses are conditioned and constrained by our beliefs, so we can only receive a narrow stream of information.

Tom and his children live in a garage.

Is Tom a bad father? Does he gamble away his salary? Is he too lazy to work? Does he get a job then get sacked because he has a bad temper? Is he abusive  towards his children? Does he resent the fact that his buddies go out every night and he has to stay home with the kids? Does Tom believe he and his children deserve no better? Should Welfare come and take his children away?

True story. When I was a kid, one of my school buddies lived in a garage.

His mother had died, and there were no family to help with the kids.

My buddy's father worked two jobs to send his three kids to the second-top private school in Adelaide (capital of South Australia), where my dad sent me (and my dad had to get a second job as well to pay fees). And could only afford to rent a garage.

All we can say for sure is that my buddy and his family lived in a garage, because anything else is illusion that we are laying over the bare facts -why didn't Tom send his three kids to public school and buy a house, for
instance.

I think it's impossible to live without illusion, because without it, the world is incomprehensible. On a mechanistic level, our senses filter and approximate input so that we can deal with the massive amount of
information  tumbling down on us every second. This works fine, but optical illusions (for example) show that our senses are constantly creating illusory  representations of real-world data.

At a higher level, children operate though uninformed illusion. Loud noise = danger = be scared of loud noises. Distorted faces = danger/anger = be scared of people with facial injuries. Fast movement = threat = be scared of dogs jumping up.

Even the Buddhist statement that all creatures desire compassion and kindness is illusory. It just happens to be the most productive illusion, since it intends no harm to any creature. It's a nice convergence with
evolution, too, as it parallels the notion that creatures adapt for survival, and that social creatures (such as ourselves) only survive optimally if we extend compassion and kindness to each others.

So, I agree that it's neccessary to "look inside", but that looking needs to  examine our illusions about ourselves and the world, and to discover whether  they are productive. "Compulsive helpers" will often justify their actions on the basis of altruism, even when those actions are detrimental to those they profess to help - such people need to hear "but it *is* all about you", and to examine the illusion that they are somehow uniquely called to set  the world to rights.

In the worst case, illusion leads to fanaticism, and we've got so many  examples from history (and right now) that I don't need to list them.

Is the statement "all is illusion" an illusion in itself?

Try this "we believe what we believe because that belief solves more problems than it creates".

Values

There are many human instincts which have been finely tuned over the centuries. They revolve around man's desire to know himself and to cherish his values. They do not depend on mental acuity or sophisticated social systems for they deal with the part of our consciousness which is not exclusively interested in, or satisfied by mere survival. Instead, they are concerned with needs and desires which exist within each of us, in addition to, and in spite of the disabled condition in which we find ourselveve

We sometimes find ourselves shying away from moving into this awareness of I am.   Our limited ways of thinking may bind us, but they are a comfortable, familiar bondage that lets us always think we know who and what we are, simply by asserting a verb or adjective after the I am.   Nevertheless, just because something is comfortable, doesn't mean it is true or even good for us.   If it were, we could all lie around on the couch every day watching mindless sitcoms while eating potato chips and drinking milkshakes (ahem, well, maybe some do!).   

So if we lose who we are, do we lose our sense of values? The curse of memory loss is offset by the gift of being forced to go to essence. Your self-worth, your legitimacy, your self-image emanate from integrity, your integrity, the essence quality of your being. We all bellieve thjat we are a person of integrity who grapples with the truth, even and especially the devastating truth of memory loss, of uncertainty about seizures, of inability to easily sequence and focus, of a body wired with damaged receptors and transmitters, of a healing body and mind that lose ground as they heal. Clearly, comfort does not always equal health--whether mental, physical or spiritual.  

 Your instincts are still intact, perhaps buried under denial and incapacitated by fear. Ultimately you will have to rely heavily on them to guide you. With knowledge, understanding and self-acceptance you can begin to trust in your basic instincts again and find the courage to build and shape a new reality.

Growth is painful, almost all the time, but when we suffer memory loss or loss of self, we are given a new chance to rebuild our life throuigh a series of small painful steps.

Alzheimers

I have an old friend who is suffering from this disease, and I am sad that he is starting to lose his sense of who he is and is memory.  The Alzeimers Society of Canada has some good information and if you know someone who is or think you know someone who is suffering  you should take a look at their website. I had not thought very much about the disease as I did not know anyone who was suffering from it--out of sight out of mind. Howwever here is some information about this disease.

Alzheimer's disease is a progressive, degenerative disease of the brain, which causes thinking and memory to become seriously impaired. It is the most common form of dementia. (Dementia is a syndrome consisting of a number of symptoms that include loss of memory, judgment and reasoning, and changes in mood, behaviour . My friend is getting worse and his son is now at home to look after him, he has trouble remembering people but for the most part he still has his sense of humour and love of lilfe. Many who suffer this disease do not.

The Alzheimer Society has developed the following list: of warning signs, so use the link at the bottom to get more informationi if you know someone who may have a number of the following signe.

Memory loss that affects day-to-day function
It's normal to occasionally forget appointments, colleagues' names or a friend's phone number and remember them later. A person with Alzheimer's disease may forget things more often and not remember them later, especially things that have happened more recently.

1. Difficulty performing familiar tasks
   Busy people can be so distracted from time to time that they may leave the carrots on the stove and only remember to serve them at the end of a meal. A person with Alzheimer's disease may have trouble with tasks that have been familiar to them all their lives, such as preparing a meal.
2. Problems with language
   Everyone has trouble finding the right word sometimes, but a person with Alzheimer's disease may forget simple words or substitute words, making her sentences difficult to understand.
3. Disorientation of time and place
   It's normal to forget the day of the week or your destination -- for a moment. But a person with Alzheimer's disease can become lost on their own street, not knowing how they got there or how to get home.
4. Poor or decreased judgment
   People may sometimes put off going to a doctor if they have an infection, but eventually seek medical attention. A person with Alzheimer's disease may have decreased judgment, for example not recognizing a medical problem that needs attention or wearing heavy clothing on a hot day.
5. Problems with abstract thinking
   From time to time, people may have difficulty with tasks that require abstract thinking, such as balancing a cheque book. Someone with Alzheimer's disease may have significant difficulties with such tasks, for example not recognizing what the numbers in the cheque book mean.
6. Misplacing things
   Anyone can temporarily misplace a wallet or keys. A person with Alzheimer's disease may put things in inappropriate places: an iron in the freezer or a wristwatch in the sugar bowl.
7. Changes in mood and behaviour
   Everyone becomes sad or moody from time to time. Someone with Alzheimer's disease can exhibit varied mood swings -- from calm to tears to anger -- for no apparent reason.
8. Changes in personality
   People's personalities can change somewhat with age. But a person with Alzheimer's disease can become confused, suspicious or withdrawn. Changes may also include apathy, fearfulness or acting out of character.
9. Loss of initiative
   It's normal to tire of housework, business activities or social obligations, but most people regain their initiative. A person with Alzheimer's disease may become very passive, and require cues and prompting to become involved.

For information on diagnosis, see Getting a Diagnosis: Finding Out If It Is Alzheimer Disease.

Interesting ideas

THE FOLLOWING ARE SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH
1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . . . . . but it's still a gift.

What do you think

From the friend who sends me The Thought for the Day.

What do you think?

"Self Mastery
Within each one of us there is a master of the universe.

Not the universe out there but the inner universe of our thoughts and feelings, attitudes and actions.

Most people realise too late what awaits within and how valuable it is.

For too long we allow ourselves to be distracted and bewitched by all that is happening outside.

To be the master of your inner world is to be the master of your own destiny.

Are you going to be the master or a slave?"

Health Benefits of Kindness

Health Benefits of Kindness
from The Random Acts of Kindness Website

Numerous scientific studies show that acts of kindness result in significant health benefits, both physical and mental. Here are some key points:

• Helping contributes to the maintenance of good health, and it can diminish the effect of diseases and disorders serious and minor, psychological and physical. 
• A rush of euphoria, followed by a longer period of calm, after performing a kind act is often referred to as a helpers high, involving physical sensations and the release of the body's natural painkillers, the endorphins. This initial rush is then followed by a longer-lasting period of improved emotional well-being.
• Stress-related health problems improve after performing kind acts. Helping reverses feelings of depression, supplies social contact, and decreases feelings of hostility and isolation that can cause stress, overeating, ulcers, etc. A drop in stress may, for some people, decrease the constriction within the lungs that leads to asthma attacks.
• Helping can enhance our feelings of joyfulness, emotional resilience, and vigour, and can reduce the unhealthy sense of isolation.
• A decrease in both the intensity and the awareness of physical pain can occur.
• The incidence of attitudes, such as chronic hostility, that negatively arouse and damage the body is reduced.
• The health benefits and sense of well-being return for hours or even days whenever the helping act is remembered.
• An increased sense of self-worth, greater happiness, and optimism, as well as a decrease in feelings of helplessness and depression, is achieved.
• Once we establish an affiliative connection with someone – a relationship of friendship, love, or some sort of positive bonding – we feel emotions that can strengthen the immune system.
• Adopting an altruistic lifestyle is a critical component of mental health. 
•  The practice of caring for strangers translates to immense immune and healing benefits.
• Regular club attendance, volunteering, entertaining, or faith group attendance is the happiness equivalent of getting a college degree or more than doubling your income.

Source: Luks, Allan. The Healing Power of Doing Good: The Health and Spiritual Benefits of Helping Others. New York: iUniverse.com, 2001. Our thanks to the Niagara Wellness Council, Niagara Fall, NY, for compiling this list from Luks book. The Niagara Wellness Council may be reached by email at niagwellness@opticlick.com.

The Little Boy

by Helen Buckley
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once a little boy went to school.
He was quite a little boy
And it was quite a big school.
But when the little boy
Found that he could go to his room
By walking right in from the door outside
He was happy;
And the school did not seem
Quite so big anymore.

One morning
When the little boy had been in school awhile,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little boy.

He liked to make all kinds;
Lions and tigers,
Chickens and cows,
Trains and boats;
And he took out his box of crayons
And began to draw.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!"
And she waited until everyone looked ready.

"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make flowers."
"Good!" thought the little boy,
He liked to make beautiful ones
With his pink and orange and blue crayons.

But the teacher said "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And it was red, with a green stem.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little boy looked at his teacher's flower
Then he looked at his own flower.
He liked his flower better than the teacher's
But he did not say this.
He just turned his paper over,
And made a flower like the teacher's.
It was red, with a green stem.

On another day
When the little boy had opened
The door from the outside all by himself,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make something with clay."

"Good!" thought the little boy;
He liked clay.
He could make all kinds of things with clay:
Snakes and snowmen,
Elephants and mice,
Cars and trucks
And he began to pull and pinch
His ball of clay.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!"
And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make a dish."

"Good!" thought the little boy,
He liked to make dishes.
And he began to make some
That were all shapes and sizes.

But the teacher said "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And she showed everyone how to make
One deep dish.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little boy looked at the teacher's dish;
Then he looked at his own.
He liked his better than the teacher's
But he did not say this.
He just rolled his clay into a big ball again
And made a dish like the teacher's.
It was a deep dish.

And pretty soon
The little boy learned to wait,
And to watch
And to make things just like the teacher.
And pretty soon
He didn't make things of his own anymore.

Then it happened
That the little boy and his family
Moved to another house,
In another city,
And the little boy
Had to go to another school.

This school was even bigger
Than the other one.
And there was no door from the outside
Into his room.

He had to go up some big steps
And walk down a long hall
To get to his room.
And the very first day
He was there,
The teacher said:

"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little boy.
And he waited for the teacher
To tell what to do.
But the teacher didn't say anything.
She just walked around the room.

When she came to the little boy
She asked, "Don't you want to make a picture?"
"Yes," said the lttle boy.
"What are we going to make?"
"I don't know until you make it," said the teacher.

"How shall I make it?" asked the little boy.
"Why, anyway you like," said the teacher.
"And any color?" asked the little boy.

"Any color," said the teacher.
"If everyone made the same picture,
And used the same colors,
How would I know who made what,
And which was which?"
"I don't know," said the little boy.
.And he began to make pink and orange and blue flowers.

He liked his new school,
Even if it didn't have a door
Right in from the outside!

This is the original version of a poem by Helen Buckley. This poem was originally published in the School Arts Magazine in October 1961.

It would be nice if all of us remembered the end of the story and made our own flowers, with no regard for what others think. For all my teacher friends who encourage our children to draw their own flowers, I say keep up the good work.

If I had my life

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth
would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted
in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was
stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much
less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his
youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day
because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more
while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't
show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every
moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only
chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now
go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'
and more 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute. Look
at it and really see it ... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING
THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love
us.


Live Now. Not tomorrow. Don't put off something that will bring a good
memory to a loved one. The dishes will wait, the dusting will still be
there and I have never had a little person sneak into my home and vaccum.
Sit down with a little one and have a tea party. Make hand puppets. Build
a tent in the living room with ALL the bedcovers. Eat plenty of chocolate.

Appollo missions revisited

For those interested, a free documentary on Hulu: (Note not available in some locations, thanks to Stacy for the link and idea)


"It’s been almost four decades since the last moon landing, but you can relive them with 1989’s For All Mankind, a documentary that presents a stunning and even surprising portrait of the Apollo missions. The best part? It’s now available in its entirety (for free!) on Hulu.

Perhaps sensing the shelf life of such a program, NASA had the good sense to thoroughly tape each journey to the moon. Surprisingly, they also promptly filed this footage away, until director Al Reinert found it and
turned it into a feature-length documentary. The film, composed entirely of the NASA footage, communication recordings and astronaut interviews, provides an intimate perspective on the program and the men who flew in it. To see the actual footage—the room-size early computers, the rough-and-ready emergency fixes, the astronaut’s giddy reaction to the lunar surface (“Look at the size of that rock!”), the smoke-filled command center—is to see how amazing, dangerous and perhaps naive these missions were, and how far, indeed, we’ve come."

Lessons from goldfish

When I was young we talked about conditioning, I learned about Pavlov and his experiments with animals, and I marvelled at stories of animals such as elephants that had been conditioned to not break their chains and run away. I never believed that people could be conditioned as well, but we can, and we condition ourselves every day. Did you know that if you move a goldfish from a small fishbowl in your home and take it to a lake - he will continue to swim in the same small circle? Why? Because he has accepted the belief that if he swims farther, he's going to bump his nose. He's always done it this way. Any other way is "impossible."

I read once that goldfish can only remember for three seconds.  I thought this was an interesting fact.
Afterall, this logic makes perfect sense as to why some fish want to eat all the time. But I was not convinced so I looked it up to see if this was really true. And here's what I learned.

Goldfish, previously believed to have a memory of just a few seconds, can distinguish between different times of day and can also be taught to follow a routine, according to research. Scientists have claimed not only that Goldfish have a memory span of up to three months, but that they can also tell the time. The findings add to a growing body of evidence that fish are much more intelligent than had generally been assumed. And I know this is true for you too. I know you've got the ability be better then you are now.
Have you ever wondered why you do the things you do in the way you do them, maybe its because you have stopped questioning your beliefs.  When you question your beliefs - you question your limitations. If  your beliefs serve you - they can withstand the scrutiny. If they don't survive the questioning - it is time to drop them and replace them with beliefs that serve you.

Easier said then done, our beliefs have done us well for many years, that is how we became conditioned, it is scary to think differently, but in order to grow we have to challenge ourselves and take risks.
Examples: You may have the belief that you need money to make money. It's hard to succeed in a recession. That you will never get out of debt. That there are too many obstacles in your way to succeed at...(you fill in the blank)
Like the goldfish that has been freed to swim in the lake, you still think you are limited. Your limitation is set by your beliefs. We know know that goldfish can learn and recondition themselves, so why can't you?

The question people ask is "How can I tell for sure what I believe is true or not?" This is actually quite easy. The question to ask is simply...

"Does this belief serve me?"

It doesn't matter whether your beliefs are "true" or "false". What matters is, are they moving you TOWARD or AWAY from what you want?  If they don't serve you, now is the time to replace them with beliefs that do.

There are many people who will lead you to believe that they have the one and only answer to "how to do this". They don't have the answer as there is no one right way to do this. So the question that haunts us is how do we replace belief systems that do not serve you with belief systems that do not. I think the first step is to know yourself, love yourself and learn to trust yourself.  There are many definitions of love here are some to consider.

In the Christian faith, Saint Paul glorified love as the most important virtue of all. Describing love in the famous poem in 1 Corinthians he wrote, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." - 1 Cor. 13:4-7 (NIV)

In the Buddist faith, Adveṣa and maitrī are benevolent love. This love is unconditional and requires considerable self-acceptance. This is quite different from the ordinary love, which is usually about attachment and sex, which rarely occur without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to detachment and unselfish interest in others' welfare.

In the Islamic faith, Ishq, or divine love, is the emphasis of Sufism. Sufis believe that love is a projection of the essence of God to the universe. God desires to recognize beauty, and as if one looks at a mirror to see oneself, God "looks" at itself within the dynamics of nature. Since everything is a reflection of God, the school of Sufism practices to see the beauty inside the apparently ugly. Sufism is often referred to as the religion of Love. God in Sufism is referred to in three main terms which are the Lover, Loved, and Beloved with the last of these terms being often seen in Sufi poetry. A common viewpoint of Sufism is that through Love humankind can get back to its inherent purity and grace.

In the Jewish faith, The 20th century Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler is frequently quoted as defining love from the Jewish point-of-view as "giving without expecting to take" (from his Michtav me-Eliyahu, vol. 1).

In Matthew 22:36-40  Jesus gives two great commandments: (1) Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind; (2) Love your neighbor as yourself
 
There is no third command to love yourself. Jesus is saying, "as you already love yourself"  indicating a state of current existence, not a command. Jesus knows we already love ourselves and thereby commands us to love others with this same commitment. Many of us have move from this state of current existence, which we had when we were young to a state of current existence that precludes the idea that we already love ourselves, so we have to take small, sometimes painful steps to regain that state of existence so we can find ourselves and move ahead in life.

Teaching stories two

As the stories over lunch, flowed about how we learned our craft, I thought about when I was a student teacher, in Port Coquitlam, working with a Preston. Preston became a good friend and was a wonderful mentor to me. I was sure of myself, some might say arrogant, others might say I was caught up in my own importance. I thought I was serious, dedicated and going to change the world. I prepared my lessons I was confident in front of the students. I had learned the rule of the day for new teachers. The rule was (Do Not Smile until Christmas). The thinking at the University was that if you wanted to maintain classroom control, you had to be strict and unyielding in the use of your power.  I followed that rule in my first week of teaching the classes and I thought Preston and the other teachers were impressed.

What I did not know at the time was that I was too serious, too unyielding, and forgetting about the reason I was there, which was to reach children and help them learn, I was not there to just teach the curriculum. The first day of my second week at lunch, Preston said he wanted me to try some multimedia in the Consumer Ed class I was teaching. He had this record that he wanted me to play for the students. I wanted to preview the material, but Preston and the others said there was no need. All I needed to do was to impress on the students how serious they should take what they were about to hear and to pay close attention as Preston would test them on what they heard when I left.  Feeling full of self-importance for being given such an important task so early in my student teaching, I did what I was asked to do, and I really laid it on thick. I then put on the record. The recording was of a serious of jokes about passing gas with all of the prerequisite sound effects. The class started to laugh and I did as well.  I lost control of the class, but I did reach the students.

Preston told me after class that he believed I needed to relax and to focus on the students, which I did and I also learned to not take myself seriously either in the class or in life. One of my other classes a grade 12 accounting class was first thing in the morning and every class I had a student fell asleep about 30 minutes into the lesson, the first time it happened I woke the student up and gave him a detention at noon. After the class I talked to Preston and he told me that the young man was working two jobs to help his family and he only had classes in the morning. By noon he was finished. The young man worked  from 3 to 11 at a gas station in town and then worked from 12 to 8 at the mill but since this was his final semester and would be the first to graduate high school from his family, Preston had allowed him to sleep. Preston said that we were lucky that the young man could make it to school.  I thought about that and when I talked to the student when he came into detention, I said I would allow him to sleep but the only condition was that if he snored I would have someone wake him up.  The rest of the time I was teaching him, the student always fell asleep after about 30 minutes, and I learned that my voice had some power, but not the power to keep one awake if tired.

I was able to enjoy the time I spent with Preston as his student teacher and whenever I saw him in my professional career, I was reminded that as teachers we always have to put students first. I only regret that I never did get a copy of that record.

Teaching Stories

We were sitting after golf and the conversation drifted around to stories about how we had learned our craft, (most of us the hard way). One of the younger teachers told this story.


He was instructing his Math 10 students in his portable on a rather stormy and rainy day. As we was laying out his solution on the board, to the problem that a number of students were having difficulty with, he said he was thinking about how easily he understood the problem and how simple the solution should have looked to his students. Now my friend said he was a young teacher at the time and he believed in strong classroom discipline and control, which meant to him, not to allow students in his class to correct the teacher.

One of his students, spoke up and said quite strongly that the solution given by the teacher was wrong. My friend said he gave the student a chance to change his mind, but the student was very strong in his assertion that the teacher was wrong. Sensing that the class was getting out of control, my friend said to the student although he was entitled to his opinion, in this case, the student had to accept the logic of the teacher as the teacher had proven the solution. The student continued to argue, so my friend said he had no choice but to put the student out of the class, to maintain order. It was raining hard, so about 20 minutes later the student knocked on the door and my friend opened the door and talked to the student, and asked him if he was willing to accept the the teachers solution was he correct one, the student refused, but since it was raining hard, my friend allowed the student to get his jacket and the student stayed outside for the period.

My friend phoned the parents of the student and talked to them about their son's disrespectful behaviour in his class. The father was quite upset with the son for his behaviour but more upset that his son had disrupted the class by knocking on the door later (The fact the son was wet and cold had no bearing on this the Dad said). The student came into class the next day and apologized to my friend.

In the Math staff room at lunch, my friend was talking about the student and one of the other Math teachers asked about the problem and what the solution my friend had suggested, my friend told her and she laughed and pointed out that my friend was wrong and the student was correct.

I asked what had reminded him of that story, my friend laughed and that he had been reminded of the incident by the same student (10 years later) as the student was a now a Science Teacher at a school in our district and he had seen him at the pub. Another of my friends said, you know that the new young Science teacher was probably telling that story to his friends but with a different perspective.

My friend said as a result of that incident he learned to accept that he was not always right, and that things we do sometimes live for a long time.

From the Heart of a Teacher

From: The Heart of a Teacher "A Parent's Note to a Teacher" by Anonymous

I'm the voice of a grateful parent
whose child was in your class...
the one who needed help to find his way

You've been a special blessing
as you helped my child succeed
and I'm thankful for the part you had to play

You gave her so much more
than just the lessons in the books
you gave him wings...so she could learn to fly

You ignited a flame within his soul
a passion to learn and grow...
to never give up and always be willing to try

Your encouragement inspired her
and your kindness was so real
but the thing that thrills my heart the most is this...

By building his self-confidence
you changed his life this year
she believes in himself...and a brighter future is his!

IT'S UP TO ME by Haim Ginott
I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.

Coping With Stress

Book stores are filled with books that tell us how to cope with stress. Each of these books offers its own perspective on stress along with various coping techniques. To make the most of the information on coping skills, you need to understand what coping is all about. Coping is simply a way of short-circuiting the stress cycle: stopping the stress response.

There is no single right way of coping with a given situation. Each of us must figure out what works best for us. What works best will depend, in part, on your coping style. There are three main styles. None of these styles is better than the other and some people use a mixture of them.
 The first step in coping is to know yourself. Begin by deciding which of these may be your style.

•  Task-oriented: you may feel comfortable analyzing the situation and taking action to deal directly with the situation.
•  Emotion-oriented: you may prefer to deal with your feelings and find social supports.
•  Distraction-oriented: you may use activities or work to take your mind off the situation. Keep this style in mind as you read the information on coping skills.

Thoughts on Stress.

The last weekend of summer before school starts in BC is hopefully a time for parents, teachers, administrators, students and others connected to schools to take a deep breath and to relax before the stress of  next week sets in.

We all know what excessive stress can do to your energy. We begin with a quote from Dr. Barnet Meltzer, who is perhaps the most renowned doctor of preventative medicine in the United States.

“Stress is the tax you pay for not taking 100% responsibility for your life.” —Dr. Barnet Meltzer

Although we all talk about stress, it often isn't clear that we know what stress is really about.  There are many schools of thought about what stress means, here are two ideas to think about. Many of us consider stress to be something that happens to us, the event could be an injury or a promotion, falling in/out of love. Others think that stress is what happens to their bodies, minds and behaviours in response to an event (e.g. heart pounding, anxiety, or nail biting).  Interesting idea I believe that while stress does involve events and our response to them, these are not the most important factors. The most important factor in my mind is our thoughts about the situations in which we find ourselves.


When something happens I believe that we automatically evaluate the situation. We decide if it is threatening to us. Threatening is not just a physical threat, the threat could be to our ego, our self esteem, our health or our energy. We decide how we need to deal with the situation, and what skills we have and can use. If we decide that the demands of the situation outweigh the skills we have, then we may label the situation as "stressful" and react with the classic "stress response". If we decide that our coping skills outweigh the demands of the situation, then we don't see it as "stressful".  This response may be automatic or it may take a while for us to process the information we receive and so the response may be delayed.

Because of the paradigms in which we see ourselves interacting with the world we all see situations differently and each of us has access to different coping skills. No two people will respond exactly the same way to a given situation.

Additionally, not all situations that are labelled "stressful" are negative. The birth of a child, being promoted or moving to a new home may not be perceived as threatening. However, we may feel that situations are "stressful" because we don't feel fully prepared to deal with them.

All situations in life can be stress-provoking, but it is our thoughts about situations that determine whether they are a problem to us.  How we perceive a stress-provoking event and how we react to it determines its impact on our health. We may be motivated and invigorated by the events in our lives, or we may see some as "stressful" and respond in a manner that may have a negative effect on our physical, mental and social well-being. If we we always respond in a negative way our health and happiness may suffer. By understanding ourselves and our reactions to stress-provoking situations, we can learn to handle stress more effectively.

Crabby Old Man

An elderly man wrote this in the hospital before he died....
What  do you see nurses? . . . .. . What do you see?

What  are you thinking . . . . . When you're looking at  me?

A crabby old man . . . .. . Not very  wise,

Uncertain of habit . . . . . With faraway  eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . And makes  no reply.

When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I  do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice . . . .  . The things that you do.

And forever is losing . .  . . . A sock or a shoe?

Who, resisting or not . .  . . . Lets you do as you will,

With bathing and  feeding . . .. . . The long day to fill?

Is that  what you're thinking? . . . . .. Is that what you  see?

Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . You're  not looking at me.


I'll tell you who I am. . .  . . . As I sit here so still,

As I do at your  bidding, . . . . . As I eat at your will.

I'm a  small child of Ten . . . . . With a father and  mother,

Brothers and sisters . . . . . Who love one  another.


A young boy of Sixteen . . . . With  wings on his feet..

Dreaming that soon now . . . . .  A lover he'll meet.

A groom soon at Twenty . . . .  . My heart gives a leap.

Remembering, the vows . .  . . . That I promised to keep.


At Twenty-Five,  now . . . . . I have young of my own.

Who need me  to guide . . . . .. And a secure happy home.

A man  of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,

Bound  to each other . . . . . With ties that should  last.



At Forty, my young sons . . . . . Have  grown and are gone,

But my woman's beside me . . .  . . To see I don't mourn.

At Fifty, once more,  babies play 'round my knee,

Again, we know children  . . . . . My loved one and me.


Dark days are  upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.

I look at  the future . . . . . Shudder with dread.

For my  young are all rearing . . . .. . Young of their  own.

And I think of the years . . . . . And the  love that I've known.


I'm now an old man . . .  . . And nature is cruel.

Its jest to make old age .  . . .. . Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles .  . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.

There is now a  stone . .. . . Where I once had a heart.


But  inside this old carcass . . . . . A young guy still  dwells,

And now and again . . . . . My battered  heart swells.

I remember the joys . . . . . I  remember the pain.

And I'm loving and living . . ..  . . Life over again.

I think of the years, all  too few . . . . . Gone too fast.

And accept the  stark fact .. . . . That nothing can last.

So open  your eyes, people . . . . . Open and see.

Not a  crabby old man . . . Look closer . . . See  ME!!

Relationship Secrets for Highly Empathic People

Over the years I have met and worked with a lot of highly empathetic people so I thought some of you may enjoy the following advice:

Judith Orloff MDJudith Orloff, M.D.,Author of Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yoursef From negative Emotions and Transform Your Life postedthe following on June 30, 2010 08:00 AM

Relationship Secrets for Highly Empathic People

Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn't always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. In my psychiatric practice in Los Angeles and in my workshops I've been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call "emotional empaths" come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else they're in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn't simply that "there aren't enough emotionally available people 'out there,'" nor is their burnout "neurotic." Personally and professionally, I've discovered that something more is going on.

In "Emotional Freedom" I describe emotional empaths as a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner's energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don't have time to decompress in our own space. We're super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with 50 fingers instead of five. Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they're afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn't understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely. We want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn't feel safe. One empath patient told me, "It helps explain why at 32 I've only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year." Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.

For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs -- the physical and time limits you set with someone so you don't feel they're on top of you. Empaths can't fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm's length. In doctors' waiting rooms I'll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away.

With friends it's about half that. With a mate it's variable. Sometimes it's rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a "Keep Out" sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love. All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if you've felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you don't know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others -- make clear that this isn't about not loving them -- but get the discussion going. Once you can, you're able to build progressive relationships.

If you're an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don't jibe with you; practice the following tips. (to read the article online go to her site at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-orloff-md/relationship-advice-relat_b_628549.html?ir=Daily%20Brief )

Define your personal space needs

Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate
As you're getting to know someone, share that you're a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being "overly sensitive," and won't respect your need.

Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style
Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good night's rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.

Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs
You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn't a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, "What space arrangements are optimal?" Having an area to retreat to, even if it's a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Here's why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partner's vibes are sublime, sometimes I'd rather not sense them even if they're only hovering near me. I'm not just being finicky; it's about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.

Tip 4. Travel wisely
Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, I'll always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. "Out of sight" may make the heart grow fonder.

Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks
Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, "I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if I'm having fun," a form of self-care that he supports.

In my medical practice, I've seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who've been lonely and haven't had a long-term partner before. Once you're able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.