Humour time

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat, she said,

"It's Presidents Day! “

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

Things I'm Super Good At

Running. Late, that is.

Forgetting someone's name two minutes after they tell me.

Making plans...then regretting making plans.

Thinking of a great comeback — an hour later.

Digging through the trash for the food box I just threw away, because I already forgot the directions.

Adding items to online carts & then deleting.

Eating other people's French fries on the way home from the drive-thru.

Googling my ailments. Then panicking.

Forgetting about the laundry — until I'm in bed.

Calculating how much sleep I'll get if I can just "fall asleep right now".

Mumbling the name part during a rendition of "Happy Birthday"

Lowering the music on your car stereo so I can see better

Searching for my phone while holding it in my hand.

Looking for my glasses which are sitting on my head.

Seeing an outrageous price on something at a store and pretending I am still considering it.

Secretly diagnosing everybody in the waiting room at my doctor's office

Ignoring an email for weeks, then writing back and saying, "Somehow this ended up in my spam folder".

Pretending I am in a movie while listening to music on headphones and walking down the street.

Being extra chatty with airport security for good travel karma.

Offering some truly transparent fake laughter, because I have no idea what was just said, but everyone is laughing.

Bringing a book to the beach and not actually reading it.

Overthinking eye contact.

Carrying way too much from your car so I can "make it in one trip".

Finally, taking out my phone to check the time, then getting distracted by it and totally forgetting what time it is

A frog walked into...

Many thanks to my cousin Lorraine for this one:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.

★♫.•Pass it on!! Give someone else a reason to smile.

Do you see the Ageism in these photos' or do you see humour?

Thanks to George for the pictures

Changed your password recently?

Every lost or had to change your password, then this is for you
WINDOWS:

Please enter your new password.

USER:
Cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:
Boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

USER:
50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER:
50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use.

Homographs and Heteronyms

This is a wonderful and funny piece of writing, for all of you who suffered through English classes, hated grammar and wonder why folk from other countries have a bit of trouble with the English language. 

I wish I had the skill to put this together but I don't. This was sent to me by a friend of mine, he did not know who the author was, so I did a search. The author is Liv Hambrett an Australian writer living in Germany. She wrote this piece in 2013. Her writing and her books can be found on her website which is http://www.livhambrett.com / 

Liv did a lot of work on this, so please enjoy and check out her website for more of her writing.

*Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.

A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.*

*You think English is easy???*

==============================================

1) The bandage was *wound *around the *wound.*

2) The farm was used to *produce produce*.

3) The dump was so full that it had to *refuse *more *refuse*.

4) We must *polish *the *Polish *furniture

5) He could *lead *if he would get the *lead *out.

6) The soldier decided to *desert *his dessert in the desert..*

7) Since there is no time like the *present*, he thought it was time to *present* the *present.*

8) A *bass *was painted on the head of the *bass* drum.

9) When shot at, the *dove* *dove* into the bushes.

10) I did not *object* to the *object.*

11) The insurance was *invalid* for the *invalid.*

12) There was a *row* among the oarsmen about how to *row*.

13) They were too *close* to the door to *close* it.

14) The buck *does* funny things when the *does* are present.

15) A seamstress and a *sewer* fell down into a *sewer* line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his *sow* to *sow.*

17) The *wind* was too strong to *wind* the sail.

18) Upon seeing the *tear* in the painting I shed a *tear.*

19) I had to *subject* the *subject* to a series of tests.

20) How can I *intimate* this to my most *intimate* friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.  

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;  neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. 

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.  

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?  

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?  AND If a male goat is called a ram and a donkey is called an ass, why is a ram-in-the-ass called a goose?

You are only old once

I love Dr Suess and his whimsical sense of humour. I found this on the Internet and it is a take-off on Dr Suess famous "Cat in the Hat".  Dr Suess did a wonderful book on ageing called, "You're only old once".  If you want the Youtube version of this book, go here, 

The parody below is very dark when it comes to ageing. Dr Suess actually took a lighter view of ageing. His book, which I think we should all read, just to regain our sense of wonder ends with this thought. 

And you'll know

once your necktie's

back under your chin

and Norval has waved you

Godspeed with his fin,

you're in pretty good shape

 for the shape, you are in.

Pharmacology

My thanks to my brother for this one:

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.   It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Math is important, it can give us clarity

This is a strictly mathematical view point... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?  (Thanks to Derwyn for these thoughts)

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

What makes u 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is

represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is equal to 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is equal to 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is equal to  1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

While, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-Tis equal to 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.

Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top . Now you know why politicians are where they are!

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this form

How true it is. 

Some jokes for my grandson

I have been too serious so time for some off beat humour to regain my balance:

Q: What do you call a group of friends making a sweater?

A: Social knitworking
=====================

Q: Why is grass so dangerous?

A: Because it's full of blades

=====================

Q: Where do you find giant snails?

A: On the ends of giants' fingers.


=====================

Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?

A: Tickle the middle and see which end laughs.

=====================
Q: What do you get when you cross an insect with a rabbit?

A: Bugs Bunny.


=====================

Q: Why do cowboys ride horses?

A: Because they are too heavy to carry! 



Thanks to Grandparents.com for these jokes

ABC's of Aging

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned Beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time 
M (But forgive me, I get a few lapses with my Memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me a pill I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights,counting fears on how to pay my medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word 'terminal' rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet unfound
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one, I'm still alive).
Z is for zest For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.

Thanks to  Denny Davis for this author unknown poem 

Why the rich stay rich

A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4000 dollars. “Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security” the bank teller said. “No problem” the man responded here are the keys to my car “you’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.” 

A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan. While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over, “sir, we are very happy to have you’re business, but if you don’t mind me asking, after you left we looked into you and found out that you are a millionaire, why would you need to borrow $4000 dollars?” 

“Well, the fellow responded it’s quite simple, where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?”

More jokes for my grandson, Groaners for sure

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
Answer: A cloud

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Answer: Nacho Cheese.

Do you want a chip monk?

 A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. 

One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"

The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."

History Exam - 20 Questions (I only got 16 -)

Thanks to Derwyn for this.  I think his score was higher than mine.

NO Cheating- don't look at the answers until you take the test!!!! History Exam... Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time  at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap. This is a  History Exam  for those who don't mind seeing how much they really  know *** Get paper & pencil & number from 1 to 20.   ****Write the letter of each answer & score at the end. Then before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line. Everyone HAVE FUN!!!!     1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? a. On the floor shift knob. b. On the floor board, to the left of the  clutch.... c. Next to the horn. 2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it.. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs. b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing. c. Large salt shaker. 3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk. b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled. c... Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard  bottle top. 4. What was the popular chewing gum  named  for a game of chance? a.. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps 5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II. a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks 6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker 7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a . Strips of dried peanut butter. b. Chocolate licorice bars. c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with coloured sugar water inside. 8. How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up. b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.. c On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust. 9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key. b. Woven straps that crossed the foot. c. Long pieces of twine. 10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts. b. Ask Mom. c. Eeny-meeny-miney-MO. 11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s and 1950s? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio 12. 'I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey' a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar 13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c Macaroni 14. What was a Duck-an d-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek. b. What you did when your  Mom called you in to do chores. c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.    15 . What was the name of the Indian Princess in the Howdy Doody Show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajawea c Princess Moonshadow 16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high. b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window. c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure. 17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum. b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items. c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos. 18. Praise the Lord , & pass the _________? a.. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition 19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song 'Cabdriver' a hit? a. The Ink Spots b.. The Supremes c. The  Esquires 20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ? a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin ---------------------------- ------------------------------- ANSWERS 1. (b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in   Europe  , took till the late '60's  to catch on. 2. (b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing.. Who had a steam iron? 3. (c) Cold weather caused  the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top... 4 . (a) Blackjack Gum. 5. (b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. 6. (a) 1946 Studebaker. 7. (c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet coloured water. 8. (a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.   9. (a) With clamps , tightened by a skate key, 10. (c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. 11. (c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease. 12. (b) Taxi , Better be ready by half-past eight! 13. (c) Macaroni 14. (c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill. 15. (a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. 16.(a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. 17. (b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store. 18. (c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. 19. (a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.   20. (a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.  SCORING 17- 20 correct   You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses,  which you wore on a shoestring around your neck. Definitely someone who should share your wisdom! 12 -16 correct Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.   0 -11 correct You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.

You think English is easy?

This may prove you wrong!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor dog in the hotdog, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

Gems of Mind numbness

Thanks to Joanne for these gems of Mind numbness

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!