Panda joke

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders some food from the bartender. He sits down and eats his meal. After the panda bear finishes eating, he stands up, pulls out a gun and shoots up the bar. As the panda is walking out of the door, the bartender asks him, "What are you doing??" The panda bear turns and says, "I'm a panda bear, look it up." So the bartender looks up 'panda bear' in the dictionary and finds that it says, "Panda bear: eats chutes and leaves."

Do you cultivate friends outside of Facebook?

Thanks to Sulima for this one:

For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists, presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three persons following me: two police officers and a psychiatrist.

Do you qualify for disability?

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. 

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. 

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Virus alert

Here's one for a few of my friends :o)

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot  take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

The Newfie Millionaire

For all my wife's Newfie relatives

Jarge, from Newfoundland ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'  And towards the end of the program  had already won 500,000 dollars. 

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars You've only got one life-line left phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?" 

"Yes,Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!" 

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? 

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?" 

"I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge, 

''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie back home in Carner Brook." 

Jarge called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 

"Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure." 

Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris, 
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma." 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. 

"Yes  it is, Buy" 

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!

Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!" 

The next night, Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink. 

"Tell me, Charlie ole cock? How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its own nest?" 

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

Groooaaannnerrr Warning!!

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Alfred whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Alfred, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's freakin' raining, of course you stupid idiots!!" he screamed, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" 

The man quietly replied: "Rude Alf the Red knows rain, dear!"

And know for the real groaner.......... :o)

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious Cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious Cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the Cod to change him back and lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,

"It's me, Justin,your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

Christian asked warily, "What do you mean changed?"

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

What do you do now that you're retired?'

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Metcalfe is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

Have a great Boxing Day

This is for all of you in Canada who go to the great Boxing Day sales going on today. Enjoy the jokes as you wait in line

Apples and Wine

You Can't Please Everyone!

Thanks to Wally for this one:

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,So they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought They were stupid to walk when they had a Decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people Who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, So they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge,They lost their grip on the animal And he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, You might as well..

Kiss your ass goodbye!

There is no "i" in team but there are 3 in "narcissistic"

My thanks to Wally for these gems:

A tough old Cowboy from Texas counselled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the Secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. So she did this religiously to the age of 103! When she died, she left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium USED TO BE.

There may be no "i" in "team," but there are three in "narcissistic."

I can do a fairly good impression of someone who cares about your problem.

Men get frustrated because they don’t understand how women think. Women get frustrated because they understand how men think.

1984 - it's just 30 years late arriving :-)

Couples who have been married a long time start finishing each others sentences. The most popular ending being "Shut the #%&# up!"

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.

You say you want to bring me back to reality. You're assuming I've been there before.

The kids text me "plz" Because it's shorter than "please". I text back "no" because it's shorter than "yes".

and finally

Good Night Everyone - Pleasant Dreams
'Cause if you can dream
Reflections in a diamond sky
Come shining all through
Romance will always be so new
And love will save the day
If you can dream

Theatre Seats for Seniors

Thanks to Wally for this:

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient."Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...

... "The balcony."

How CANADA Got Its Name

I am feeling whimsy,  and as we approach Canada Day, I thought it might be interesting to some to see how Canada got its name.

The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, and they didn't say a word.  Just looked at him.

"Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor?

"C. , eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor.

" N., eh?" says the second guy.

"D., eh?" says a third one. Then silence.

"Hey," says the Governor.  "I like that.  It's a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way."

So that's how C A N A D A  got its name.

Worse things in Life

 A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,

tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad, soon we will have a new addition to our family. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that 'growing your own plants" doesn't really hurt anyone.   We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for other recreational drugs.  PARTY ON!  That is what life is all about!

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Robert

PS.  Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card, which is in my center desk drawer.

 I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Thoughts on Aging

Some thoughts on aging:

• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
• Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
• The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
• I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

This last one has happened to me:

• Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Things that make people look old

I just came across this list of things that make people look old so if I can just remember not to do these things I guess I'll be young forever:
CathifromCanada posted this and I thought it was fun

1. Fumbling with payment at the register, especially counting out coins. Coins go into an overflowing jar on the bureau, and I don't want to hear any more about it.
2. Complaining about portion sizes.
3. Complaining about how prices have gone up, in a manner that implies I don't understand how inflation/money works.. . .
4. Voting against school/education taxes. . . .
5. Asking people to guess my age, and then gloating when the guesser tactfully subtracts ten years.
6. Complaining that current popular music isn't even music, or that songs/books/movies USED to be good/quality/art, but NOW are NOT. . . .
7. Explaining to frazzled, exhausted, verge-of-emotional-breakdown women with small children that this is the best time of their lives. . . .
8. Suggesting that things are getting worse and worse with every generation---starting with the one immediately following mine.
9. Complaining about how "weird" baby names are now; why don't people use NORMAL names like the names WE used for OUR babies?
10. What about complaining about products that aren't made anymore?
11. Asking the question, Why is denim so thin now? Then giving your own answer "Back when I was a kid, jeans lasted forever"
12. Complaining about how things just aren't made the way they used to be? "Back in my day, refrigerators were made to last 20 years!"
13. Not going out in the rain, even to the mall. I was astonished one time to hear one of my older colleagues say that she was waiting for a nice day to go to the new mall.
14. Wearing sweaters in warm weather
15. Keeping original packaging, just in case
16. Complaining that there is not enough light
17. Scoffing at things like registers that display the correct collection of coins to the cashier because clearly the young people cannot even make change! (O it's so, so, so hard for me not to roll my eyes.) 
18. Still try to use the phone book

I have to admit I've already done a few of these things.

Orange you going to read this?

My thanks to Christopher (the Onion) for these words about words. English is a tough language to learn, even for those of us born to the language sometimes despair at the complexities of the language. For all those learning English, I hope this does not confuse but helps. 

Orange is our description of oranges and orange juice. Orange you going to
read this?

They are somewhat similar to blue and blackberries, however red berries are razzberries or cherries and ‘cherry’ might just mean 'fine', 'nice', or ‘perfect’, and ‘Sherry’ might appear that way, especially after drinking it...

Apples are not ‘reds’ and could mean 'of your eye' although ‘peaches’ are fruit AND a color,
the ‘word’ itself represents one’s positive view of something thats true to one or another.

Color represents ‘fruit’ and ‘fruit’ is related to the rainbow via color; but the rainbow represents the fruits in an interesting way.

‘Reds’ are from a particular side of a war, blues are electronic cigarettes, and Pink  Unfortunately sings. ‘Blues’ are often sung by Blacks, who commonly don't like the association to the color, although it’s understandable to have a 'black' or 'white' polarized opinion here.

No ‘fowl’ intended, or ‘foul’ extended, and I don't mean 'duck', but that's what you gotta do at times to avoid being ‘floored’, which is something that can happen at the accompanied destination.

Donkeys are Horses and Asses but if we include elephants then we are talking about color again.

Reds and blue, the associated hues, in the gray area of our pink mind.

Of ‘course’ it's rather ‘coarse’, if we are on 'course' or on 'board' we could potentially be walking the plank. As most of us know that ‘boards’are rather straight,  which is oddly the opposite of happy.

And 'boards' are just ‘bored’ while they handle their 'chores', but the 'shore' is what most of us are after.

We can have a ‘sack nap’ but if you take a ‘knapsack’, 1 might just end up in the ‘slammer’.

Stammer as I might, but if I put 'up' a fight I am sure it will not be above me.

1 is the ‘one’ but they may have not ‘won’, so being first does really not matter.

My shoes are my shoes but to shoe is too ‘lose’, to set ‘loose’  what you may have been 'after'.

‘After’ is ‘thyme’, which I eat all the ‘time’, it’s the herbs that we are all ‘after’.

‘Ewe’ is not ‘you’, unless I'm talking, then its me, or 'I', but if if you say me, its 'you'.

But to me, its me, so if we agree, and we see the blue sea, we finally found what we're 'after'.

And speaking of ‘ewe’, I’m not disgusted, it’s true, but I’m ‘quite’ sure that I only wear ‘too’ ‘shoes’.

Bitches are smokes if you are in the UK, but it's derogatory in the ‘US’ (you see?); Meaning female 'dog', which is a word on its own that tends to be misused in multiple ways.

And 'cellar' is safety while 'sell her' is 'shady' and would surely bring a 'son' to ‘light’.

‘Light’ is the ‘load’ but I’m ‘spitting’ in ‘droves’ so I suppose it’s animal thing.

‘Us’ means you and I, unless 'I' speak of ‘US’; then the capitalization describes my desired 'point' of conversation; which 'I' in and of itself can range from a knife's edge to an idea's
‘fruition’ or health, although this 'exercise' is an example of the ‘fruits’ of one of my passions;

'Writing' is what I'm doing and ‘righting' is correcting...and if creative one cannot correct others written words.

We can go 'nuts' with ‘riding’ while ‘writing’ and ‘righting’, however ‘lefts’ can be fun as ‘well’.

Sometimes ‘left’ is ‘behind’, and I hope yours is fine, but of course this is part of the chatter.

Also 'nuts' does not make ‘sense’ and ‘cents’ don't make themselves even though without my 2, it does not really matter.

Words are just words but are also made of groups of bits of which 8 or 9 can be bytes and is ‘in ‘tire’ly different to the latter which is consequently, composed of  words as well, on/off math is a spell, especially when ‘pitching’ this ‘batter’ .

Speaking of 10, which is binary, 2/10 is a 'score' and that's '20 years' which simply does not make sense And playing 'some' Tetris, 'sum' ‘times’ may amuse because it rhymes but a muse should not promote laughter.

PC's are computers, but not all computers are PC's, which includes the Mac which is not a hamburger; a type of pretentious person, or a manner of eating, though not something one sees in the sea

‘Meat’ is a term, not a fish or a worm, and ‘meet’ is a place that one goes.

PC is PC, which this ‘sentence’ may not be, and a ‘sentence’ is not what this is.

I will always be free, let it ‘bee’ what it ‘be’ but I’ll ‘sting’ you while listening for free..

‘Live’ is whatever we do, ‘live’ is how we play, and ‘jive’ is what I'm doing or what I say.
Diss is a miss, a play is a kiss, which could mean ‘good’-bye in a ‘bad’ way. Dis_play is not only a visual aid, but a communication device; and further a way to explain what one may already know but not be aware of; or way to show others, sisters and brothers that 'nothing', or 'something' has ‘blocked’ their way.

Being 'a_head' isn't necessarily in front, unless its a line at the ballgame or 'bar' of which the meanings are far, so obscenely ‘bizarre’ but thats where one goes ‘by’ to buy’ things.

And while at the bizarre, picking up my ‘Sit’_ar I imagine I would most likely be standing;

And since I could be at a bar getting barred while in the 'head' from talking nonsense like this, thoughts out of my head may be reasonable‘instead’, but the ‘stead’ could just be a good ‘horse’. ‘Hoarse’ is what I may get if I stay on my ‘course’, if I talk ‘instead’ of just ‘writing’.

Moving forward; 'know' and 'now' are particularly convoluted, which oddly enough is
somewhat a mate between 'con' and 'looted', which doesn't 'quite' make sense unless one
remains suddenly 'muted’.

And while we 'might' understand this, 'might' ’might' be the difference between winning and losing the battle. and ‘wood’ ‘would’ most probably be understood as a ’loss' involving a chainsaw.

So the liquid we chose to make ‘hour’ forest grow might ask ‘Water’ we doing here?

‘May’ is a month, a question of such, but a month might just make me dafter.

So, without assuming, which is a ‘mis_take’, we can resume our day to day, after distributing our ‘resume’, in a 'fashion' that would most ‘Shirley’ make the 'seasoned' ‘tailor’ we
call 'Taylor', our 'Shure' vehicle for escape. 

BTW- This is all ‘obvious’ as real and ‘odd it is’ but I really felt something today. and ‘Shure’ is a microphone so leave me alone  if you only have something negative to say...

Politics and Surgeons

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on politicians. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and behinds are interchangeable."

Pastor on his death bed

My thanks to James for this one:

An old pastor lay dying.  He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Canada agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.  As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.  The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.  For a time, no one said anything.

Both the Revenue Canada agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old

man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.  They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked: "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"  

The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly:  "Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go ."

Priceless !