What is funny about that?

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. 

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" 

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."

Murphy's Law

Here are some of Murphy's less famous quotes:

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Seniors Texting Code

Source:

Reasons Golf is better than sex

You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.

If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous.

Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners you’ve golfed with.

Women can decide how long they want their golf game to last ;)

It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

You don't feel bad if you don't golf with stiff shafts

When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.

Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.

You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

if you get caught cheating in golf, you don't end up losing your house and having to pay thousands per month for support

Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”

Excuse me sir, can I discuss a Pay Rise with you...!'

 

Employee:     Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:     Sure, come on in.  What can I do for you?

Employee:     Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:     Yes.

Employee:     I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:     A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:    I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into  consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss:     Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and and five days of vacation time. How does that sound?  

Employee:    Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss:      Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee:     Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Kulula Airline is hilarious!

Funny stuff. Sounds a bit like West jet and their humour.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN. 

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !" 

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings........ If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." 

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." 

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 

From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." 

"Weather at our destinationis 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines." 

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." 

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.." 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town:The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault......it was the asphalt." 

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's commenton after a less than perfect landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?" 
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" 

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.." 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today...... And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways." 

Heard on a Kulula flight: 
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing...... If you can light' em, you can smoke' em."


This is your Captain speaking!! 
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight..... So sit back, relax and..........

OH, MY GOD ! 

Silence followed! 
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you ..... While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"


One Irish passenger yelled...... You should see the back of mine !!!

The retiring Priest

A Rob Ford story, or just a funny story, i feel sorry for my friends in Toronto, but life goes on.


A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.  However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; he had taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend.  I was appalled.  But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

　

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

　

I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.

Puns of the day

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: Why did the pilot go to the psychologist?
A: He thought he was plane crazy.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being

Q: Did you hear about the three men that hijacked a truck full of Viagra?
A: The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

My doctor told me I needed a partial bowel resection. I asked, "will that leave me with a semi-colon?"

I'll thank Mark Eells a finalist in the O.Henry World Championship Pun-Off for this one. Google it and you'll find some very funny punsters doing their thing on video..
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.


When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

For more Puns go here 

Important Health Notice

 Please read below in case you or anyone you know is suffering from these symptoms! Thanks to Ally for alerting us about this condition:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

 Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Doctors have views on everything

Thanks to Margaret for the following:

The problem is....

The problem isn't how they got in there......... it's how you get them out.

My thanks to Carl for this one

You know you are living in 2013 when...

Thanks to Patti for this:

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they

don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to tell about this

message.

14. You are too engrossed reading this to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this

list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Fast is relative

The last few days, I thought some humor would be needed as we are still in the depths of winter, I will get back to some more serious stuff soon, for now enjoy.

A  turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. 

A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. 

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Little known facts about death of Penguins

Thanks to  Derwyn for this one.

I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins seen on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Well, wonder no more!

It is a fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird, which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle will dig holes in the ice, using their feet, wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole."

Hey folks sorry if you didn't laugh, but you really didn't believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?

Urban Legends Onions

Summer and the living is easy, and sometimes we get lazy about what we know or should now and sometimes we get told stories that are not true and we pass them on, when we should not pass them on, but just delete them. The problem is that in the summer good meaning people post these stories as fact, not realizing that the story is not true.  Below is one such story, I read as it was passed on to me in good faith.  The first hint that the story is an urban legend is that a virus is not a bacteria. http://www.snopes.com/food/tainted/cutonions.asp  is a link to verify the fact the story is not true In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million people there was this Doctor that visited the many farmers to see if he could help them combat the flu.. Many of the farmers and their family had contracted it and many died. The doctor came upon this one farmer and to his surprise, everyone was very healthy. When the doctor asked what the farmer was doing that was different the wife replied that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a dish in the rooms of the home, (probably only two rooms back then). The doctor couldn't believe it and asked if he could have one of the onions and place it under the microscope. She gave him one and when he did this, he did find the flu virus in the onion. It obviously absorbed the bacteria, therefore, keeping the family healthy. Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser. She said that several years ago, many of her employees were coming down with the flu, and so were many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls with onions around in her shop. To her surprise, none of her staff got sick. It must work.  Try it and see what happens. We did it last year and we never got the flu.  Now there is a P. S. to this for I sent it to a friend in Oregon who regularly contributes material to me on health issues. She replied with this most interesting experience about onions: Thanks for the reminder. I don't know about the farmer's story...but, I do know that I contacted pneumonia, and, needless to say, I was very ill... I came across an article that said to cut both ends off an onion put it into an empty jar, and place the jar next to the sick patient at night. It said the onion would be black in the morning from the germs. ..sure enough it happened just like that...the onion was a mess and I began to feel better. Another thing I read in the article was that onions and garlic placed around the room saved many from the black plague years ago. They have powerful antibacterial, antiseptic properties. This is the other note. Lots of times when we have stomach problems we don't know what to blame. Maybe it's the onions that are to blame. Onions absorb bacteria is the reason they are so good at preventing us from getting colds and flu and is the very reason we shouldn't eat an onion that has been sitting for a time I had the wonderful privilege of touring Mullins Food Products, Makers of mayonnaise. Questions about food poisoning came up, and I wanted to share what I learned from a chemist. Ed, who was our tour guide, is a food chemistry whiz. During the tour, someone asked if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise. People are always worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed's answer will surprise you. Ed said that all commercially-made mayo is completely safe. "It doesn't even have to be refrigerated. No harm in refrigerating it, but it's not really necessary." He explained that the pH in mayonnaise is set at a point that bacteria could not survive in that environment. He then talked about the summer picnic, with the bowl of potato salad sitting on the table, and how everyone blames the mayonnaise when someone gets sick. Ed says that, when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials look for is when the 'victim' last ate ONIONS and where those onions came from (in the potato salad?). Ed says it's not the mayonnaise (as long as it's not homemade mayo) that spoils in the outdoors. It's probably the ONIONS, and if not the onions, it's the POTATOES. He explained onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked onions. You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion.. He says it's not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your refrigerator. It's already contaminated enough just by being cut open and out for a bit, that it can be a danger to you (and doubly watch out for those onions you put in your hotdogs at the baseball park!). Ed says if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy you'll probably be okay, but if you slice that leftover onion and put on your sandwich, you're asking for  trouble. Both the onions and the moist potato in a potato salad, will attract and grow bacteria faster than any commercial mayonnaise will even begin to break down. Also, dogs should never eat onions. Their stomachs cannot metabolize onions. Please remember it is dangerous to cut an onion and try to use it to cook the next day,it becomes highly poisonous for even a single night and creates toxic bacteria which may cause adverse stomach infections because of excess bile secretions and even food poisoning. LEFT OVER ONIONS ARE POISONOUS after it has been cut open.

The light turned amber

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally; I assumed you had stolen the car."

Ralph and Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they  were  walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and  pulled him out.When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the  hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good  news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since  you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and  saving the life of the person you love.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

 'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his  bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

  Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'

I've been (everywhere)

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  

Apparently, you can't go alone. 

You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. 

I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.  

They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and

I'm not too much on physical activity anymore  

I have also been in Doubt.  

That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable,

and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!

It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent,

but I don't remember what country I was in.  

It's an age thing.

Does the light goes out?

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,

"He's pi**ing in the fridge again!"

The truth about politicians

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered  my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; he had taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on,

I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.