This is empathy

Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. Thanks to Ken for the idea for this post.

Contemporary researchers often differentiate between two types of empathy: “Affective empathy” refers to the sensations and feelings we get in response to others’ emotions; this can include mirroring what that person is feeling or just feeling stressed when we detect another’s fear or anxiety. “Cognitive empathy,” sometimes called “perspective taking,” refers to our ability to identify and understand other people’s emotions.

Affective empathy can be when someone is struggling and you focus on what they are feeling and see through their eyes. Cognitive empathy is understanding that while we may be different but we’re not on different sides. Your ability to see the world as others do is cognitive empathy.

Empathy is the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences and it is one that all animals have. Over the last several decades, we’ve seen increasing evidence of empathy in other species. One piece of evidence came unintentionally out of a study on human development. Carolyn Zahn-Waxler, a research psychologist at the National Institute of Mental Health, visited people’s homes to find out how young children respond to family members’ emotions. She instructed people to pretend to sob, cry, or choke and found that some household pets seemed as worried as the children were by the feigned distress of the family members. The pets hovered nearby and put their heads on their owners’ laps.

Emotions trump rules. This is why, when speaking of role models, we talk of their hearts, not their brains. We rely more on what we feel than what we think when we see others in distress. Moral rules tell us when and how to apply our empathic tendencies, but the tendencies themselves have been in existence since time immemorial.

When someone is struggling, they don’t always need someone to swoop in and fix things. They may just need someone to understand where they’re coming from. Empathy might, in fact, be the positive aspect of all of this: whatever our circumstances, it’s clear that we all need to feel seen and heard. If empathy doesn’t come easily to you, the good news is that it can be learned and practiced. Empathy can help us know ourselves and our own feelings. It can help us lead, help us communicate and help us support and connect with others. At home. At work and at school.

On death and taxes

In the last few months, a friend of mine lost his mother, another friend lost her husband and then her Uncle in a violent accident,  a friend lost a close chum from high school, I lost a cousin and then an Aunt. Every month I read in the monthly teachers magazine of teachers who will be missed, meaning they have died. Some of the names I know, most I don't. One of the facts of life that we do not want to face, his we are mortal, we live for a brief moment and then leave. I know I am at the time of my life when I will start recognizing more of the names of those who who will be missed.

Celebrations of life will be held, as they should be as these are more for the living to remember the goog of those who past. Yet it is hard to help ourselves and others deal with the pain and shock when someone we love dies. As I move through my 60's I am becoming more aware of the need to face the issue of mortality and to be alert to the way I can help others. I am at the age where I will start to lose more friends and relatives.

 Earlier I posted some thoughts on  Grief and I thought I would revisit them now

Have you ever lost someone close to you to death? We go through a grief process that was best described by Elizabeth Kublar-Ross in On Death and Dying. In it she talks about the five stages that people go through---denial and isolation; anger; bargaining; depression and finally acceptance. The dying, as well as those who love them, go through these stages although rarely at the same time and these stages are not predictable.

You may think you are in the anger phase, then jump to depression and then, back to denial again. There is no rhyme or reason---only what feels right for each individual at the time. No one can predict how long a phase will last. If you are grieving and some well-meaning person suggests that you shouldn’t be feeling what you are feeling, kindly thank them for their concern but know that you are exactly where you need to be.

However, with grief, sometimes you will become aware of something not feeling right. You may think, “I should be over this by now” or “I don’t like feeling this way.” When you, yourself, recognize that it is time to move beyond where you are at, then trust that feeling as well.

I’d like to talk about grief from a Choice Theory perspective. I need to start with the Choice Theory expression that all behavior is purposeful since grief is really just a behavior in choice theory terms. Choice theory tells us that everything we do at any point in time is our best attempt to get something we want---some picture we have in our Quality World that will meet one or more of our needs in some way. Grief is no exception.

Once you understand that all behavior is purposeful and that grief is a person’s best attempt to get something they want, then it becomes easier to know what to do about it. What could we possibly be trying to get by grieving? Most people would say that there isn’t a choice. When someone we love dies, we have to grieve. I say it is natural that we will miss the person’s presence in our life but it isn’t inevitable that we have to grieve, not in the way most people think of grieving.

The first thing I believe that we are trying to get with our grief is the person who died. When we grieve, it is our best attempt to keep that person alive, at least in our perceived world. We know they no longer exist in the physical world as we know it. However, if we continue to think about them, pine for them, grieve their presence, then it keeps the thought of that person active in our perception and it feels better to us than the total void or absence of the other person.

Another possible advantage of grief is that it shows others just how much we cared for and loved the person who died. I’m not suggesting that people are being manipulative in their grief. What I am saying is that there is a side benefit to grief in that it shows others how much we cared. It also says, “See what a good ___________ I was.” Fill in the blank with husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sister, brother, etc.

Grief is also instrumental in getting us the support we need from others during our time of bereavement. People do things for us that we would normally be expected to do ourselves. Again, please don’t think that I am suggesting that a grieving person wakes up and “decides” to grieve so someone will stop by the house with a meal. None of this is conscious but I’m merely pointing out the potential advantages of grief.

Once we become totally conscious and aware of what our grief does and doesn’t do for us, then comes the hard part. We need to make some decisions about how we want to live.

There are always at least three options in every situation and they can be framed up in terms of---leave it, change it or accept it. With death, you may wonder how someone is going to “leave it.” Well, some possible ways would be major denial of the loss, suicide, drugs and/or alcohol abuse, or sinking deep into mental illness, among others.

When we get caught up in changing things, we may continue in our grief as our best attempt to get the person back. That might look like constant trips to the cemetery, frequent conversations with the deceased, refusing to believe he or she is truly gone, constantly talking about the one who’s gone. There are many things we can do to attempt to change the reality of the loss.

If and when we come to accept it, we can experience some measure of peace and rejoin the living. A healthy step in this process is finding a way to somehow maintain that person’s presence in our lives. Now, this is a very individual thing and you must be very careful not to judge the choices of the bereaved.

Most people saw Meet the Parents. In it, Robert DiNero’s character kept the ashes of his mother in an urn on his mantle. Many people do this with the cremated remains of their loved ones. Others place some ashes in a necklace and wear it around their neck. Some will set up scholarship or memorials.

There are all kinds of creative ways to maintain the person’s presence. There is no wrong way. Whatever brings comfort to the bereaved should be supported by those around them. Remember that just because a person is choosing something that may be distasteful or wrong to you, doesn’t make it wrong for that person.

When acceptance occurs, then the grieving person can begin to reassimilate back into their life and the lives of those around them but it won’t happen overnight. We need patience and loving understanding for those coming back from grief.

Another possible choice is the person who doesn’t appear to grieve at all. There may be many explanations for this behavior. The person may be very private and won’t do his or her grieving where others can see. Another possibility is that the person is trying to be strong for everyone else.

If you are grieving, or you are involved in the life of someone who is grieving, please don’t judge yourself or them. Understand that all behavior is purposeful and the person is getting something out of what they are doing. When they become conscious that there is a choice, then they can make a conscious decision about which of the three choices they want to make. Once they know the direction they want to go in, they have to flesh out the details of their plan.

The Magic of Self Love Part Two

Practical ways to love yourself!

 

There are, of course, infinite ways to love and to care for yourself. The possibilities are endless, and will depend on what is most appropriate for you at a given time, what brings you greatest joy, and what honours and fulfulls your heart’s wishes and soul’s purpose.

You already do love yourself, likely more than you are aware, yet if self-love feels new to you and you want to experience and develop more of it, there’s no shame in what may initially feel like ‘faking it till you make it’.

When you start to act more loving to yourself you will ignite a renewed relationship with yourself and step onto a path to a blossom-rich horizon. You will also reprogram your subconscious mind with a new way of being and relating with yourself.

Loving yourself may involve pampering and treating yourself in luxurious ways, yet it may also include less glamorous endeavours, for self-love is about doing what most serves you and your soul at a given time, and honouring and respecting yourself accordingly.

Loving yourself could be:

• Cleaning your home, organising papers and accounts, eating healthy food, paying bills, clearing debts, etc.
• Ending sabotaging patterns, habits or addictions.
• Seeking the help, healing and support that will help you make the transition to a brighter future.
• Setting new inspiring and enlivening goals, raising your standards and reaching for more.
• No longer sacrificing to please others.
• Being honest and intimate with yourself and others.
• No longer settling for less and setting respecting boundaries.
• Living somewhere that you truly love, or transforming, decorating or renovating your existing home to surround yourself with an environment that is beautiful, meaningful and heart-warming.
• Nourishing and caring for your body, such as eating healthy food and exercising regularly. You might join a gym, get a personal trainer, or begin fun healthy activities like salsa, yoga, or a new sport or activity like hiking or running.
• Doing 'nothing' and spending time relaxing, reflecting, de-stressing or simply ‘being’.
• Treating yourself to the pleasures of massage, a facial, pedicure, beauty treatments or a new hair-do.
• Buying new clothes that reflect your truer self.
• Taking up or renewing a creative hobby or passion, be that singing, writing, walking, painting, sailing, or photography, for example.
• Listening to and honouring your feelings.
• Going on weekends away, short breaks and holidays to inject greater fun, happiness and adventure into your life.
• Being in touch with friends and loved ones, and expressing the love you have for them, which will be nourishing not just to them, but to you as well.
• Speaking kindly to yourself, seeing your value and goodness, affirming your positives and being grateful to yourself.
• Having a night out on the town: going out for a fabulous dinner, dancing, to the movies or theatre, whether alone, with a friend a friend, or romantic partner.
• Meditating.
• Being true to yourself, upholding principles and standing your ground if required.
• If you tend to save or hoard money, it could be having a care-free ‘splurge’.
• Treating yourself does not need to be a great expense, however, and can be having breakfast in the garden on a sunny morning, taking a walk in the afternoon, having a bubble bath, a candlelight dinner in, going for a swim or watching the sunset.
• Spending time in nature to bask in its beauty and grace. We all have favourite nature spots. For some it is the ocean side, for others the beauty of a spring meadow, for some it is to walk down country lanes, or enter a forest or grove. Perhaps you love riversides or waterfalls, or wide vistas and open landscapes with far reaching views, or hill tops and mountains.
• Appreciating yourself for all your gifts, qualities, strengths and achievements, and having compassion and love for any perceived 'ugly sides', weaknesses, stresses, trials and tribulations.
• Forgiving yourself for all 'mistakes' the lost or wounded you may have made, and letting go of negative self-concepts and beliefs.

"All my limitations are self-imposed and my liberation can only come from true self-love."

Choosing

Ever have to make a tough decision? I have known over the years some people who find it really hard. They are afraid  to make the wrong choice so they analysis the facts to death. It's really easy to suffer from what is called Analysis Paralysis - the inability to make a decision or move forward because they are perpetually stuck in the analysis phase.


When it comes to choosing  analysis paralysis can be a very real problem. You don't want to make "the wrong" choice.  You don't want to look foolish. You don't want to regret your choice. However, life is all about choice and some choices you will regret and others you will celebrate. Here is a technique to help

STOP your analysis and think about something else,

Breathe don't panic, take the time to calm the voices inside your head

Sleep on the decision because you want to be rested and clear when you make the decision.

Make the decision, and remember that ultimately, you have to listen to your heart and trust your own judgement,

If you are wrong, then you most likely always always have the opportunity to correct or take responsibility for your action and once you have done that celebrate and enjoy life.

If you are right, celebrate and enjoy life

Teaching Stories three

My friends and I were talking about responsibility and how we did our best to instill this into the young minds that we had the opportunity to serve when we were teaching.

One of my friends related the story of when he was teaching in a small interior town, and coaching basketball. His team was playing in the semi finals for the season on a cold wintry, early Saturday morning game. If his team won the game,  they would be in the regional playoffs for the BC championships. So on the Friday night after the game, he held a meeting and talked about responsibility and making sure that everyone should get enough sleep and show up full of energy in the morning. Everyone on the team was pumped and they were all there in the morning except for his star defense man. The young man lived about 30 miles outside of town and had no phone. The first half was a very tight game, and my friends team was down by a couple of baskets at the end of the first half.  The star defensive player showed up just before the half. At the break my friend who was very upset, took the player aside and gave him holly hell for letting the team down and not showing up in time. My friend then told the player to get dressed and the young man played the second half. My friends team one the game by a very close margin.

After the game, the defense man came and apologized to my friend who by then had calmed down. So my friend asked the boy what had happened. The young man replied. Everyone at home had gotten drunk on Friday night and there was no one available to drive him into the game, so rather than let the team down, the young player had run into town in the cold wearing only a light jacket, which my friend had not noticed when the boy had first showed up.

My friend said, there was no need to teach this young man responsibility, as he had it in spades, but what he learned as a teacher was to ask questions and listen to explanations before passing judgment. A good lesson for a new teacher to learn early in his career.

You Just Never Know

Flowers are words even a baby can understand. 

At the opening night of the theater play, it is customary to give the members of the cast flowers to say great job and to signify your appreciation for the work they  have done to make your evening memorable. It would be nice if we showed our appreciation for the people who make our days memorable. Not with flowers, perhaps, but with words of thanks and words of praise for a job well done.

We come in contact every day with people who, while doing their job, make us feel welcome, who serve us, who answer our questions and help us, yet, I think very few of us, take the time to say thank you. I know that some of  you would say, these people are only doing their jobs and so why should I recognize them, unless they go out of their way. We never know what burdens the others have to carry and so we can I submit make their live better by saying thank you or giving praise.

The following story was sent to me, I think you might enjoy it.

You Just Never Know


Author Unknown

Bill worked in a factory on a production line, he was a big, awkward, homely guy. He dressed oddly with ill-fitting clothes. There were several fellow workers who thought it smart to make fun of him.


One day one fellow worker noticed a small tear in his shirt and gave it a small rip. Another worker in the factory added his bit, and before long there was quite a ribbon of cloth dangling. Bill went on about his work and as he passed too near a moving belt the shirt strip was sucked into the machinery. In a split second the sleeve and Bill was in trouble. Alarms were sounded, switches pulled, and trouble was avoided.


The foreman then summoned all the workers and related this story:

In my younger days I worked in a small factory. That's when I first met Mike. He was big and witty, was always making jokes, and playing little pranks. Mike was a leader. Then there was Peter who was a follower. He always went along with Mike. And then there was a man named Murray. He was a little older than the rest of us - quiet, harmless, apart. He always ate his lunch by himself.

He wore the same patched trousers for three years straight. He never entered into the games we played at noon, wrestling, horseshoes and such. He appeared to be indifferent, always sitting quietly alone under a tree instead. Murray was a natural target for practical jokes.

He might find a live frog in his lunch box, or a dead spider in his hat. But he always took it in good humour. Then one autumn, when things were quiet in the factory, Mike took off a few days to go hunting. Peter went along, of course. And they promised all of us that if they got anything they'd bring us each a piece.

So we were all quite excited when we heard that they'd returned and that Mike had got a really big buck. We heard more than that. Peter could never keep anything to himself, and it leaked out that they had real whopper to play on Murray. Mike had cut up the buck and had made a nice package for each of us. And, for the laugh, for the joke of it, he had saved the ears, the tail, the hoofs - it would be so funny when Murray unwrapped them.

Mike distributed his packages during the lunch break. We each got a nice piece, opened it, and thanked him. The biggest package of all he saved until last. It was for Murray. Peter was all but bursting; and Mike looked very smug. Like always, Murray sat by himself; he was on the far side of the big table. Mike pushed the package over to where he could reach it; and we all sat and waited.

Murray was never one to say much. You might never know that he was around for all the talking he did. In three years he'd never said more than hundred words. So we were all quite astounded with what happened next. He took the package firmly in his grip and rose slowly to his feet. He smiled broadly at Mike - and it was then we noticed that his eyes were glistening. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down for a moment and then he got control of himself.

'I knew you wouldn't forget me,' he said gratefully, 'I knew you'd come through! You're big and you're playful, but I knew all along that you had a good heart.'

He swallowed again, and then took in the rest of us. 'I know I haven't seemed too chummy with you men; but I never meant to be rude. You see, I've got nine kids at home - and a wife that's been an invalid - bedridden now for four years. She ain't ever going to get any better. And sometimes when she's real bad off, I have to sit up all night to take care of her. And most of my wages have had to go for doctors and medicine.


The kids do all they can to help out, but at times it's been hard to keep food in their mouths. Maybe you think it's funny that I go off by myself to eat my lunch. Well, I guess I've been a little ashamed, because I don't always have anything between my sandwich. Or like today - maybe there's only a raw turnip in my lunch box. But I want you to know that this meat really means a lot to me. Maybe more than to anybody here because tonight my kids' ... as he wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand ... 'tonight my kids will have a really good meal.'

He tugged at the string. We'd been watching Murray so intently we hadn't paid much notice to Mike and Peter. But we all noticed them now, because they both tried to grab the package. But they were too late. Murray had broken the wrapper and was already surveying his present. He examined each hoof, each ear, and then he held up the tail. It wiggled limply. It should have been so funny, but nobody laughed - nobody at all.

But the hardest part was when Murray looked up and said 'Thank you' while trying to smile. Silently one by one each man moved forward carrying his package and quietly placed it in front of Murray for they had suddenly realised how little their own gift had really meant to them, until now.


This was where the foreman left the story and the men. He didn't need to say any more; but it was gratifying to notice that as each man ate his lunch that day, they shared part with Bill and one fellow even took off his shirt and gave it to him.

THINK, BE KIND ALWAYS...YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE IS FACING IN THEIR LIVES!

Walking in the Rain

The other day I was walking and I was caught in a rainshower; on the wet coast this is not unusual. What was nice is that as the rain fell, the wind blew and the scent of falling rain, mixed with the fragrance of the flowers and the river made me think how lucky I was to be  in this spot at this time. I watched a couple walking towards me, older both in shorts, like me they had not expected the sudden shower. As I watched the man who was wearing what looked like a sweat top, took his sweater off and handed it to his partner, who immediately put in on her head to protect herself from the rain. She was wearing a t shirt and shorts. I am not sure I would have done that as the man was not wearing an undershirt. So now walking toward me was an older man, no shirt and his partner with a shirt over her head. I wonder what the backstory is on this gesture, which I thought was a nice one, but it made me think, would I do the same, so I watched the couple walking in the rain and thought of the song "Singing in the Rain"