A childs view of politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

 I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.  The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.  And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

 So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to  check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. 

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

A Good Catholic Joke

An oldie but a goodie, thanks to Bill for this:

The Pope and Stephen Harper are on the same stage in the Maple Leaf Gardens in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Harper and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Harper replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded Harper and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Another oldiie but cutie!

God created the dog and said: 
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' 

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' 

So God agreed 

Then God created the monkey and said: 

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' 

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' 

And God agreed. 

Then God created the cow and said: 

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' 

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' 

And God agreed again. 

Thereafter God created humans and said: 

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' 

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. 

Life has now been explained to you. 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.. I'm doing it as a public service

The pun, or paronomasia , is a form of word play

Thanks to Doug and Chris for these

The pun , or paronomasia , is a form of word play which exploits the ambiguity of a statement, allowing it to be understood in multiple ways for an intended humorous or rhetorical effect. These ambiguities can arise from the intentional use and abuse of homophonic, homographic, metonymic, or metaphorical language. A pun must be deliberate: an unintentional substitution of similar words is called a malapropism . 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.   

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.   

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.   

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.   

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.   

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.   

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.   

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.   

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?   

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.   

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.   

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.   

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)   

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.   

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.   

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.   

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.   

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed   

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.   

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.   

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.   

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.   

Every calendar's days are numbered.   

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.   

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.   

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.   

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.   

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.   

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.   

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.   

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

some dough humour

Thanks to Stacey for this great pic

Funny Retirement Quotes

The following quotes are from The Joy of being Retired Webpage, which is part of a wonderful and funny look at retirement by Ernie Zelinski. I  recommend his books to you. Here are some links to follow-up if you like the humour in the quotes below

The subtitle, " Retirement wisdom that you won't get from your financial advisor," hits the nail on the head. This book takes a free-spirited view of retirement, and it can be infectious.  Zelinski not only encourages you to adopt a fresh outlook, but helps you do so in specific,  concrete ways. His apporach is informative, fun, and sometimes astonishing. - from Retirement Works Book Reviews writing about Ernie Zelinski’s How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.— Charles Baxter in the The Feast of Love

Viva la retirement, grab it by the horns and go for it.
— Cheryl Marland at the Retirement Blog But What Now

Retirement life begins when the kids move out and the cat gets run over.— Author Unknown

The money is no better in retirement but the hours are!
— Author Unknown

Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids' inheritance before I die!
— Anon

Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does.
— Author Unknown 

My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
— Patty Doyle

He or she who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.
— Unknown wise person

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
— Gene Perret

My only [retirement] advice is to lay off alcohol, tobacco, and wild women. Any can kill you.
— James Biggs (104-year-old resident in a Dallas retirement-community)

 

Never Assume

Our words reveal our thoughts;

Our words reveal our thoughts; our manners mirror our self-esteem; our actions reflect our character; our habits predict the future."  William Arthur Ward


King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.  Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."  "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"  Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are!

I am not Happy

Thanks to my cousin  Lorraine for this tale of what happened to her a while back. In her own words:

I rear-ended a  car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. 

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" 

So, I looked down at him and said, "So which one are you then?"

Is there a problem Officer?

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. 
Woman: Oh, I see. 
Officer: Can I see your license please? 
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 
Officer: Don't have one? 
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. 
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Woman: I can't do that. 
Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. 
Officer: Stole it? 
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 
Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. 
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! 
The woman steps out of her vehicle. 
Woman: Is there a problem sir? 
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. 
Woman: Murdered the owner? 
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? 
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. 
The first officer is stunned. 
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. 
The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. 
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. 
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

The Ultimate Ethnic joke

My thanks to Joanne for this

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a  Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,  walk into a fine  restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. 

"You can't come in here “without a Thai." 

Women over 60!

In case you  missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney  thinks about women over 60.       60 Minutes  Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)       A woman over 60  will never wake you in the middle of the night &  ask, 'What are you  thinking?' She doesn't care what you  think. If a woman over  60 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit  around whining about it. She goes and does  something, she wants to  do, & it's usually more interesting.      Women over 60  are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match  with you at the opera or in the middle of an  expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it,  they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they  can get away with it.   Older women are  generous with praise, often undeserved. They know  what it's like to be  unappreciated.   Women get  psychic as they age. You never have to confess your  sins to a woman over 60.   Once you get  past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 60 is far sexier  than her younger counterpart.   Older women are  forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off  if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You  don't ever have to wonder where you stand with  her.   Yes, we praise  women over 60 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every  stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50,  there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants  making a fool of himself with some 22-year old  waitress. Ladies, I apologize.   For all those  men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the  milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays  80% of women are against marriage. Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an  entire pig just to get a little  sausage!   Andy Rooney is  a really smart guy!   Share this with all the fine, fun, fabulous, fancy-free female over  60. Male friends can benefit from these words of  wisdom as well! ;- )   Even if you  aren't over 60 yet, you have to admit, this is  funny! Lord bless  Andy! As I grow in  age, I value women over 60 most  of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

a joke for my grandson repeated

Two men are on a boat. Pete and Re-Pete. Pete fell off the boat, who's left? Repeat. (Re-Pete)  Two men are on a boat. Pete and Re-Pete. Pete fell off the boat, who's left? Etcetc

Its your perspective

As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!" 

"It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

Dead Horse Wisdom

The tribal wisdom of the the aboriginal people, passed on from generation to generation, says that; “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, with governments,  when in contract negotiations with its unions more ADVANCED strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger (and more expensive) whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging two trips to other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase efficiency.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some live horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a new position or a new  Ministery

Ponderisms (is this a word?)

Thanks to Douglas  and Christopher for these

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
• Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A Canadians view of Australians

This post is about what is like to be an Australian from a proud Canadian grandfather of a beautiful Australian grandson, I hope when he is older he gets a kick out of it.

 You know you're Australian if....

• You know the meaning of 'girt'
• You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk
• You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin
• You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount  vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
• You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
• When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom
• You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
• You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'
• You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'
• You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional
• You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'
• You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep
• You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'
• You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
• You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin
• You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'
• You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread
• You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis
• You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'
• You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'
• You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
• You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'
• You wear ugh boots outside the house
• You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them
• Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
• You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite
• You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose
• You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'
• You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
• You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket
• You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'
• You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'
• When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit
• You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered
• You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
• When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
• You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second
• You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
• You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and  overseas, realising that only they will understand!!

Mom is not pleased--life with boys

Thanks to Tracy for this Mother is NOT Pleased 


a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.  But Super glue is NOT forever if it's a hand stuck to the face 

VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


Plastic action figures do not flush


Blankets don't work either as parachutes, well at least when jumping off the roof. 


Fan hitting marbles makes much more noise but harder to hit.  


Melting crayons in glass test tubes shoot pea green hot molten wax onto the ceiling


Throwing Silly putty into a ceiling fan is a great and easy way to forever paint graffiti on the ceiling that does not come off


 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Note to self: Cancel credit cards prior to death!

My thanks to Jon for this:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and the Royal Bank billed her for February and

March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and they then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had Been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Royal Bank:

Family Member:

'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Royal Bank:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:

'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Royal Bank:

'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:

So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Royal Bank PAC:

'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:

'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Royal Bank:

'Excuse me?'

Family Member:

'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her Being dead?'

Royal Bank:

'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:

'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Royal Bank:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:

'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Royal Bank:

(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:

'No, I'm her great nephew.'  (Lawyer info given)

Royal Bank:

'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:

'Sure.'  (fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Royal Bank:

'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.'

Family Member:

'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her. I don't think she will care.'

Royal Bank :

'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:

'Would you like her new billing address?'

Royal Bank:

'That might help.'

Family Member:

' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number

1049.'

Royal Bank:

'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the hell do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............

If you marry a Scottish Woman

Thanks to Calvin for this 

 Three friends married women from different parts of the world......

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. After a couple of days he noticed that his wife was indeed making an effort and on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table on time.

He said the first day he didn't see anything at all. The second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.