How cold IS IT?

We just had a cold spell on the Coast of BC. Now those in the rest of Canada don't think that a temperature of -5 is cold, but in BC it is so cold that...

The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe. 

Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets. 

You have to break the smoke off your chimney. 

You have to open the fridge to heat the house. 

Your false teeth chatter and they are still in the glass. 

Police tell a robber to freeze, and he really does. 

Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about. 

People look forward to getting a fever 

Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears 

I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office. 

We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post 

Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins 

Lady Liberty put her torch inside her dress! 

Prisoners are begging for the electric chair. 

Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region. 

Roosters are rushing into KFC and begging to use the pressure cooker! 

A streaker froze in mid-streak! 

I chipped my tooth on my soup. 

Tim Hortons is serving coffee on a stick. 

The local flasher was seen describing himself to three different women this morning. 

We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm. 

I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket. 

I'm drinking hot sauce instead of coffee. 

Ice cubes are coming out of my faucet. 

Trees are chopping themselves into firewood. 

Cops are tasing themselves. 

I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside. 

The ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps. 

The shower

 So, picture this, I’m on vacation with my family in Whistler BC and I wake up feeling like a sloth. The family had already hit the slopes for the day, leaving me all alone in our condo. So, I thought to myself, “Self, why not have a shower and start the day off fresh?”

I sauntered into the main bathroom, feeling all Zen and peaceful. But as soon as I tried to turn on the water, I hit a major roadblock. The shower door only opened inward, and there wasn’t enough space for me to wiggle my way in to get to the taps. I looked at the door like it was the enemy, trying to figure out if it was just a poor design or if I was just too big for this world.

I tried everything I could think of to get into that darn shower, but nothing worked. And after 10 minutes of frustration, I threw in the towel and get dressed. I mean, who needs a shower anyway, am I right?

Later that day, my family came back from their ski adventure and I told them all about my bathroom debacle. My son-in-law checked it out and couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on. We were all scratching our heads like a bunch of confused monkeys.

But then, my grandson came to the rescue. He heard our story and took matters into his own hands. He walked into the bathroom like a boss, yanked the shower door open outward, and said, “What’s the big deal, guys? It opens this way!”

Turns out, we were all just a bunch of dummies who couldn’t see the forest for the trees. And thank goodness I didn’t complain to the front desk like a grumpy old man. Moral of the story: when in doubt, ask a 12-year-old.

The Firefighting Hero

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm rang in all surrounding fire departments. When the firefighters arrived on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." 

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station that could bring out the company's secret files. 

But the firefighters still couldn't get through. From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that small run-down fire engine roared right past all the new sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. 

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds. 

He walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you planning to do with all that money?" 

"Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."

How Not to Write for Profit Ads

Writing for-profit ads can be tricky, especially if you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s all too easy to end up with an ad that makes no sense and doesn’t even convince anyone to buy your product or service. To help prevent this from happening, here are some of the worst mistakes you can make when writing for-profit ads.

Inaccurate Claims and Promises

Making inaccurate claims or promises in your ad is a surefire way to lose potential customers. No one wants to be misled or feel like they’ve been taken advantage of, so it’s important to avoid stretching the truth or making any ridiculous claims. Instead, focus on being honest and transparent about what your product or service can do for them.

Using Too Much Technical Jargon

It’s easy to get carried away with technical jargon when writing for-profit ads - after all, it looks impressive and might sound like something consumers should want! But in reality, most people don’t understand technical jargon, so it will only confuse them and cause them to click away from your ad. Stick with plain language that everyone can understand so that your message is clear.

Being Too Salesy

Nobody enjoys feeling like they’re being sold something - it usually turns people off from buying whatever it is you’re selling. Your goal should not be to “sell” but to inform and educate potential customers about what you offer. By providing useful information in a non-sales way, you’ll be more likely to convert leads into sales without having to resort to hard-selling tactics.

Conclusion:

Writing for-profit ads can be tricky if you don’t know what mistakes you should avoid making. Inaccurate claims, using too much technical jargon, and being too salesy are just some pitfalls that await those who aren’t careful enough when writing their ad copy. With these tips in mind, though, you should have no problem creating effective and successful ads that will bring in plenty of new customers!

Some Dad jokes on a Saturday

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

I’m worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered.

What time did the person go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes, but it turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

What do you call a factory that makes OK products? A satisfactory.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese. 

I don’t know what the best thing about Switzerland is, but the flag is a big plus. 

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? They just wanted a bit more space. 

I don’t trust stairs — they’re always up to something.  

What’s Forrest Gump’s computer password? 1forrest1. 

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it. 

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.  

Ghosts are bad liars because you can see right through them. 

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. 

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day. 

I tell dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa. 

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired. 

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. 

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

Thanks to Inspiring quotes for these

There are teachers, and then there are educators

 According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently faced a unique problem.

A lot of 12-year-old girls were using lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night. To show how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators. Which are you?

Wednesday observances

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. It was easy. Alison painted her nails red, and Bob had a beard.

Pro Tip #22: Ring your doorbell on your way to bed. This will clear the dogs off the bed.

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting. Anonymous my eye. I knew everyone there!!

In a society that has you counting money, kilos, calories, and steps, be a rebel and count your 'blessings' instead.

I just asked myself if I'm crazy, and 'We all said No'.

Don't worry about 'getting old. Worry about 'thinking old'.

You can do a hundred things right and someone will always point out the ONE thing you did wrong.

Being a 'little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me daily. He is from India and is very concerned about someone scamming me and hacking into my Computer/Banking details. He is always helpful and asks for my Password to fix my problem.

After that 'Covid thing' these past few years, my 'going out clothes have missed me so much. I put them on, and they hugged me so tightly, I could barely breathe.

I told my wife she should 'embrace her mistakes'...............She gave me a hug.

A Genie granted me one wish, so I said, "I just want to be happy". So now I'm living in a little cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine. 'whistle while you work.......'

and finally...... A few years ago, I took my 8-year-old grandson to the office on 'take your kid to work day'. But when we walked into the office he started to cry. As concerned staff gathered around I asked him what was wrong and he said:  "Granddad where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

Mark Twain never said...

 I thought this post in Inspiring Quotes was interesting. It was written by Jennifer Billock, a writer, traveller, witch, and unapologetic Chicagoan.

Samuel Clemens — nom de plume Mark Twain — was a font of quotable sayings, covering everything from the afterlife to adventure. His quotes are often funny, regularly sarcastic, and sometimes inspiring.

Though best known for his humour, Twain’s quips have been known to move people to action, to push them forward on an enlightening course. “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness,” wrote Twain, adding with typical curmudgeonly wit, “and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.

Over a century after his death, the author remains one of the most widely quoted people. His maxims proliferate, pulled from everywhere: his books, his speeches, his autobiography, and interviews with newspapers and magazines. And sometimes, they’re even pulled from other people.

In fact, the beloved Huckleberry Finn scribe is one of the most misquoted folks in American history, with purported Twain-isms disputed and fact-checked on a regular basis. The 13 quotes below are not Twain’s, but they’re attributed to him so often that the origin gets muddied. Here, we give credit where credit is due — something that Twain himself, a one-time journalist and constant truth-teller, would likely have appreciated.

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.– Written by satirist Jonathan Swift in 1710

Never let schooling interfere with your education.– Coined by the novelist and essayist Grant Allen in 1894

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. – Written in the 1990 book "P. S. I Love You" by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. and credited to his mother, Sarah Frances Brown

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.– Attributed to an anonymous government researcher in 1968

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.– Origin unknown

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. – Anonymous

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time. – Written by French mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal in 1656

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. – Origin is unknown

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. – Said in some form by actor James Quin in the 1700s

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Likely originally said in some form by an unknown couple called “the Allen’s,” friends of author H. S. Scrivener, in a conversation about lawn tennis in 1903

Why not go out on a limb? That’s where the fruit is. – Written by journalist Frank Scully in 1950

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – A version was credited to Berlin doctor Markus Herz in 1912

Don't believe the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Attributed to humorist Robert J. Burdette in 1883

If you ever come across a Mark Twain quote that you suspect might not be accurate, look it up on the website Twain Quotes. The database was compiled by Barbara Schmidt, a 2017 Mark Twain Journal Legacy Scholar and author at the Center for Mark Twain Studies. Because, as Mark Twain didn’t actually say (though the anonymous quote is often attributed to him), “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.”

THE "FORWARDER'S" 12-STEP PROGRAM.

Everyone, say it with me...

1.     I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I don't forward an e-mail.

2.     I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog if I do forward an e-mail.

3.     Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4.     Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

5.     I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies From Coca-Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6.     I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --EVER!!

7.     There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8.     There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS or GET-WELL CARDS.

9.     The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colourful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat the above to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months.

Announced at church services.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus. ‘

The church will host an evening fine dining. super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Ladies don't forget the rummage sale, it's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

At the evening service, tonight's sermon topic will be ‘What is Hell? ‘Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind, they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ms. Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again ‘, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

This evening at 7:00 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and prepare to sin.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 pm. Please use the back door.

Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Pot luck supper this Sunday at 5:00 pm, prayer and medication to follow.

The Associate Minister unveiled the Church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday. “I upped my pledge, Up yours!”

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Ms. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 

Answers on a school test

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. if you know the bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Caithness school test.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

Some bee jokes

Bob ran out of gas, and a bee flew in his car window ‘are you out of gas, ‘ said the bee.

'Yes' said Bob. ‘Gimme a minute, ‘said the bee, and flew away. Minutes later the bee returned with the entire hive of bees who all flew into his petrol tank. Moments later they emerged. ‘Try it now,’ said a passing bee.

Bob tried and the car started. Bob said ‘wow, what did you put in the tank, ‘  wait for it  wait for it

 

BP

 

What is the only kind of Bees that give milk? Boo-bees!

Then there is the one about the 10 bees flying down the highway. They all need to go to the bathroom. 9 go to the BP station and the 10th one goes to the Esso station. The moral is that in every crowd there is always one Esso Bee (sob)

I ran out of petrol the other day so I went to the filling station and asked the attendant "Cana BP?". I don't know, he replied, but fish can fart I've seen the bubbles.

Do you have a roommate?

 A strange old man has moved into my house. I have no idea who he is, where he came from, or how he got in. I certainly did not invite him. All I know is that one day he wasn't there, and the next day he was.

He is a clever old man and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of him. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there he is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my handsome face and body. This is very rude! I have tried yelling at him, but he just yells back.

The least he could do is offer to pay part of the bills, but no. Every once in a while, I find a $5 bill stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. And I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think he is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $50 and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old man is pilfering from me. And money isn't the only thing I think he is stealing.

Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream, chips, and sweets. He must have a real sweet tooth, but he'd better watch because he is really packing on the pounds. I suspect he realizes this, and to make herself feel better, he is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old man, he is quite childish. He likes to play nasty games, like going into my closet when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And he messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

He has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. He gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And he has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. He has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the knob and taps harder to turn. He even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, he has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. He has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, he stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. He looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, he keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought he couldn't get any meaner, he proved me wrong. He came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, he jumped in front of me

I hope he never finds out where you live!

Thanks to the funny grandmas who sent me this

An Oxford comma walks into a bar,

 The History for the Witty posted this and I am sharing with their warning

"I'm sharing this, but it should come with a warning label to read and digest slowly, like cognac, and for those of us pencils that aren't quite as sharp, some of the examples have to be enjoyed through a leap of faith and a thesaurus."

•An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

• An alliteration bursts into the bar, barking at the bartender for a beverage. He beamed, "Better be a beer!"

• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

• A question mark walks into a bar?

• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

• A synonym strolls into a tavern.

• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A dyslexic walks into a bra.

• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Jeopardy for Seniors.

THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU MAY THINK.

THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER.

Let's see how good your memory is. Don't look at the answers yet, until the end.

Youngsters, you don't have a chance.

This is for all of those who might remember. So have some fun, my sharp-witted friends.   This is a test for the older kids!

The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! answer them first.

1.    1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind."

What did he leave behind? A ______ ______.

2.         When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The __ ________ Show.

3.        "Get your kicks, __ _____ __!"

4.        The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _______ ___ _______.'

5.        'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___ ____ ______ _______.'

6.        After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____.'

7.        Nestle's makes the very best... _________.'

8.        Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ____ _________.

9.        What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ___ _____ _____.

10.      Red Skeleton's hobo character was named ______ ___ __________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '___ ____

11.      Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their _____ _____.

12.      The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ______ or ___.

13.      In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to _____ _____.

14.      We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called _______.

15.      One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _____-____.

16.      Remember LS/MFT _____ ______ /_____ ____ _______.

17.      Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ _____ ____!

18.      Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The ______ Knows!

19.      There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash". It's name was the _______ ____!

20.      Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative What was the boy's name was ______.                                

 

                        

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ANSWERS:

1.      The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet

2.      The Ed Sullivan Show

3.      On Route 66

4.      To protect the innocent

5.      The Lion Sleeps Tonight

6.      The limbo

7.      Chocolate

8.      Louis Armstrong

9.      The Timex Watch

10.    Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11.    Draft Cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12.    Beetle or Bug

13.    Buddy Holly

14.    Sputnik

15.    Hula-hoop

16.    Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17.    Howdy Doody Time

18.    Shadow

19.    Monster Mash

20.    Speedy

Show the quiz to your 'older' friends, it may bring back some memories and make some laugh.

Summer humour with a groan

The dog days of summer are here and as summer winds down, enjoy the following 

Two doctors, Dean and Gable, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how his smoking weed has led to his condition worsening. 

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?” 

Dr. Jenkins sighed. “Nature isn't all innocent. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just 5 minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!” 

The man seemed to accept that and promised to stop smoking. A

After he left, the doctors went to lunch. 

As they were sitting down to eat, Dr. Smith asked, 

“Oh by the way, what IS that plant that kills you if you sit under it?” 

“A water lily."

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 A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing for their hospital. This was what they said: 

The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock. 

The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made. 

The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded. 

The Radiologists could see right through it. 

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea; The whole thing gave them a stomach ache. 

The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea. 

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable. 

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body." while hiding behind a patient. 

The Pediatricians said, "Grow up!", then held their breath until blue. 

The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch. 

The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step. 

The Urologists felt they were pissing away money. 

The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.

 The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no... 

And the Surgeons weren't even allowed to cut in!

Summer humour

 The 13 Funniest Things Said During a Colonoscopy 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 

5. 'You know, in Turkey, we're now legally married.' 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' 

And the best one of all: 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

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A man went to the doctor. He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can."

 I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

 "I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on my life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places."

THE "FORWARDER'S" 12-STEP PROGRAM.

Everyone, say it with me...

1.  I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if don't forward an e-mail.

2.  I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog if I do forward an e-mail.

3.  Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4.  Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

5.  I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies From Coca-Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6.  I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER EVER!!   

7.  There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8.  There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer-free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS or GET-WELL CARDS.

9.  The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colourful flowers, characters, or programs that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat the above to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months.

Time for some humour

 Do you know what this is?

Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit (circa the 1750s - 1810s)

 The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient's rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.

 

A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.

 

Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase "blowing smoke up your ass."

              

This old tool is still heavily used by some politicians and governments today.

The following is in honour of my wife's family who came from Newfoundland to Canada in the early 1900s/

The Newfie Millionaire Jarge, from Newfoundland,, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 dollars. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars You've only got one lifeline left � phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?" "Yes, Buy," said Jarge. "I'll have a go Aye!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?   a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?" "I ain't gatta a clue." said Jarge,   ''so I'll use one-a dem dare loif-loins and phone my friend Charlie back home in Carner Brook." Jarge called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.  "Fookin hell, Jarge!" cried Charlie. "Dat's simple...... It's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "Lard Je'sus Buy I'm fookin sure." Jarge hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer Aye cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Yes  it is, Buy" There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Jarge, you've won 1 million Dollars!" The next night, Jarge invited Charlie to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Charlie ole cock? How in da Lards name did you know it was da Cuckoo that don't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"